Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I wanted to add to Rockinbunny's post, but my situation is a little different so I thought I'd create a new topic. I'm so glad Rockinbunny brought this up because I sometimes wonder if I was an abuser as well. I wonder if all the times I gave him the silent treatment because he wouldn't listen to me, hear me, validate my feelings, apologize for his behaviour etc. was abuse. I wonder if all those times I reacted to him yelling at me, name calling, telling me I'm a miserable person and that everyone he knows hates me, by saying mean things back was abusive. I didn't start out reacting that way. In the beginning I tried talking to him in a calm and respectful way, it just didn't work and he pushed me to edge, not knowing what else to do. Because he made it out that everything was my fault I doubted myself often...that I was really the problem and I started all this. Once I realized I was being abused, I realized that wasn't the case, that this was his issue, not mine. But even now I go back in mind sometimes and wonder if I really was the cause. How do you shake that? Anyone else still wonder sometimes even though they really do know better?
But YOU already stated the truth---it is a REACTION to his abuse. You do NOT start it. If someone is not going to listen to what I say, then I'm not going to waste my time and energy talking to them. That, in my opinion is not the silent treatment.
No matter what else happens, abusers have a way of twisting everything to make it appear to be your fault.
It is NOT your fault, you are NOT an abuser. You are just trying to survive.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))
yup, I often wonder at times and have to sometimes get a reality check...I think it is programming over the years , of being told it was our fault or that our thinking was flawed...it does get less over time. like gem says...it is a 'reaction' to the abuse
rick
I think we all wind up reacting to aggression in ways that are unbecoming of our moral fiber. I certainly have. And I have gotten so worn out that I don't want to talk to her, for fear my words will be twisted into the next rage. Or because all the explaining and apologizing for things that I didn't do exhausts me, and I get to the point where I know further words won't do any good. So I get silent. And I am tempted to say mean things in response. I haven't yet, but I fear I eventually will.
Someone on here posted that you should look to see if your behavior was the same in other relationships. If it was only in this one, then it wasn't you causing all the calamity. If you look at the abuser's relationships, every single one was probably turmoil, including those with friends and family. And when I look at my girlfriend's past relationships, there is a pretty clear pattern. That has helped me see that I'm not causing any of this. She's had issues with nearly everyone she has ever gotten close to from boyfriends, girlfriends, family, and employers. I suspect if you take a glance at your ex's past, it will be drastically different from yours, and hopefully give you a little validation that he creates his own problems and you had nothing to do with it.
But then I feel very badly when I tell him to stop talking to me and please, please give me space. Ive asked for a separation, he refused to leave, he stays downstairs just in the evenings after the kids go to bed. I am just so hurt and confused after realizing whats been happening in my marriage and I feel partly responsible because he keeps telling me I never communicated well enough how badly Ive been feeling. He keeps saying it takes 2 in a marriage for things to go bad, and even though Ive been told here otherwise and that these guilt, projection, twisting words are all tactics he is using because he doesn't want to lose me, I still cant help but second guess myself sometimes and feel badly. We've been together 22 years and I'm just realizing the last 3 years how much I feel I've lost my partner and he was being passive/aggressive with me, controlling and manipulating. As I started doing some soul searching, I'm realizing he's been subtly doing this for at least 12 years.
It's hard to NOT feel this way, because we are healthy, caring individuals who wouldn't treat someone like this. Now I find myself lying to my husband as I dig around and try and find out our finances, which he has always controlled. I also lie when he asks if I still really care and love him and if I am willing to work on myself and our marriage to make this work. I say yes, because I do not want him to know I am planning on leaving for fear of how he will react.
I also dont really want to spend any extra time with him than I have to. He asks to join us on the weekend if I take the kids out and I said I'm not sure, Id like the time alone. But then I feel guilty when he says, OK I'd like to go with you and the girls as a family, but I'll stay home alone if thats what you want.
SO I'm left to feel like a mean person. He appears to be trying but it's so hard and frustrating. I cant help but think of all he's done over the years and what he continues to do in between these "not so bad" times.
Hugs,
Lots of good points. I have found going right back to the start of my relationship with my husband to be helpful. We were simply disagreeing normally over something, when he hit me so hard across the face I fell sideways in surprise. That first memory sticking out, along with how hard I remember trying to please him for the first few years, TOO hard actually, brings me to the right conclusion: I didn't start the nightmare, and I could not have stopped him from starting it. I was not the way I am now then, either...
By 'I was not the way I am now then, either,' I mean that now I really feel as if I have seen the uglier side of life. When we met, I was eleven years younger and full of only hope and excitement. While I still have happiness and growth, in a few ways I am now sadder and wiser than I ever thought I would be. That is something that, to me, proves it was not a healthy relationship, and that unhealthiness was not wanted or instigated by me. I changed for the negative during it, and would rather not do it over the same way again.