I haven't posted on here in awhile, but ran into a email notification, so, I decided to check my notifications and post something because I'm still struggling in my relationship with my 10 year old daughters father, which I've been with for nearly 11 years in about 10 days. In the beginning we were very compatible and knew each others thoughts and even finished them at times, but a few years later after countless fights, I didn't want anything to do with him more and more. I felt he ws pushing me away or rather fighting with me on purpose to get me to back off. I don't think or feel he likes to get close with anyone emotionally at all and so he is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He's not physically abusive or sexually abusive either, but I can't be intimate with a man who pushes my heart away like he has done over and over and played with it like a yoyo in between our fights. I've cut him off entirely for the last year and a half or 2 years except one time about a few months ago after we moved into a house from a mobile home we had been living in for 9 years. I guess I just wanted to see if the connection was there still or not and it was almost completely gone. That's when I decided I'm done with trying to mend whatever it is we have left and just be here with my daughter for my daughter as long as I can be, no matter how lonely or depressed I get/am. See, I've been thru worse abuse then this and I know this is still wrong to allow our daughter to witness, but when I keep my mouth shut for the most part, we don't fight or argue and yell. My 1st and only marriage was abusive in every way and more, including sexually and physically. He was a drug addict/alcoholic and  ws also in and out of jail all the time. I learned a hell of a lot from that relationship that has helped me survive this one 2 fold. I sleep on the couch and he sleeps on the bed in the bedroom so we're in two different rooms and I feel a lot more content and happier then I would be if I slept in the bedroom with him and not had sex involved. He pays the bills and works 35 miles away every day and so he's away from hoome for a good 12 hours 5 or 6 days a week. Our daughter goes to public school near our house and I'm saving him money by staying home and taking care of her when she isn't in school and while he's working. I'm physically unable to work outside the home for a few reasons. I don't have my drivers license and insurance and I don't have a steady work history either. So I don't have much experience or On the Job training. 

I'm overallcontent with how things are, but I'm really really lonely and I feel like I'm wasting my life away at times. I also feel like a failure as a mother because of how I've always been treated and how my older kids (who are all 3 adults now) are coping with or living their lives, which isn't even to be successful like getting a job and building a career or having even a HS Diploma or a dang Driver's License like me. Yes, they have their own emotional and mental health issues, but I don't feel like I did half as much as I should've or could've then I did for them as children. I know that the other thing that bothers me overall is the fact that no one respects or even really acknowledges all that I've done or am doing for them and they keep disappointing me and running me over with their wants and desires without thinking about how I really feel about any of it or if I really have the money or initiative to do whatever it is they want me to do. Tht includes how my 10 year olds father treats me too. 

I guess I'm just venting here tonight and trying to get more clarity in what my future holds. I have decided thou that once our daughter moves out on her own or turns 18, whichever comes first and I know she will be ok, I'm likely not going to stick around with him anymore to deal with his BS! I know I deserve a ton of happiness more then I've ever gotten in my life and if that means I have to die alone I will when these next 8 years go by. 

See, I've got PTSD, depression and anxiety from the abuses I've endured from my relationships, marriage and my own biological extended family and my mom's ex late husband when we lived with him.The abuse in my life started when I was 13 or 14. It didn't happen every day but at least 2 or 3 times a month average. I don't know if I was 'inviting' it or if it was just all them, but I feel it just kept escalating thru the years and thru the different relationships I had. So, the peak of it all ended in 1997 when my divorce was finalized and didn't start back up til 2009 after my youngest daughter was about 6 months old. Now that I've put my preverbial foot down and denied any physical connection with anyone and that is so hard on my heart cause I'm a very affectionate person or want to be and can't be cause I know sooner or later I'm just gonna get hurt again or disappointed all over again. 

My mental health issues are making it hard to feel empathy towards many people that I usually would feel compassionate sympathy for. Mainly those that are close to me emotionally. I'm so much more spacey and thoughtless then I ever was before and that bothers me, but I'm trying not to let it get to me too much. I think that silently expressing my emotions is helping and the webjournaling site that I've been using has also been helping. I even paid for a monthly unlimited counseling online session via BetterHelp.com for a few months prior to and for a month after we moved. I have days/nights where it gets really rough, but I push thru and it does get better eventually. I just feel a big sense of loss over my life and over time that I've wasted trying to live and breathe and be happy. So, I don't think negatively and try to take my life, leaving my older kids as well as my youngest cause I know they wouldn't understand even if they tried to what I did if I did that. Plus, I couldn't leave them anyways even if they constantly disrespected me to my face or over the phone. 

Ok, I'm sorry for making this a long post, but I'm glad you read it to the end cause maybe something I said will help you in whatever you're going thru or went thru that may have a similar tone as what I went or am going thru myself. If you would like to inbox me, feel free to and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Hope you have a great rest of your week and take good care of yourself, even if its in silence! {{{HUGS}}}