You have post traumatic stress syndrome, my friend. I know how it is. Savor and enjoy your new moments or freedom rather than being too freaked out by them. Hindsight is 20/20 and it still amazes me that I, and intelligent and educated woman, could fall into an abusive relationship. Consider that many do not find your freedom and consider yourself...blessed.

Hugs to you friend. The freak-outs will get less and less.

Hi KeepOn -----

The abuse was NOT in your head.

Good for you, for getting out!

That thing with the crunchy foods ---- that's AWFUL, but believe it or not, not totally bizarre. I've seen/heard similar stuff, before.

Even though you still feel like the abuse was in your head, what you've described is typical emotional abuse. Your friends and family are right. It's great that they're there for you. It's great that you're out. That's a big, important step to getting back to whole and healthy.

Please be well, and nurture yourself now. That's JOB ONE!!!!!

Love yourself.

Ilene

welcome keepon - sorry to hear things are still difficult for you as you will find they still are for all of us on the board at times - and a huge NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY :-) emotional abusers are good at making us feel that way - being on a rollercoaster is one thing but when they try to steal your reality checking its another - it sounds really positive that you are getting out and doing things for yourself again - just simply buying a favorite food for yourself can help lift your spirits so much to remember the person you were before you were in the relationship and that you are becoming your real 'me' again - so your post sounds really positive to me - remember to give yourself the same empathy that you would give others as each of us our human we deserve our own compassion at times as well - i guess the difficult one to grapple with (sorry guys in the grp nothing against you) is that most people tend to think of females being very manipulative and they miss how manipulative a male can become in a relationship making the woman lose herself and it doesnt even require violence or chronic yelling - but sounds like you are right on track and I wish you best in your recovery lg :-)

thank you guys so much your words really mean a lot to me. I know i have PTSD because I grew up in an abusive household and have struggled with it my whole life....i guess this just made it worse again.

really I am crying right now because no one else in my life understands what this is like and your support means so much

The abuse was definitely not in your head. You will feel pain for a long time and normal life will feel "strange" but you did great by getting out. Pat yourself on the back every day for that cause it's hard. I didn't leave mine. I stayed with him and he ended up leaving for another woman which was a whole other form of abuse. Anyway, it took me over a year to stop hurting so much over all that happened so give yourself time to heal and be patient. You have been through an abusive relationship which is worse than hell I think. You will adapt to living the new life and with time you won't freak out. Don't worry. Everything will be fine.

Hes a classic abuser..Controlling...abusive..and then the further harassment when you finally get away..As if they haven't hurt you enough!!

Getting away can often be a one step forward, and two step backwards process..But one day you wake up and realise that you have made three steps forward...and its a great feeling..You're getting free!!

And they do seem to take so much away from you..It takes time to heal and recover..The following two pieces I found/read really helped me...I hope they help you too...

We assume that our inner landscape is constant, but that is not true. We assume that, in the course of an abusive relationship, our inner landscape becomes a wasteland. That too is not true.


An abusive partner will lay waste to your psyche as much as he can. He will cut down or burn whatever vegetation he sees that is flourishing. What he cannot do is pull it up by the roots, even though neither he nor you may realize that.


An abusive partner can create a powerful illusion of barrenness. An illusion is all that it is. But inasmuch as it can take a while for new growth to push up through the ground, we can become so focused on barrenness that we fail to see what is there. Because we only see what we expect to see.


For years I focused on protecting the 'broken' parts of me. And I failed to notice that they had healed.


I also failed to notice that the caring, compassionate people who had come into my life had observed all of that anyway. My secret was no secret for them. They respected the person they saw, the wholeness I have achieved.


Only my self-protective guardedness stopped me from celebrating that wholeness.


I have vowed to myself, and now I do so publicly, that from this point on I will love myself and be loved for precisely the person that I am.


Also this one...

In the words of Pushing Daisies, The facts are these:

He is not my problem.

I no longer put up with his behaviour. I don't have to, I don't want to - and I will not.

He will never thank me for leaving and will never be grateful for the love and kindness I gave him. And its not my problem.

I am proud of myself for building courage and for leaving him.

I AM TRUE TO MYSELF.

Expect the worst from him. Its the most I can count on.

I might lose people in my life. It will hurt. But it will be okay.

Its time to move on.

I have nothing at all that I need to prove to anyone.

No one else knows the real him and I am not here to show them. Its their problem.

People can judge me all they like, its just their opinion. Its not fact.

I am stronger than any of this.

I refuse to waste any further energy.

I am free.

I am a great person.

I love and respect myself.

I glide through this episode because I am not a victim.

No one else can judge me. They werent there. And they dont know.

I concentrate on being kind to myself and true to myself.

Keep going...You are far from crazy..But trying to 'make' you feel and act 'emotional' and crazy..fed his need to control..He is still trying to control you from afar by stories that hurt..To control your emotions..Please don't respond at all..or he gets exactly what he wants..Control..But you can focus on you..and your recovery..

A time is coming..where he'll have lost all his control over how you feel..and the freedom is so great..Keep going..you're doing so far so good..and theres better to come...

hi honey, i second all the above thoughts. i believe there are times we all doubt our own judgement and sanity when we have left a controlling relationship. there are moments when i wonder if i made it all up in my head. one of my dearest friends always reigns me in by saying "ok so lets pretend for a moment that you have made 50% of it up in your head, look at the FACTS and then you will have the reassurance that its not made up". its easy to allow emotions to override logic/facts but if you keep focusing on the facts themselves such as the example you gave about eating, it becomes more manageable. another point you raised, one of my biggest struggles has been all the terrible things i hear by ex has been saying about me when i am categorically the victim. the temptation is to retaliate. it took time for me to see this is exactly what these abusers want - to keep the control through provocation. rise above it, ignore any comments you hear and keep your dignity. i know for a fact that my ex is freaked out that i am not retaliating to any of his sick allegations. but i can go to bed at night with not only a clear conscience but with the knowledge that i AM the better person and those who really matter won't take a bit of notice of what he says. Dont get drawn in - be strong in the knowledge thats what he wants AND expects. one day at a time and when things get really rough, 1 hour at a time. be proud of how far you are coming along. x

thanks vonnie, kermit, and t for your responses.

this is really amazing and inspiring to me:
An abusive partner will lay waste to your psyche as much as he can. He will cut down or burn whatever vegetation he sees that is flourishing. What he cannot do is pull it up by the roots, even though neither he nor you may realize that.


An abusive partner can create a powerful illusion of barrenness. An illusion is all that it is. But inasmuch as it can take a while for new growth to push up through the ground, we can become so focused on barrenness that we fail to see what is there. Because we only see what we expect to see.
-----

But trying to 'make' you feel and act 'emotional' and crazy..fed his need to control..He is still trying to control you from afar by stories that hurt..To control your emotions..Please don't respond at all..or he gets exactly what he wants..Control..But you can focus on you..and your recovery..

-----

I know the above is completely true and realized right after that whole interaction that he just wants to suck me in and upset me because it means he still hast he power to affect how I feel and cut me down.

my friends tell me not to worry about all the shit he is talking because everyone who knows him knows everything that comes out of his mouth is a total lie. But it still upsets me.

I know when we were together he would yell or provoke me into having total breakdowns. as I said before I am already bipolar and PTSD so it was pretty easy for him to convince me I was being "crazy and emotional" and it was hard for HIM to deal with, he had to "walk around eggshells" and would yell at me for crying or getting upset with him until I completely broke down and got hysterical, hyperventilated.

Then he would talk me down, hug me, apologize, help me lay down and "take care of me". He wanted to make me as weak as possible then convinced me I was dependent on him, that i was sick and he was just trying to take care of me when I had these "episodes" which were really provoked by him being verbally abusive and threatening physical abuse, making me have flashbacks to my abusive childhood.....

he is still trying to do this from afar I understand now. but it's hard to keep emotionally distant. he will always find something I left behind or something unresolved to try and suck me back in with. Just like when I moved out and he prolonged contact for weeks arguing about stuff I accidentially took and the "trash" I left with him.

every day things do get better and a lot of times those rediscovered freedoms make me feel really happy. my friends that met me when I was with him tell me they have never seen me looking so healthy and laughing, smiling so much. Every day I am glad I found the strength to leave him and that nightmare.

Thanks for reading and listening and responding