oh no.....oh no.... dont allow him to manipulate you. Ive been through this and fell for this so many times with my ex hubby and ex BF. It wont change and you will be back to square one.

Please change your phone number or block him from calling and texting. But better to change your numbers so you cannot even get his messages. Take that step. There is no need to have any contact with him any longer......you are almost there....dont turn back...trust that you are in a better place and on your way to a successful happy life without abuse.

"IT WILL NEVER BE RIGHT
Why can't I tell him that? "

I know just what you mean. I couldn't say no to my ex either, about anything. After we split up, he wanted to "go out and do stuff" one weekend. My entire body and soul were screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". So I said "maybe". Closest I could get to no.

Take it as a learning experience. He will always twist things, he will always manipulate and he will always focus only on what he wants, not on what is right for you. You are quite correct, it will never be right - not for you anyway. It will be right for him if he can continue to manipulate you into giving him everything he wants. So don't let him. You are not weak, he's good. So don't give him the opportunity. I myself know I'm strong, but years of "training" mean that, even after 6 years of no contact, if I found myself face to face with him, I probably still couldn't say no to him. And it's entirely possible I could be sucked into yet another of those conversations like you had.

And that's why it's been 6 years of no contact. He's not just bad, he's very, VERY bad for me. So I stay away.

Think of him as you would a peanut if you had a nut allergy. It's not your fault you are susceptible to him and there's absolutely no reason you should just try harder to not be. The answer is just stay away. Go no contact, maintain no contact, and go on being strong and fabulous and free.

Don't feel bad. I think having any contact with these types will just gradually chip away at us. Even if we are smart and don't let ourselves get sucked back, they know how to get under the skin, send mixed messages to confuse and disarm, etc. This is why NC is recommended so much in here! And they are right! Even bits of contact can lower our vibrations, and overall well being! It's not your fault! It's what these people do.

Sadly, you will never be able to be friends, he will never be "an adult about this" or allow you to be if he can create the same dynamic between you that allows him to abuse you. Any act of kindness, or compassion he will look at as an "in" and see as a sign of weakness. Any boundary you create he will immediately steamroll over.

You can't tell him how you really feel because abusers are such master manipulators. I mean, its truly mind blowing to me sometimes. They are going to construct every conversation, every interaction to come out in the way they want. That is their only objective is to steer you towards their goal-not to listen, not to even express their "feelings." It's so difficult for us to wrap our heads around this simple but true fact-but EVERY SINGLE THING an abuser does-is about CONTROL. Everything. It's hard for us to identify with because we don't think like that-it's so weird to think someone is not concerned with how they are feeling, or what other people really think, or how one would even begin to take neutral elements in the world and relate them to control issues, like tuna sandwich.....to an abuser even freakin tuna sandwich is about control. "My gf made me this tuna sandwich just the way l like it-good, she's clearly in line right now".....or......"My gf loves tuna sandwiches, I think I'll eat this one and leave her the turkey-that should show her who's the boss in this relationship." This is the thought processes (not always conscious) that work in an abuser's mind.

THERE IS NO WAY TO EVER WIN OR BREAK EVEN! They only thing they accept in any interaction with you is complete and total control. Even being nice is a manipulation and about control. Even the things they don't control are calculated and about control. Once I finally got this fact in my head-all abusive behaviors became as obvious to me as writing on the wall. I could predict what an abuser might do with almost complete certainty. I finally understood my abuser's confusing behavior.

This is why NC is the ONLY way to guard yourself against it.

RUN! I am going through this same situation as we speak. I had no contact for three years and he came back I felt sorry for him and he went back to his old ways. These kind of men do not change at all. They are mentally sick. There is nothing we as women can do to help them! Also he said the same things to me "can I see you and then I will feel so much better."

There's no viable
friendship with an
ex abuser. Why?

For starters because
their saying,
"Let's be friends" is
just another manipulation.
Abusers will not tolerate
an abuser escaping
their control.

And even if one were to
actually let a former victim
go free, abusers would be
no better at being "friends"
than they were at being partners.

No. It will never be "right."
And you can't tell him that
because an abuser is NOT
INTERESTED in anything
you have to say. You could
talk and talk and talk. You
would spend your life ----
no ----- you would WASTE
your life trying to talk
rationally to him.

I hope you won't do that.

Please take good care.

I'm very sorry

You are all so right. I can't be friends with him. I can't be anything with him. I may love him still, but he is hurtful to me and will continue to be. I need to completely let him go.
I know that he doesn't want to actually hear me or care for me. He does only want to CONTROL me in any way he can. The really sad part about this is he considers this love.