Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am still doing ok. I am praying everytime I start to get anxious and it seems to be helping.
Yesterday my husband called me at work to tell me he had a work dinner and wouldn't be home until later. He started talking about me giving it another chance, giving it the time it needs to turn around, etc. etc. I told him I did that already and nothing changed when in reality the beginning of getting back together should have been total bliss and it was the complete opposite. He talked a lot more and honestly it was all the same stuff and I was working so I didn't pay much attention. He was talking about how invconvenient this all is and how he again is getting screwed because interest rates have gone up, etc. etc. He then was talking about how much anxiety he has about all the things he has to do for work, for his license (continuing education credits), etc. and with everything going on with us. He asked if I was really sure I wanted to do this. He asked if I was sure I want to tell the kids we are getting a divorce, him leave, and everything that goes along with it. I told him again that nothing has changed and I can't sit around waiting for it because it is destroying me. I told him I had to get back to work and he said ok.
A few minutes later I got a text from him telling me that if I really wanted to do this he is leaving it up to me to make the appointment with the mediator and to just tell him when and he will be there. So I sent an email to the mediator and copied him about 20 minutes later to set an appointment. He texted me back and said "Wow, you wasted no time with that, it is a shame you won't give it a real chance".
Later last night he called me at 11:30pm on his way home (I was sleeping), he sounded really sad and said he just has to ask me, am I really sure this is what I want to do? Am I sure I want to tell my kids we are getting a divorce, Am I sure I want him to move out, not have him in the house, etc. He said he wishes I would give him a chance to change. I told him I did and he said that it wasn't long enough and I didn't put a real effort in. I told him I thought he did. We spent 30 minutes on the phone and he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. I told him I had to go to the restroom and he said ok and said I'll see you when I get home.
Woke up this morning, he tells me he has so much anxiety and starts again with the same stuff he was talking about last night. He said that I am the love of his life, that I am his soul mate and he doesn't want this and doesn't want to imagine his life with out me. I told him that I didn't think I was what he wanted, I think what he wants is what we have, our house, kids, family, life, etc. because it is what he is used to. He hesitated for a second and then said no, I want you. I want you as my wife. I don't want this to end. I like holding you at night (rarely happened) holding you in the morning (which really has only been recently and it stopped after a week), I like just talking to you (which usually was about him).
Of course this gives me anxiety and sadness but (And I Pray I can keep this mind frame) I see right through his words. Why? Because if he really felt this, he would have never did or said any of the things he did to me when we got back together for two weeks.
Trying to stay positive, trying to keep strong, praying praying praying and appreciating all of your support during this time.
Yesterday my husband called me at work to tell me he had a work dinner and wouldn't be home until later. He started talking about me giving it another chance, giving it the time it needs to turn around, etc. etc. I told him I did that already and nothing changed when in reality the beginning of getting back together should have been total bliss and it was the complete opposite. He talked a lot more and honestly it was all the same stuff and I was working so I didn't pay much attention. He was talking about how invconvenient this all is and how he again is getting screwed because interest rates have gone up, etc. etc. He then was talking about how much anxiety he has about all the things he has to do for work, for his license (continuing education credits), etc. and with everything going on with us. He asked if I was really sure I wanted to do this. He asked if I was sure I want to tell the kids we are getting a divorce, him leave, and everything that goes along with it. I told him again that nothing has changed and I can't sit around waiting for it because it is destroying me. I told him I had to get back to work and he said ok.
A few minutes later I got a text from him telling me that if I really wanted to do this he is leaving it up to me to make the appointment with the mediator and to just tell him when and he will be there. So I sent an email to the mediator and copied him about 20 minutes later to set an appointment. He texted me back and said "Wow, you wasted no time with that, it is a shame you won't give it a real chance".
Later last night he called me at 11:30pm on his way home (I was sleeping), he sounded really sad and said he just has to ask me, am I really sure this is what I want to do? Am I sure I want to tell my kids we are getting a divorce, Am I sure I want him to move out, not have him in the house, etc. He said he wishes I would give him a chance to change. I told him I did and he said that it wasn't long enough and I didn't put a real effort in. I told him I thought he did. We spent 30 minutes on the phone and he just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. I told him I had to go to the restroom and he said ok and said I'll see you when I get home.
Woke up this morning, he tells me he has so much anxiety and starts again with the same stuff he was talking about last night. He said that I am the love of his life, that I am his soul mate and he doesn't want this and doesn't want to imagine his life with out me. I told him that I didn't think I was what he wanted, I think what he wants is what we have, our house, kids, family, life, etc. because it is what he is used to. He hesitated for a second and then said no, I want you. I want you as my wife. I don't want this to end. I like holding you at night (rarely happened) holding you in the morning (which really has only been recently and it stopped after a week), I like just talking to you (which usually was about him).
Of course this gives me anxiety and sadness but (And I Pray I can keep this mind frame) I see right through his words. Why? Because if he really felt this, he would have never did or said any of the things he did to me when we got back together for two weeks.
Trying to stay positive, trying to keep strong, praying praying praying and appreciating all of your support during this time.
That is a difficult way to live. Have you thought of an "In House" separation? a couple of weeks where both of you focus on other aspects of life other than your relationship??
Focus on your kids, your jobs, your yard work.. anything ... just to get out of your own head for awhile.... it might bring clarity all on it's own.
What he is doing is trying to guilt & manipulate you into staying. If you stay in house, he has the ability to exert ever more guilt & control.
When living in a toxic environment, it's many times very hard to get and keep clarity because the abuser does not leave us alone long enough to get out of our own heads, just as your h has been doing. In my own experience & that of others I know personally, even going to therapy becomes much easier & more successful after leaving.
Plus the longer we expose ourselves and our kids to the abuse, the more at risk for trauma & PTSD we become. AND it teaches the kids its ok to be abused.
I was with my ex for 5yrs, going on 6. Although I was never married to him, he sounds a lot like your husband.
My ex would call/texte repeatedly when he knew I was having a hard time, or struggling with leaving him. He said many of the same things, that I was his soulmate, that he didn't want to live life without me, that I didn't try hard enough to make it work. It always seemed like he was throwing atones at me... It was always my fault, as if he had no hand in the destruction of our love and the life we had built together. I was always to blame for everything, and I was a horrible person for making him suffer and not giving him more time, another chance, ect., to get his life and our relationship together.
The truth is that I gave him 5+ years of chances!!! And all I got in turn was a lovely collection of words and promises- but no actions!!!
Where are the actions?
My ex was a silver-tongued devil who was charming and charismatic. He may or may not have really loved me. However, how he feels is none of my business. I do know how I feel and felt in that relationship:
- like I was unworthy of being loved or treated with respect
- like I deserved whatever crumbs he threw my way and had no right to ask for more
- Miserable and alone, even though I was 'with' my soulmate and partner
- as if both his life and happiness, along with my own, were my responsibilities... Even when he would intentionally do things to hurt himself and me
- as if I were not good enough, as if I failed on every level as a human being
LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS!!!!
True love lifts up the other person. When I judge only by actions, it wasme trying, not him!
Your husband couldn't even try hard for more than two days. In order for him to change, to seriously change, he would have to change his underlying beliefs. That takes a lot of work and self-accountablity that your ex is not displaying. He can't even accept responsibility for messing up hus second chance- what he is saying is that YOU did not give him enough time to change. Where is his accountablity?
Also, to address the issue of your kids because he is undeniably trying to guilt trip you into staying with him by saying that it is you damaging the kids....
I came from a two-parent home. Everything always looked perfect on the outside. Picture perfect. But underneath it was a mess. The way my dad treated my mom defined what was normal for my sister and I. We allow ourselves to be mistreated because it has been what is normal for us. We both learned that love means suffering and pain, not joy and happiness.
We both now are dedicated to breaking this pattern. Her and I spent the last week together on vacation. We talked a lot about our parent's relationship, and we both agreed that we wished our mom had left our dad ages ago, because then we would have at least seen that it was okay to end relationships that cause pain. We would have learned to fight for our own happiness.
There is no better gift that my sister and I could have received than learning it is okay to stay true to ourselves and our happiness, to leave situations that make us unhappy and to never let anyone disrespect us.
Just my .02 cents! Keep your head up, and do what you know is right for you. It is the best gift you can give yourself and your children.
Also, I want to second what MTC said... They do not respect boundaries and make it their full-time job to guilt, shame and blame you until you feel like you are losing who you are.
Stay true to you! :)
MTC & Freedom, Thank you! You hit every point and feeling I have and I appreciate the support and encouragement you give and confirmation that it is not me over reacting. We all know too well how much their behavior affects us. The decision to leave/divorce was a very difficult one mostly for my kids but for me as well because who wants to start over? Not me, but I also DO NOT want my kids growing up thinking that it is ok to treat a woman the way my husband treats a woman, not for my son to think it is normal to treat a woman like this and not for my daughter to think it is normal to be treated like this.
I know now that ignoring the problem or dismissing it as "their problem" doesn't solve the issue at hand and it can cause irreputable damage to children in adulthood and in their future relationships no matter what anyone believes (in my opinion).
Thanks ladies for letting me lean on your shoulders! You are awesome!
I read that it helps people to stay away from bad relationships if they continue to remember the very bad times and refuse to deny this truth. You seem very fair minded and it is a good thing to be honest about how much you have given - and you can continue to love and give in healthy environments although the abusers really want us to see ourselves as bad people. We know that is not true.
God bless as you continue to heal - He wants the best for us and will always give strength and courage. I was thinking today how He goes ahead of us in situations and provides in advance. Nothing takes Him by surprise.
And that thing of constantly putting you down (you don't change light bulbs, you don't keep the house clean, you don't take care of yourself the way you should, you don't put enough effort into cooking for him, you don't try hard enough to please him, etc etc etc) and then he has the gall to say he loves you, you're his soul mate, he wants you as his wife etc? Really? Gotta wonder why, given his low opinion of just about every aspect of who you are.
What it does prove is that the stuff he says about how useless and worthless you are isn't true. And he knows it isn't true. So why does he say all that stuff, why is he so critical when he knows his criticisms aren't even valid? Because he wants control. He wants you running around in circles trying in vain to be good enough for him so that you don't see HIS inadequacies. And he wants you feeling so unworthy that you'll never leave, because you can't possibly make it on your own and you most certainly could never find another partner.
The truth is, he doesn't want you to go, he does want you to stay, because HE is afraid he won't be able to find anyone nearly as good as you, because HE is afraid his life won't be so easy, and because HE can't imagine living without someone to control. Plus I'd bet he doesn't want anyone to know his life isn't perfect.
As others have said, it's time to think and act for you and your kids. You've spent a very long time trying to meet his unrealistic expectations, trying to be "good enough" for him. He won't take responsibility for his own actions and cruelty, won't commit to genuine change, so now is the time for him to face the consequences of that refusal. If he really does believe you are his soul mate and he really does love you, then he won't put any further pressure on you but will instead work on himself, and let you go to find your happiness. Wouldn't hold my breath on that one tho.
"Are u sure? Because I'm planting as many seeds as I can to create self doubt and even using the kids to manipulate you!"
U see what they do is they try the whole playing it cool, so when u was going throu the divorce he was like "yeah I accept it" but only because he wanted u to feel unloved by him, as if u was that easy to let go of and it worked, u started to feel unsure and worthless!
Now it's a completely different tactic, he's playing the victim. Trying to get u to be afraid of the consequences of your actions "are u sure???"
This says "be careful!!"
It's mind games and my ex did this constantly all the time!
I was so afraid of making a decision and when I did he would be all "ok then, well I'm fine I can cope without you, I will just get on with my life!" So then I uses to panic because I'd feel like I wasn't worth anything to him and all I really wanted was the romance and for him to love me so I'd always end up crumbling and going back to him, which probably made him feel very powerful and make me look very weak.
I think the more powerful they feel the tighter their grip is on that power!
Truth is this thou, your strong, to put up with it, to fact your fears with full convictions and responsibility is a sign of tremendous strength! To even try again and go back into the lions den is a sign of tremendous courage. At least u was willing to really try.
He's not tried one bit! He's not interested in meeting u half way!
It's like what Patricia Evans says about anusive people just see it all as in who wins who looses! He's more bothered about winning than nurturing and even this now "I love u and want u as my wife" is still about winning the game and isn't about nurturing!
What nurturing has he really actually done? None, he's just trampled on your relationship, waded his way through and announced "I own this!!!"
Remember what I said (other than actions speak louder than words) that when u stop listening to his words you'll stop believing in them and you'll start to believe and listen to your own which are not his, your words are telling u the opposite if what his are in every sense, otherwise you'd agree that u was lazy or a bad mother like he's been telling you, but u know your not that's why you've not accepted it and you will give him another chance if u listen to his words but so far your following your own which says you've already done that and got results!
Listen to YOU and u won't go wrong!
Livn & Kaz, you are both so on point. I am so glad I have you all on my side! The mind games drive me crazy.