Well, first of all, it's totally understandable that you're feeling confused about knowing how to move forward. No one is ever prepared to be in a situation like this with their spouse, but I'm glad you're seeking help. In particular, getting input from a counselor was a wise choice.

And, along those lines, have they had any guidance as far as what steps to take next? If not, you might want to run this by them and see if they have any suggestions on local help that's available.

Another idea would be to get in touch with a local shelter, or I've heard of an organization called Life Skills International (lifeskillsintl.org) that provides assistance to those in abusive situations. So, they might have some help to offer you.

But I'll certainly be keeping you in my prayers. Keep us posted on how you're doing, OK?

It is totally normal and natural to feel confused, conflicted, shocked that you didn't see it, and although you didn't state it I get the feeling you are scared as well. It is not an easy decision, that is why it's not easy for you. Abuse makes us close off our emotions, it makes us deny and minimize the abuse, it makes US feel guilty for THEIR actions, feeling bonded to your abuser is part of surviving the abuse! If we truly acknowledged how bad it really was we couldn't cope, so we look at their good points and downplay the bad. We get confused because some part of us is telling us this is not right but at the same time we cling to any hope that presents itself otherwise we couldn't go on. Your have been surviving-that is a good thing! But you could be living instead!

I agree with garden, try to get some resources so you know your options-you actually have options, although I'm afraid none of them will be easy, but they are worth it! Please just do not let your H know you are thinking or planning to leave him, that would put you in danger, and because of the trouble he's in he's probably already thinking about it. Please stay safe-that is the number one most important thing!

I take it the "obey" is a typo.

How much time before he gets out?

There's nothing
easy aboust abuse
or leaving an abuser.

Nothing about this
is your fault.

Here's the local
and also toll-free
number for women's
services in your state.

(303) 831-9632
(888) 778-7091

If you haven't already,
connect with them.
They're there to
help you in exactly
this situation.

You don't have to
live in subjugation
to an abuser. Many
of us have gotten
free of dreadful
situations. You
can too. Please
give a call to the
agency listed
above. They're
there to help
you transition
out of the hell
in which you've
been living.

Nothing about
what happened
is your fault. But
there will never
be a better time
to escape and
begin to heal.

Take good care
of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and healing thoughts.

Presuming you meant a month, I'd use every day, every HOUR possible to make a move while he's in jail since he can't affect you there.

See this as a gift from God- an opportunity to get out.

Go back to your attorney and see what your options are. File papers for divorce. See if you can get him to pay for as much as possible since it's his derelict behavior that broke the marriage. And be as incognito as possible.

The thing about abuse is it totally messes with your head so that you can't see it. You know how some biting insects (I think) inject anesthetic into their victims so they can drink their blood and the prey just sits there happily while they are being slowly eaten, because they can't feel it? Abuse is exactly like that. In order to make you a victim, it has to numb and confuse you first. You're not stupid or foolish for not seeing it or finding it hard to leave - you are feeling the effects of abuse.

My husband first went into treatment for a sex addiction almost 10 years ago. I was put into counseling and I defended him to the end. He just needed therapy, I said. He's a great guy. Then we had kids and he started to abuse the kids. I refused to leave because he was such a great person and good father, he just needed some anger management, he had a hard childhood. Finally he was arrested one day and there I sat in total shock. How could my perfect husband have been arrested? He was such a great guy! It took almost a year (and some very helpful social workers) for me to realize that his abuse of me was insidious and controlling. He used me to back up his good guy image.

You can totally do this. I know it feels so scary and surreal at first, but it's only going to get better from here on out, I promise. Therapy is a great first step. Finding resources (like through a women's shelter, mentioned) is another. Coming here and talking to other people who have been through it and who will remind you that you are not crazy is helpful :)

You have not done anything wrong and you are going to make it.