I've previously wrote my story on another post and have had some incredible support and confirmation that my ex was abusive. I've been repeatedly told i am not at fault, which makes it harder to admit months later i still haven't been able to shake this guilty feeling of being also maybe being abusive. I've also felt like i've overreated as he never isolated me or stopped me seeing friends.. he just seemed indifferent towards me the majority of the time. I don't know if this is just due to low self esteem and self blaming. I've decided to write a simple list of things he and i did to try and see it more clearly, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Things he did which hurt me:
- Was emotionally absent/ didn't talk about feelings
- Rarely complimented me/showed me affection
- Walked in front of me in the street sometimes
- Said some of my clothes were "provocative"
- Wouldn't return the favour in bed
- Wouldn't go out to do things with me or entertain my ideas
- When i wanted to talk about a problem he'd say "i'd changed/switched into a different person"
-Would tell me he fancied my friend jokingly
- Seemed to belittle me.. "basically you're getting emotional because i'm not doing what you want"
- Took condoms to uni with him/borrowed girls property.. when confronted said i "was paranoid" "he was gonna have to meet new friends"
-Went clubbing with girls he lived with,sounded disinterested talking to me and like it was a chore making time for me.. when confronted: "Do you want me to stay in my room all day? Can i go to lectures? I'm talking to you now when i don't have to be"
- Sometimes threatened to leave when i talked about problems
-Called me "boss"
- After failing driving test somebody told me "i'd pass soon, not everybody passed first time".. he laughed and pointed out mistakes i'd made driving and said he passed first time.
- Once, he pushed my head towards his foot in public.
-Wouldn't comfort me when he'd hurt me/ if i was crying
-Talked to me slowly like i was child when i didn't understand "do you know what clothes are? yes?"
- Would walk off and leave me
- Went to his family party and he sat with another girl all night passing notes, would sometimes come over to check on me and couldn't understand why i left in tears "she was just a friend"
- Came back and used me for sex when i said i wanted more, when i told him my feelings he ignored me and has since


Things i feel guilty about:
- Talking to him frequently about not feeling loved
- Feeling jealous of the girls he was living with
- I hadn't seen him in three days, asked if he was busy, he said he'd left me know and made other plans, i was upset and when i asked he said "he didn't realize i wanted to see him and made other plans, it wasn't like we hadn't seen each other in weeks and that i get way too ahead of myself" .. i retaliated sarcastically with "maybe after spending all weekend with your friends and family that you'd think you wanted to see me" to which he acted upset and said "sorry i thought i could make my own decisions..". It made me feel controlling.
- Seeming to constantly be trying to "talk" to him
- Being so needy and overly dependent on him

Sorry if this post is all over the place, as i said it's venting but i'd love to hear advice too. I've been reading around and i can apply a lot to him, i've also been applying some to me though and it's stuck with me and made me feel worse. For example, when books talk about being controlling i imagine his voice saying "am i even allowed out of my room?" or reading about constant criticism makes me wonder if he felt like he wasn't good enough when i kept confronting him saying i didn't feel appreciated or with problems i had. My mind has seemed to be in overdrive the past couple of months..

I'm worried i'm never going to see this clearly and keep wondering if he was right and i was actually abusive too. In the past, i was with a man who was loving and caring and i was a different person.. confident, not needy or overly afraid of him leaving me, trusted him 100%. Yet after this relationship i feel like an empty shell of who i used to be. I'm terrified of the thought of being with somebody else right now, and feeling as needy and dependent as i did with him. I've been reading a lot, from people saying i'm codependent to a doormat but in the past i've never been this insecure person.. it's even more scary to me that i was blindsided by it.