An abuser won't change if they admit or if they don't. They have to do years of therapy to change Hun.

Its been my experience they will not admit to the abuse and will definitely not change. In their eyes they have done nothing wrong. The abuse will only get worse.

Thanks Kazb! I don't know why I still feel like I need to validate my feelings with these things. It's so much better to have him acting abusive rather then in a good mood and acting nice because that's when I start second guessing if I'm wrong or they he may be changing. I'm hoping for at least one more validation to prove my feelings and my gut.

Thanks momx3, that's what I think the same but just feel like I need to have validation to feel better about my decision.

When I finally announced to my
then-husband, that I was divorcing
him, he acknowledged he'd been
abusive and went for a couple
sessions of therapy.

Then he took up with an old flame
and the two of them laughed about
his abusing me. (I saw them saying
this when I stumbled on an email.)
(Guess the therapy didn't take!
Surprise, surprise.)

Confused. . . . . . abusers don't admit
to being abusive. Even (as I've shared
above), when they do, they don't, somehow,
get "cured."

Abusers are driven to abuse.

To reverse that drive requires
enormous doses of hard work
and the good luck of finding an
absolutely FABULOUS therapist.
Those two ingredients seldom
come together.

Please don't wait for. . . . or worse yet. . . .
pursue him to acknowledge that he
abused you. It won't happen, and
pursuing it increases the risk that
he'll abuse you even worse.

And yes. . . . . they DON'T
believe that they abused.
They believe that they're
entitled to do what they
enjoy doing. They enjoy
abusing
and he'll
continue
to abuse you.

Please decide
to LOVE yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take good care.

Have you tried doing
Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise?

I developed to
validate my-self.

And it did.

You'll get there. You'll get to that place where it clicks, even if its a little bit, it will happen!

Within the last couple of days he's shown u that he's not changed. If u want to give him longer then that's up to you, my guess is that giving him longer will give him more opprtunities to show u that he's not changed!

When I was with my ex, I gave him so many years of opportunities to change. Then one day about 7 half months ago he emotionally abused me. It wasn't the worst I've put up with but something inside me snapped and I just wasn't willing to hang around and take another abusive blow. Maybe you'll get like that who knows.

But I can tell u this for sure, when your away from abuse, your mind is clearer. Your able to process it all and really see it for what it was. When your being abused you can't do that because just when your catching up to one abusive blow their tactics change and then your onto another blow or them being nice. It's like a game of cat and mouse.

Your unwillingly ( because he brings it) playing the game. One day you will realise that ( could be tomorrow, next week or in 6 months time)

Confused, here's a checklist written by Lundy Bancroft, one of the foremost authorities on abusers.

http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=254

Note the very first point on the list. How many of those have you seen so far?

And here's another piece that's pretty good in working out the difference between a hoover/superficial change and real change:

http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php?showtopic=43472

Ultimately, though, trust your gut. It knows.

Lundy is the man!

Yes, I knew I had an alcoholic and narc on my hands but I couldn't figure out the rest is was driving me crazy and then I read Lundy's book Why does he do that?. It all came together. My last light bulb moment.

My ex once apologized during couple's therapy but it was hollow and cursory and ended with "yes, but".

We are separated now, he still abuses through the children and visitation.

I completely agree with others here they would really have to want it (change) but even then old habits, their sociopathic nature. lazy selfishness and the media/web's treatment of women would push them right back onto their abusive throne.

I remember those days of the empty apology. In a weird way it hurt me. AGAIN. amazing. Keep proceeding with caution and continue to gather information and support just as you have.

Good work, because what you are up against is truly emotionally taxing. Stay strong.

Thank you all!!!! Thank you Livndadream, those links really helped. You ladies make me feel like I'm not alone and not crazy! Thank you!!!!

My ex has apologized for his behavior many times, especially of late. However, when I was with him and even now, I always felt his apologies were empty.

They would go something like this:

I am so sorry for hurting, intimidating, ignoring, fill-in-the-blank, you.

However, what he really meant to say was this:

I am so sorry that I am even having this discussion with you, now I am going to tell you what you want to hear so that you will shut up and go away.

My was the master at sounding sincere when he wanted to... I recently realized the sincerity arose from fear that he might lose me, an easy target that he could use and manipulate to suit his will. Ego fill-up. Sure. Emotional punching-bag. Check! And on and on!

These guys will do and say anything to get you to stay, but words are cheap.

And actions are everything. :)