I think one of the things that helped me the most was sitting down and writing out what happened during my relationship. It took three hours of straight typing. After I was done I threw up and went to sleep for a long time. When I missed my abuser I could read why that was a toxic relationship. Also you are going through a normal part of grieving the lose of your relationship, who you thought she was, what you thought you would have with her. That will take time. Look up the cycles of grief on google and acquaint yourself with the cycles so you have a better understanding of what those will be like for you. Sometimes those cycles can happen very quickly over and over, exhausting, confusing, but necessary to move on. Give yourself time to heal.

Hey bigguy. I'm right there with you. I didn't realize it was happening for so long. I'm still 'addicted' to him. It's been 4 months that we have been apart and the longest I have gone without calling him is 3 days.
The best suggestion I have is read as much as you can about abuse. Knowing why they act the way they do and how they are thinking helps you to not get sucked back into their manipulations.
The other suggestion is to try and stop and go over the conversation in your head. Sometimes, when I can manage to do this, I think about what I am going to say to him, and what he'll respond with and realize that I really don't want to make that call after all.
The more time away from them, the easier it gets. But it is a long hard road.

Thanks Hanafin. I have been journaling for around 2 years now (since October of 2005) and getting out all of my feelings etc. on paper and on the computer. I realize that my relationship was very dysfunctional and going back and remembering the bad stuff does help. However, I also know that there were a lot of good times in my marriage as well. It wasn't all bad. I don't want to forget her but I don't want to remember her 'badly' either. We have 3 children together so I need to maintain some sort of relationship with her. My problem is severing the feelings of being 'in love' with her. I invested a lot of emotional energy into my marriage and, unfortunately, didn't get much in return. Because of the investment I made, I am having difficulty just 'letting go' and moving on.

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I stayed in my relationship SO LONG that any feelings of "love" I might have had died. By the time I left, I had nothing left for him.

The others have given you some terrific advice. My SO thinks that it takes men (good men) longer to recover from a breakup than it does a woman. We have simply agreed to disagree on that one. My own personal opinion is that if a woman recovered TOO easily, she wasn't as much in love as she thought she was.

It just takes time and a LOT of patience with yourself to get through it. Took me 3 years, and I wasn't in love with my abuser when I left. That's how messed up my head was.

What are you doing to go forward with your life? Are you enjoying time with friends and family? Are you doing things that you enjoy doing, but maybe "held off" on doing in your relationship? There's a benefit to reclaiming the YOU that you lost while married.

It's understandable that there are children involved, and you've got to maintain a certain amount of decorum b/c of those kids. KUDOS to you!

I am a firm believer that time helps to LESSEN all wounds, and with enough self introspection you'll move forward. I wish you the best....

I have read it takes at least two years to heal after a divorce has been completed, not from the day you begin but from the day it is completed so you are not going over that expected time for recovery. Having the children and maintaining a relationship with her makes moving on really tough. Hard to recover from being 'in love' or from abuse when you have to maintain that contact. If you find yourself thinking about her overly much, known as ruminating, playing good and bad stuff over and over, try using a meditation technique that has worked for me. MAKE yourself stop! I mean when you find yourself there realize you are doing it and move to something else, tv, a book, clean the kitchen, something to take your mind away. Maybe allow yourself a half hour each day for ruminating. If you find yourself thinking of her tell yourself that has to wait till rumination time. Set this as a convenient time everyday dedicated only to that. If you miss your rumination appointment time you have to wait till the tomorrow to worry. With practice this can actually work. Have you had any counseling to help you with coping and unresolved issues?

Thanks again Hanafin. Yes, I do find myself getting stuck in ruminating about my relationship. My happiest memories have been with my ex-wife but those memories are currently tinged with pain. I am working to separate the pain from the happiness so that I only remember the good stuff.

I am seeing a therapist and have been since about the time I started journaling (I went into a nasty depression when the reality of divorce was recognized and I needed help).

I will try and implement your meditation technique. I have been catching myself when I start to thing about her and just telling myself to stop. It has worked the past couple of days.

There are a lot of things I would like to be able to get out and do ... unfortunately, most of them require money and since my ex left me with a substantial debt to pay off, I can't afford to do them. I am going to the gym, walking when I get home from work, spending time with friends and family, and that is helping. But the pain is still there. I know that it will take time but I am getting tired of waiting for my heart to catch up to my head. Thanks again.

Bigguy - First of all I want to say congratulations. Perhaps one of the reasons that the statistics for verbally abused men is soooooo low, is that few are willing to step out and say it. It is hard for women too, but with the social stigma (perceived) attached to being a victim, there is so much more attached to it if you are male.

I am glad you are journaling and seeing a therapist. Both should do you a lot of good. The advise given here is also good, so hang in there and keep posting back. This board is mostly women, so I hope and pray that you can deal with the "estrogen surge" here enough to truly filter the good stuff that is discussed. Also, as was suggested in a recent post, Patricia Evan's book is excellent, I have read that on and the "follow up" "Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out." It is equally as good.

One thing you need to know, and everyone here on this board will admit, is that their abusers weren't abusive 24x7. If they had been, seeing it and escaping it would have been so much easier. The times of joy are likely times when you were under her spell/control, and the times that were bad were times when you had appearances of being either self-sufficient or in control. These are very threatening things to the abuser.

My ex-husband could be the most loving and caring individual aloive - as long as everything was going his way. As soon as something happened, it was always my fault because he felt like somebody had to take the blame. When I came home upset over something that happened at work, his question was always, "what did you do?" rather than "tell me what happened." His tone was always that I had to have been at fault for whatever happened because, hey, I was a pretty worthless and dispicable creature.

Anyway - I digress. I want to welcome you here and I also want you to know that we are all here to help each other get through this. It is likely your postings will help others as much as they help you.

During my marriage, my wife became the most controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive person I have ever had the 'pleasure' of knowing. She treated me horribly and didn't think twice about it. She took advantage of my kindness, treated me like a leper in bed, abandoned me emotionally, and compulsively overspent and concealed her expenses from me by obtaining multiple credit cards online and setting up online payments. I know it is not healthy to get into 'victim mode' but I was victimized. I have not really vented that fact to anyone other than my brothers, mother, and therapist ... and of course, to the ex-wife. It is just so frustrating to pour your heart into a relationship and get abuse and abandonment in return.

Great post Patty as always. I agree with everything Patty has said. You really ARE a big guy! no kidding! I applaud you for everything you are doing and I am certain given time you will begin to feel better. For me it was very slow, oh I was tortured for what felt like forever. I never thought the cloud of sadness would lift off my heart, but suddenly click, something happened and I am feeling very much better. If I get sad again I will remember how I feel today and get back here again. We are here for you BigGuy and I am so glad you came to the board. I really hope we can offer you support along your way. May your road rise to meet you, deb

Sevring ties is really hard. We can learn together.

I had a meeting with my therapist yesterday. I talked to her about last Sunday when I was majorly triggered by seeing another man at the house ... and that it was a man I know. This sent me into an emotional tailspin that has taken me some time to recover from. My ex recognized that I was triggered and called to talk to me about it. The conversation lasted 4-1/2 hours. She and I have had some pretty good conversations in the past month or so but the problem with this one is that she kept telling me that I shouldn't feel the way I do and that I need to change my thinking. While this is all valid, having her tell me what I should or shouldn't feel and telling me to get out of 'victim mode', just triggered memories of the emotional abuse where my feelings and thoughts were not valid.

I have every right to feel the way I do. She emotionally abused me for years and did it again in that conversation. I will move forward at the pace I am comfortable with and stop talking to her. She is a master at manipulation and control and I will no longer put up with her crap.