Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm hear because I have nothing left in me now.I feel like in the last few days there is no more hope.I don't want to get out of bed to even take a shower much less speak or anything.I've been so ready and excited about a new life away from an abusive man whom has controlled my entire world for so long ,but he is so hard to leave. You see I have 3 children 2 who are in college and they have been home and he has my boys siding with him! I have done everything to try my very best for them but it doesn't matter.He is a much better manipulator than I am a mother. While he has been traveling the world drinking, gambling, partying having other women, I have been home with the children. But when he has been home he plays such the good Dad role. I make good money, and your Mother is a idiot, a free loading worthless, stupid bitch.I see that my boys identify with him and my daughter will too, I see that coming too.They think I'm as worthless as he says I am.They can see that I have no value to them, and Dad holds all the cards, that I'm weak and he is strong.I think to myself why did I not leave such a long time ago when it would have made a difference.Now he is just destroying me to my children so that they think I'm a bad Mom and there Dad is there savior in this family.He has actually made it look as though he is my victim! I don't even know how but he has. So this is why I feel hopeless, the only thing I have ever had or had left was my children and he has successfully manipulated them away from me. I always in my warped thinking, thought I was protecting them by not letting them know what Dad really did and letting them be oblivious to his horribly abusive self .I actually thought I was keeping them safe from him by allowing him to be so abusive to me! I thought if I was there he couldn't get drunk and attack them ,or get them in the car and drive drunk with them.Also that when he went into a rage I would deal with it so my kids didn't have to deal with it.I never wanted them to experience the truth as I knew it to be.But after all these years of staying in this for obviously the wrong reasons it has backfired on me.He once again wins he has it all,always has and always will.I feel very defeated and don'r know what to do now! What am I going to do with my children believing there Dad and not me siding with him as if he is my victim!!!I just want to scream and never stop and I want to go as far away as I can and not come back but I can not do that to them ,I love my children and my daughter is only 11 .So for anyone that may be reading this and your children are pretty young and your husband is abusive to you. Do not wait for a better day, to come, it does get worse, and in the end you may, as I have lose your children's heart to your abuser. Because in my situation my husband is very manipulative, very selective in his approach to the level of abuse and upon whom he gives it to, it is always to his advantage and no one else's.Forgive my pathetic pity party, just listen to what I say, and don't do what I have done.
So--she took the brunt of the responsibility for child rearing. She was the one who had to cook, clean, put food on the table for me. She was the one who had to potty train me and deal with my temper tantrums. She was the one who had to work full time, only to come home tired and take care of a child when she barely had the energy to care for herself.
Since I only saw my dad every month or so--it was always a special occasion. He would take me out to lunch, whereas my mom didn't have money to. He would buy me stuff she couldn't afford. He would be happy and nice and on his perfect behavior. Why was she so stressed constantly, and my dad so genial and happy?
Of course, as a child, I didn't understand their relationship. One thing that my dad never did, was talk bad about my mom to me. For that I am very grateful.
Eventually, when I grew up and became a mother myself, I learned what my mom went through. I realized that although my dad was nice to me, and is an important part of my life, that he didn't sacrifice the same way for me, and that my mom was right to have left him. I learned what "emotional abuse" was.
I think your daughter will eventually learn this about you too--maybe not when she is a teenager, or even a young adult, but one day she will probably understand. You have given your children much of your life, and one day they will understand what that means.
Right now, you have to focus on caring for yourself. Your husband is a terrible man for depreciating you in your children's eyes. Your children still want to see you strong though, and they want to see you happy, even if they don't know all the facts or their opinions are warped right now by your abuser.
That is good advice that you gave. I hope that you can feel strong again soon, like you deserve.
what SHE said!
and don't forget about trauma bonding-your children are NOT stupid, and sorry, but you didn't shield them from it as much as you think.
somewhere in there, they KNOW.
they might not show it-everyone dances to the abuser's tune.
remember that.
YOU need to get out. YOU need to get back YOUR life.
don't worry so much about your kids, or what they think-
they need to see you rescue yourself.
don't beat yourself over the head over what they might or might not think.
you might be surprised after you get out-
or may take a while.
but you have been loving and have been caring for your children all of these years..
they have bonded to the abuser because that is the safe thing to do.
for now.
I think that if you start standing up for yourself a little, they will see that you are strong. I know how these abusers can beat you down. It makes us all so weary. I found that when I made the decision to leave, it was easier for me to assert myself. With that came more strength. You want your 11 year old daughter to grow up in a better environment with a better role model in both her parents, so make the move to show her how strong you can be.
Get out of bed, get a shower, and start tomorrow as a brand new day. You're a strong, compassionate woman who has raised 3 children, taken care of a husband, and a house. There is still plenty of life to lead, so go get it.
It's not too late to make changes, to make a new life for yourself. You have some great insights here. But it's NOT too late. Especially for your daughter, it's not too late to show her a strong role model of a mother who has learned and wants to protect her precious daughter from abuse.
You talk about "the end", you talk about "no hope", you talk about how he has always won "and always will" - you cannot know that. It's not the end, you and your kids are still alive, still have life ahead of you. Your daughter is still very young and can still benefit from a strong mother and an abuse free home. Pick yourself up, start making changes, start taking steps to walk away, start taking steps to show all your kids your true worth. He can't win if you refuse to play.
Please, get some therapy, do whatever you need to to find the strength that is in you. It has taken amazing strength to survive this for the sake of your kids - you have the strength to now walk away for the sake of yourself and your kids.
I also want to point out that this husband of yours is an empty vessel that hates himself so severely, is so empty and incapable of experiencing joy and love - that ANY love in his orbit must be destroyed.
You are capable of feeling love and other emotions and this is normal (don't forget a path to experiencing more - hopefully good ones). They can't - good nor bad. Just anger, fear, glee (at successful manipulation), and on and on, endlessly... what a hell to be trapped in.
Anyone who has endured so much would feel much the same. So stop beating yourself up for it. You are not weak you just need a breather and a pity party.
We are hear to support and all have very similar stories and know this pain. big hug.
I think the best thing you can do to help them is to not buy into your husband's craziness. If you can avoid biting when he throws in the hook, it will become obvious over time that he's the one doing everything and not you. I know how hard it is to not react when they are asses but it gets easier over time. I found that my ex was saying things just to get a reaction from me and when I decided that I didn't have to react, or even respond in any way, it was very empowering. And it stopped him communicating with me over things that he shouldn't have been.
Best wishes.
Imagine kids growing up and learning lessons. They take the lessons and build on them. They learn to learn and improve life skills. When did the boys get the lesson on how to treat women? And it was never your lesson to provide it was their father's.
I am sure they adore you as a mother and appreciate the sacrifices you made raising them. Unfortunately, they may just wake up each morning with a predisposition about women in general?
After saying all this? I would actually put 100% of my energy into my daughter and layout everything to her. Here's what to look for, here is what to avoid...