No, it is not pathetic. It is so important for us to honor how we feel and accept it. It does not mean you are going to act on it, but this is how you feel and it is legitimate. Right now you are feeling the bad and the good is gone forever. It hurts like hell. And I understand your need for longer lasting relief.
Him acting differently with others and telling you that he could have fixed this if you hadn't left, makes me think he can control his temper. But he would rather control you.
Don't you want to be in charge of how you feel, dress, express and think? He has no right to interfere in that.
You probably miss who you thought he was and now that you know , the guy you left should seem completely different to you.

I'm with sidi 100%. It is so important to allow ourselves to feel our feelings and honor them. I continued to question whether it was 'all that bad.' And, even 8 yrs later, that question somehow still pops into my head every once in a while. It's normal to feel the way you do, coming out of an abusive relationship.

You said your mother is very similar to him. That tells me that is probably what you grew up with and that seems normal. How else could you know any different?

The thing is that you don't know if that family is always joking and laughing. Many many 'jokes' are actually covert abuse. Pay attention to the sitcoms. You will will that most of that humor in some way puts down another person or group but everyone laughs it off. it's not really funny.

You deserve to live an abuse free life. You deserve to live in an 'anger free' zone!

Anger has its place, BUT it needs to be expressed in a healthy way, not an abusive way. You grew up thinking anger was normal and you held on to the small shows of affection in order to be able to cope w/your mom's anger. Same w/your husband. Children who are neglected will usually choose to do whatever it takes to get attention because any attention, even negative attention is better than no attention.

Let me repeat that: ANY ATTENTION, EVEN NEGATIVE ATTENTION, IS BETTER THAN NO ATTENTION.

Please consider getting "unused" to codependence. Talk to a therapist about it. There's a great book, Breaking Free of the Victim Trap that talks about codependence and explains how and why it's unhealthy, not just for you, but for the people you're codependent with and vice versa.

The goal in most healthy lives is not to be independent or dependent but rather interdependent. And we all need to have autonomy.

A very wise therapist told me that in order to have a healthy relationship w/another person, we must first have one with ourselves.

Please give yourself the gift of time to nurture yourself, live in an abuse free environment and heal.

~healing hugs~

Thank you.
Yeah the jokes were funny but some of them were mean. His uncles would always say he's "half a man" because he isn't married yet, and when I was playing with my bracelet his father said, "Look she's so nervous! How cute" and then noticing that my eyeliner was not even.

When they told this to my ex, how I have to be more graceful in how I dress (I have a bohemian style, they wanted me to dress more professionally) they promptly told him, "Well you're fat so it's okay if she's missing some things" and they laughed and laughed.

I guess you're right. Everyone just seemed so happy, which was a nice escape from the tense home environment I am living in these days. Ironically it was my mother who ended the engagement bc she said he's abusive, though her anger is a lot worse and much more hurtful.

So you are presented as a ""fair compromise"" by his family ""considering the circumstances"". Yeah, that's abusive.

I don't know the boy, but I have a feeling that when he said he could fix it, he didn't mean that:
-He is going to educate himself on emotional and mental abuse
-He would work on his self esteem issues
- The he is going to respect you and learn how to cope instead of going into breakdown.
And it so important. This is change. If he comes from this environment he needs to be re- educated.

Is part of the complex way you feel about the situation fear, because now you're stuck with your mother again? Don't choose a lesser evil. There are relationships out there that are good and free from abuse, and you deserve to find one that makes you happy.

Also don't feel guilty about breaking off your engagement. You don't need a reason. He didn't need to abuse you to a certain level for you to justify leaving. You are allowed to leave any time you want, for any reason. People do it all the time, just because they don't really like each other, and that's healthy. You don't need to justify that decision to anyone or feel guilty about it.

Tulip I think that is it exactly. Now I'm stuck with my moms anger and unpredictable mood swings.

I just keep praying that God sends the RIGHT ship away from this anger.
I know I don't need a reason. I just miss him a lot. A whole lot. And sometimes I internally get angry at my mom for ending it.

t.h. -----

There have been a handful
of very good responses
already and I probably
can't do any better than
those right now.

But I do have a
few observations:

One is that there's a
biochemical reason
why breaking bonds
of intimacy is such a
hard thing to do. (I've
said this often, on this
forum.)

Having given the
biological explanation
its due, here's the thing:
Cravings diminish over
time, even cravings for
drugs but certainly
cravings to be
back with an abuser.

The second observation
is about something you wrote:

""""""His abuse wasn't that bad."""""""

Compared to what?

Him not beating
or killing you?

Yes. Compared to that,
whatever he did probably
wasn't all that bad.

I hope you'll arrive at a day
when you'll feel that no
amount of abuse in your
life is tolerable.

Third, you wrote:

When they told this to my ex, how I have to be more graceful in how I dress (I have a bohemian style, they wanted me to dress more professionally) they promptly told him, "Well you're fat so it's okay if she's missing some things" and they laughed and laughed.

Who are THEY to be
dictating how YOU
should dress?

No one should have to
cut off parts of themself
to fit into someone elses
mold and maybe "be loved."

Have you ever had
the experience of
loving YOURSELF?

If you haven't
(and it sounds
like you haven't
or you wouldn't
be talking about
losing a fraction
of your autonomy
to be "acceptable"
to someone who
mistreats you),
I urge you in the
strongest terms
to get some counseling
or other therapeutic
approach to help you
experience what
loving yourself
feels like.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
all good things.

Sorry Sidi I just read your comment. Yeah that's true, for everything he had to say about my "lack of grace" he would say, "Well my parents say I'm fat" or "I'm fat so I guess that's okay..." and would always say I have "raw beauty" because I have the "potential" of looking like something if I went to a salon. When I got upset he said it's a compliment and I just haven't learned to be more kempt.
I told this to my friends and they said they all love the way I dress, and that they look up to my style. I felt so weird when he said that, like I am a child.
Another thing is whenever I would talk about my writing, my art or poetry, and how art is embedded in my personality/how I view the world would say that that's not the purpose of life and that I romanticize things, and "No wonder your mom uses tough love on you. I can really see why." But then he called back and said, "It was wrong of me to say that. I should be patient with your psyche since you're younger" (there is a 5 year age gap) and "I will teach you and be patient with you and the fact you have a lot of growing up to do."

Yes llenw I have to learn to love myself. It is difficult to see him as an abuser so I'm still trying to digest that. I know he was set in his ways and didn't like change, so that's why I thought he would get frustrated when I had a different stance.

About it not being that bad...I still hear him in my head, four years later. I have heard survivors say that the emotional abuse it much harder than the physical abuse. It stays for a very long time. You are very lucky to be out.The nicest guy ever can be the worse bully of all times when you can not protect yourself and when he tells you not to defend yourself. That's when it becomes scary. And about your ex, I really hope he finds a good reason to get professional help in the future, because he seems to have suffered as well.

I agree with the others. You also said "Perhaps losing independence isn't as bad as being loved in return." Control isn't love. If you truly love someone, you love who they are, not what you believe you can change them into. You are so used to being controlled, that I wonder if you have even experienced true autonomy. Your ex's parents were trying to decide for you how you should dress, your mother broke off your engagement, your ex told you what should be important to you - where are YOU in all this?

I do think the suggestion of finding a really good, qualified therapist to help you work through all of this and to find and really love your own authentic self is a very good one.

And I also strongly second the "don't settle for the lesser of two evils". Find the good.

Oh one more thing - please don't talk yourself down. There is nothing "pathetic" or "wrong" about any of what you wrote.

You said:

"Another thing is whenever I would talk about my writing, my art or poetry, and how art is embedded in my personality/how I view the world would say that that's not the purpose of life and that I romanticize things, "

That is your right as an artist. I hope you truly know that art is exactly how you described.

His bullcrap about that's not the purpose of life is IMHO, total BS. Who is he to judge/decide what the purpose of life is? (rhetorical question because he has no such right!)

If you want to romanticize, that is your right as human being. Keep doing your art YOUR way!!

You went on to say:

"and "No wonder your mom uses tough love on you. I can really see why." But then he called back and said, "It was wrong of me to say that. I should be patient with your psyche since you're younger" (there is a 5 year age gap) and "I will teach you and be patient with you and the fact you have a lot of growing up to do." "

He is very sick and very scary!

1. Again with the judgment.

2. He's putting you in a parent child relationship w/him and that's sick.

3. He totally discounted his so-called apology by what he said following it.

4. He is putting you down w/the being patient w/your psyche since you're younger and you have a lot of growing up to do crap. And he is reinforcing the parent child relationship w/him (you're the child & he's the parent)

5. The I will teach you BS really mean, I will groom you. Gives me the shivers!!!!

I'm so sorry you have had to put up w/this.

You deserve to be loved and respected and accepted for the beautiful artistic adult human being you are!

Thanks Livndadrem. Yes I have to learn autonomy. I am moving out soon so hopefully that independence will help me get out of that controlling angry atmosphere I am so used to. My mother used to be extremely picky about my dress as well, my friends, my schedule, and I'm very free-spirited, so we never got along. And with that, a WHOLE lot of anger from her, sometimes even slapping, blocking the entrance so I can't leave, forcing her truth on me. But with that, INTENSE love too.
This shift will be good I think for both of us.

MTC, thank you for your insight. He always made me believe I was stupid, not book-knowledge wise but life-wise. In terms of my goals/pursuits. He said I have a lot of learning to do because I am immature--he always made me believe that my love for art, writing, and poetry was just a hobby, something that could change. He called it "arts and crafts." He did think I was a good writer, he did think I was a good artist. But he didn't buy the fact that my artistic nature is a part of my personality, the way I view the world, the way I think. And he'd call me weird, I don't know enough yet, and he will be patient with my mode of thinking.
I believed it because my mother thinks the same of me. That this is all so stupid, and when he would say I don't know myself my mom would agree.

He said he liked my innocence because I will listen to him, I'm mold-able.

My mom LOVED him before engagement. Loved him after. Only when he started becoming possessive of me, b/c my mom is possessive of me, that she had her red flags and didn't want to let me go to someone who didn't want her influence in my life.