Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I met back up with my Men's Support group last night, kind of a recap to see how things are going. Open format, we discuss what we want.
I suprised myself - and the others - by contributing to the jokes, and laughing. We had the group leaders in stitches. Admittedly, it got to be pretty dark humor at times, but it was still funny.
One of the things which we were all surprised by: the consensus seemed to be that we started the program looking to learn about abuse, how to combat it. How to fix our spouses, our marriages, ourselves so that we might be able to get back to the 'happy' life we thought we had.
And that looking back, we were one and all astonished at the growth we had made - not in finding solutions, not at fixing anything. But just in ourselves. We were still unsure of good paths - but no longer fearful of choosing bad ones. We were still loving - but no longer showed that love unconditionally. We were still wounded - but no longer destroyed.
It just really hit home to me the most important condition of 'how will I know if my abuser is capable of change?' And that is: it doesn't matter. When you ask that question, you are still basing your happiness in the behavior of another person. When you reach the point of 'Eh. If they change or not, I'm not allowing the abuse to continue, no matter what. Because I deserve better.' You'll know if you're ready to go back when you are not fearful of going back - you're confident enough in your own worth to stand strong against the most vile hatred and sly manipulations they can hurl at you. And then you get to choose if you really want to be in a relationship where they insist on treating you like that.
Because after abuse - it doesn't get to be about them anymore. They behaved terribly, and they owe you. Even if the price of that debt is no longer to get to be around you, no longer have you in thier life - they owe it to you. And only you can set the just terms for how much you have suffered. It's not punishment, it's not reprisal, it's not cruelty - it's justice.
And anyone who whines about how much justice hurts THEM - hasn't changed.
I suprised myself - and the others - by contributing to the jokes, and laughing. We had the group leaders in stitches. Admittedly, it got to be pretty dark humor at times, but it was still funny.
One of the things which we were all surprised by: the consensus seemed to be that we started the program looking to learn about abuse, how to combat it. How to fix our spouses, our marriages, ourselves so that we might be able to get back to the 'happy' life we thought we had.
And that looking back, we were one and all astonished at the growth we had made - not in finding solutions, not at fixing anything. But just in ourselves. We were still unsure of good paths - but no longer fearful of choosing bad ones. We were still loving - but no longer showed that love unconditionally. We were still wounded - but no longer destroyed.
It just really hit home to me the most important condition of 'how will I know if my abuser is capable of change?' And that is: it doesn't matter. When you ask that question, you are still basing your happiness in the behavior of another person. When you reach the point of 'Eh. If they change or not, I'm not allowing the abuse to continue, no matter what. Because I deserve better.' You'll know if you're ready to go back when you are not fearful of going back - you're confident enough in your own worth to stand strong against the most vile hatred and sly manipulations they can hurl at you. And then you get to choose if you really want to be in a relationship where they insist on treating you like that.
Because after abuse - it doesn't get to be about them anymore. They behaved terribly, and they owe you. Even if the price of that debt is no longer to get to be around you, no longer have you in thier life - they owe it to you. And only you can set the just terms for how much you have suffered. It's not punishment, it's not reprisal, it's not cruelty - it's justice.
And anyone who whines about how much justice hurts THEM - hasn't changed.
Seriously, glad you had a good time at your men's group. And I absolutely agree on the justice idea. They are only getting what they chose to create if you refuse to take it any more and remove yourself.
Even from being a kid, I was infuriated by the sight or idea of someone oppressing someone else! Remember being about five and getting pretty feisty with another kid who stole one of my friends' sweets... but it has been a long hard road towards applying that same drive for change and accountability in how others have treated me.
Perhaps I felt so disempowered as a child, that I fought so bloody-mindedly for others because I knew or believed that I could not get away with doing so for myself? That is now changing.
I too am realising that leaving abuse behind is really about how it made ME feel, and that it is the fact that it is the best choice for MYSELF that matters most.
I was flicking through a Louise Hay book today while at the cash register at work, and remember one thing she wrote: "Now, abusive men don't even know that I exist, because our patterns don't coincide any more. I no longer attract them." She sounded like the cat that finally got the cream, and I was so happy for her, reading it! She had freed herself from her every move depending on their behaviour. Now she is like, "Nope! We don't even move in remotely similar circles any more!" :)
Great post. I am often pleasantly surprised by the way that posts on here and things I have come across in the course of a day, frequently coincide in meaning :) xx
P.S. I know Louise Hay was talking about abusive men, but really it can apply to women as well. Or for those of us with abusive friends and family, just 'people'. ;)
I have arrived at similar conclusions lately. My husband is actually changing, but not fast enough or deep enough for my liking. I don't know how far his changing will go, I do hope he continues to work at it for the sake of our kids. However I am not planning to stick around to see. I have decided that no matter how much he changes, I can't trust him, and I'm not willing to put myself out there to work at trusting him. I'd rather work at getting to know myself again, trusting myself, and giving all of my love to my children, friends, and family who have not abused me.
" When you ask that question, you are still basing your happiness in the behavior of another person.......And then you get to choose if you really want to be in a relationship where they insist on treating you like that. "
I applaud you sir!