Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I miss you so much right now. It's been 17 days since I left. I have so much I want to tell you, so much I want to talk to you about. I wonder how you are. If your sleeping okay, drinking too much, taking your blood pressure medication. Do you wonder about me? Do you miss me? Do you wake up at night and wonder where I am?
I am so lonely for you. Who are you talking to now? Who is hearing your stories? Are you getting angry at them when they don't respond in the right way? You talked so much to me. I'm sorry I didn't want to hear you anymore. That I got tired of hearing the same stuff over & over. . Sometimes I'm sorry that .I finally figured it out. That you didn't want to talk to me. That you only wanted me to listen to you. I would love to hear your voice right now.
I want so much to call you, but I won't. What I'm missing has been gone for a long time. And it's after 10 o'clock, You would be at least 10 beers in by now, and I have no idea how you would react to me. Do you hate me for leaving? Are you glad I'm gone? Did I ever mean anything to you?
I have such a hole in my heart. Do you understand why I left? Is there ever even a chance that you will stop drinking yourself into a monster? Do you remember the last night? How close you were to hitting me? The awful things you said? Do you remember all the other times before? And your promises of being different? How many times you promised it wouldn't happen again? I do think you tried. I really do.
I remember when it was good, do you? When you weren't like this. When we had so much fun and couldn't get enough of each other. When we talked about everything and made such plans. I know that will never come back. I know it is gone forever and maybe wasn't even real to begin with, but I still miss it.
Do you know how much you hurt me? How much you scared me? How much I gave up for you? How hard I tried to be everything you wanted me to be?
I can't help it. I miss you. I want to see your face. I want to feel your arms around me. I want to hear your voice.
But I won't call you. I won't text you or email you. I won't drive by your place to see if you're home. I won't do this anymore. I will get over you. I won't ever forget you.
Please get well. Please get help. Please don't kill yourself this way. I can't be there and I won't be there to try to save you anymore, to try to make you okay. I truly wish you well.
And I miss you.
I am so lonely for you. Who are you talking to now? Who is hearing your stories? Are you getting angry at them when they don't respond in the right way? You talked so much to me. I'm sorry I didn't want to hear you anymore. That I got tired of hearing the same stuff over & over. . Sometimes I'm sorry that .I finally figured it out. That you didn't want to talk to me. That you only wanted me to listen to you. I would love to hear your voice right now.
I want so much to call you, but I won't. What I'm missing has been gone for a long time. And it's after 10 o'clock, You would be at least 10 beers in by now, and I have no idea how you would react to me. Do you hate me for leaving? Are you glad I'm gone? Did I ever mean anything to you?
I have such a hole in my heart. Do you understand why I left? Is there ever even a chance that you will stop drinking yourself into a monster? Do you remember the last night? How close you were to hitting me? The awful things you said? Do you remember all the other times before? And your promises of being different? How many times you promised it wouldn't happen again? I do think you tried. I really do.
I remember when it was good, do you? When you weren't like this. When we had so much fun and couldn't get enough of each other. When we talked about everything and made such plans. I know that will never come back. I know it is gone forever and maybe wasn't even real to begin with, but I still miss it.
Do you know how much you hurt me? How much you scared me? How much I gave up for you? How hard I tried to be everything you wanted me to be?
I can't help it. I miss you. I want to see your face. I want to feel your arms around me. I want to hear your voice.
But I won't call you. I won't text you or email you. I won't drive by your place to see if you're home. I won't do this anymore. I will get over you. I won't ever forget you.
Please get well. Please get help. Please don't kill yourself this way. I can't be there and I won't be there to try to save you anymore, to try to make you okay. I truly wish you well.
And I miss you.
I think it would be a good exercise to pretend to be him and write back to yourself. Focus on his lack of insight, abuse, and drinking. Because that's what's at the crux of it all. I can write it for you, if you like...
Good to get it all out. Very cleansing and therapeutic.
Hugs.
proud of you, stay the course
He may or may not get help. After I left, mine struggled on for over a year until the military finally noticed and sent him to rehab. Then, began drinking again the day he got out. He has stopped and started so many times I have lost count.
Keep writing to him. We are listening and bearing witness to your pain. Keep writing and keep it close to you. I am thinking of you today.
I don't kno how he would respond if I had sent it. But experience tells me somehow he would place the blame on me.
He would probably tell me that I don't want a real man, that I want to be the man. That I was never right for him, that I wasn't strong enough to be with him. That I run away every time things get tough. That he knows he has a problem & he's working on it. He would say he's getting better, can't I see it? He might say he needs a real woman in his life, someone who can be a real partner, not some little girl.
Or if he was drunk . . . . . he would scream at me about how worthless I am, about everything he has done for me and how I'm just like everyone else who expected him to be perfect. He would tell me that I owe him huge amounts of money for him supporting me & everything he's done for me. He would get louder and meaner and eventually tell me to "Get the F* out".
OR he could say that I am so right, that he is so sorry, that he will do anything to have me back. That I am his soul mate and the most wonderful woman in the world. That he needs me and doesn't want to live without me.
OR he could do all three of them. Yes all of the above and more, all in a matter of hours. And he thinks I'm unstable.
"If you feel that way, why did you leave then? You are the one who ruined it. You ruined our family by walking away. You abandoned me while I was sick. I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I never want to see you again. You can't decide what you want. This is the way I am. I am not so bad. I gave you everything. I provided you with everything. All my love. My life. You left. YOU LEFT. F YOU. GET THE F OUT OF MY LIFE AND NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN. YOU DIRTY WHORE."
The next day, "heeeeey"
I read something that I put on my fridge
"Now, I dont stop with listening. I dont think, thats really good advice and do nothing about it. What I do now is take the advice and run with it. Think of ways to make it my own. After seeing the difference it made in my life, how could I do otherwise?
If you want change, dont wish for it. Create it."
My thought is that I don't quite understand what to do to get better but everyone, I mean EVERYONE tells me that no contact is where it starts so I am going to just close my eyes and do it.
Good to journal and to vent here. Your reply #5, yes, same things I have heard/could hear from him.
It's about getting over the "idea" of how we see him/wish him to be again and accepting the reality of how he is and how things are. Stay strong! You're doing great!