Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Can anyone lead me to any good articles, or statistics on the chance of an abuser changing?
I don't know why it matters so much to me, even though part of me does. I keep trying to think, god will not give me more then I can handle, yet I feel like am at the end of my rope.
Why can't I just not care, why can't I just say screw you, you damaged me beyond repair and you deserve all of this?
I have been journaling all the things he says because as I have said before I get so confused because he says so many things. And every single time I go back and read them and see something manipulative in everything he says. Yet he vows its in his core that he wants to change.
I don't know why it matters so much to me, even though part of me does. I keep trying to think, god will not give me more then I can handle, yet I feel like am at the end of my rope.
Why can't I just not care, why can't I just say screw you, you damaged me beyond repair and you deserve all of this?
I have been journaling all the things he says because as I have said before I get so confused because he says so many things. And every single time I go back and read them and see something manipulative in everything he says. Yet he vows its in his core that he wants to change.
I have been told many, many times that there will not be a change...
It's been very hard for me to come to grips with it' to accept it. And, yet still, there is a small amount of hope deep inside of me. Finally, I am working on letting it go. In this past year that we have been separated the change I see is so superficial, truthfully, all it takes is a little stress to be mixed in and he reverts back to his old ways. He is just on good behavior because he wants something. There really isn't any true change.
Keep on journaling; it's extremely valuable. Some of the things that are said are so illogical an confusing it is really hard to recall them.
We all come to our conclusions in our own time.
Seawee
Please help yourself and give up trying to analyze him. Abusers main goal is to keep you confused and blaming you for everything.
I wish you the best and I am so sorry you have to go through this.
((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Hang in there
He may vow that
he wan'ts to change
through to his core
but
the possibility of
his actually
ever
becoming
NON-abusive
is ---- sadly -----
slim to none.
The stats generally
say two to five percent
of abusers
become non-abusive.
In my professional
experience, those
stats are inflated.
And. . . you can't just not care
because you bonded
with him. And that makes
detachment really, really
hard.
Regarding whether or not
he'll change. . . . . .
think about
how hard it is
to quit smoking,
to stop drinking,
to stop gambling,
to lose weight,
to keep exercising,
to do any and all
those things we
say with absolute
sincerity and a
totally genuine heart
that we want to change.
Now. . . . think about
an abuser who's used
to having his (or her)
way over everything
and everybody. Think
about how they feel
entitled to criticize,
to manipulate, to
violate, to confuse
and to betray.
For the most part,
the only time these
people go to therapy
or swear up and down
that they'll do anything
to be appropriate partners
. . . . is when the
victim is about to
escape.
Once the victim has been
conned and has been
soundly recaptured,
there's no further
necessity to waste
energy on going to
counseling or making
even a show of wanting
to change (let alone
actually changing!).
These are hard facts
to have to hear, when
all you want to believe
is that the person you
wanted to be with,
can be. . . .
the person you wanted
to be with
and not
the abuser who
now treats you
so badly.
Are there exceptions?
Yes.
But those exceptions
are exceptions.
They happen
about as often
as any other
miracle.
Please. . . .
take care of YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they're only
a jerk having
a couple bad days,
but are not actually abusers.
(Not really very many
of innocents jerks
having a couple
bad days.)
The rest
change.
The get
worse.
"The verbally abusive man... can he change. it is by Patricia Evans.
I really recomment " Coping with infuriating, mean, critical people" by Nina W. Brown That book was the most helpful to me out of all of them. I found I was seriously lacking in "healthy narcissism " yet I had a pretty good dose of some annoying narcissistic tendencies that were really playing into the conflict with my husband's flaws.
I found out so much about myself and even if you decide that you have been too traumatized to remain married to your husband... I feel these books contain great info for every day living as well.
have a good evening, Christy
I did Google Patricia Evans book and I wanted not to give Confused any false hope about changing her abuser.
Coupling stories of abused women and abusive men from her own case studies, Evans gives you the tools you need to transform your relationship. Most important, she assures you that such a transformation is possible-given the right circumstances. Evans also helps you determine if your abuser really has changed-or if he's merely creating the illusion of change. And if he hasn't changed, Evans helps you decide whether it's time to leave the relationship-and what to do when it is.
She gives you the tools to change your abuser. She also said this in an interview;
"Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants tobut you can't change him. You can honor and nurture yourself"
Don't get me wrong, it would be a good book to read, just don't build your future on the hope that he will actually want to go through changing. He may say so, but it would take a whole lot of work for him to actually go through with it.
Ilene knows her statistics, and as far as I know has been right every time.
How many times did I hear "it will be different", only to find out it wasn't. Eventually, I realised it was only so many words - all his promises to change, all his excuses, all his lies. Just words. Fundamentally, if he had any love or even respect for me, he could never have treated me the way he did in the first place. It's not about him changing, it's about the fact he never showed me a shred of respect - other than the fake stuff in the beginning.
Think about it, Confused, does that make sense of your life too? Is it really about whether he can change, or is it about the fact that he has lied to you and manipulated you through the entire relationship, and has never shown a shred of genuine love or respect? How will changing his behaviour now, even if he can manage it, change what he has done to you over the entire length of your relationship?
But, although some people really do not like him, Sam Vaknin's book "Malignant Self Love-Narcissism Revisited" ... I found the introduction
online and my jaw dropped to realize that this was exactly what I had been struggling with for so long. I devoured his utube videos and borrowed the book from the library and took notes from it! This changed my life, because before that I hafd not identified my H as a narcissist. Knowledge is indeed power!
I made the peanuts cartoon analogy for my situation too! lol
My perspective was not so much that he promised or told me that he would change.. because time after time I have told him what I don't like and he never says he will change because his beliefs and "agreements" if you will.. ( term from the book "The Four Agreements" ) which is a great book! Anyway...
My husband holds these beliefs.. of how the world should be.. and I hold different beliefs. My main mistake was thinking he couldn't possibly think the way he thinks.. I thought he would suddenly start thinking how I felt he should think. I would plead, get mad, use up energy and disrupt the household.
I'm not sure when the lightbulb went off . One day I realised that I can only control myself. I can do what I want. I view his insults as if he is throwing up.. I don't splash around in it! I stay far away from it.. and it works sooo much better than whining or telling him he is being mean. For some reason his behavior is better when I don't defend myself. I know I'm right.. why would I try to defend myself? kwim?
The other day he started in and I said.. "I'm John Cusack in the movie 1408! lol & I changed the subject. and that was that.
Is it the loving marriage of my dreams? No. But I don't need that.
I am content and feel good about myself. I am raising my children and I am grateful for my husband's good qualities, cause he does have lots of good qualities & we enjoy ourselves at times. I am able to let things be only as important as I want them to be ( as the song says.. lol)
Obviously I know my situation is different than some women's... My husband is not a violent monster. He is just mean.
I can feel sorry for myself at times.. just like anyone else. But I hate when I'm in that mode. and I choose to try to follow " The Four Agreements"
Anyway... I'm grateful for this group. It's fun to put my thoughts to words and read everyone's stories too!
Christy
I have known only 2 other women like yourself. One of them is me. Our first 10 years were good. I changed my lifestyle and lived his for 10 years. They were good, we always did what he wanted and I was OK with that. I would not change those years for anything. When we had kids and I had more to take care of than give him my undivided attention, was when everything started going down hill.
I FINALLY figured out it is impossible to make someone happy if they don't want to be. That is when I started concentrating on making myself happy. that was after 15 years of marriage. Another 5 years went by before someone taught me the saying "you can be right or get along." It had nothing to my marriage, but I started using that saying for everything. It definitely worked for hubby so there was no arguing, because I refused. I didn't have to be right. I just wanted peace.
We were married for 37 years when he died of cancer. That was 10 years ago and I am having a wonderful, peaceful life. I am living for myself now, and do not want another relationship. I am to busy spoiling myself.
Most all of these women are not like us, and it took me awhile to realize how much worse off these ladies are than me.
Take care of yourself.
((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
I think there are more women out there in the world like us. But there are many who "Ring the Bell" ( my favorite analogy from the movie with Demi Moore when she was becoming a Navy Seal.. lol)
I almost rang that bell about 8 years ago. He was so super angry ALL the time. He had it in his head that a wife should do A, B & C... I went so far as to speak to a lawyer because he thought he could destroy property. He didn't want a divorce and said he would back off which he did .. but I wouldn't say he changed his philosophy on life or anything.
It doesn't matter if he changed his thinking because it's not that important to me that he agree with me. I know what's right and I do it.
I'm amazed that he can hold on to his crazy double standard beliefs and go against the Golden rule of treat others as you would like to be treated so often. The most amusing thing to me is he is all bent out of shape that I left the Catholic church. He tells me I'm an atheist.(. which I am not) I feel more connected to God now then ever before, more spiritual. When we were going to church on Sundays it seemed like he must have been having some bad childhood flashbacks or something. He was mean and grouchy before church and after church. I should have checked his head for 6's ! lol
Anyhow... For right now things are fairly calm. I take it one day at a time. I make a concious effort to be grateful for the good things in my life and try to deal with the bad in a calm and healthy way. I don't always succeed, but I get back up and try again.
Christy (((( hug back to you))))