Hon ----

I'm afraid this is "normal."

It's a predictable injury
caused by being the
target of abuse.

Your response to it
is good. . . . noticing
it and not acting on it.

Keep noticing it. When
you do, say to yourself,
"Okay. . . . this is an
emotion that's the result
of being abused." That
way, you won't coninue
the cycle of injury
causing injury
causing injury.

After you notice
the emotion and
"talk" to it, the next
thing is to take
long deep breaths.

That's a physical
way to counter
the stress/anger
response.

So. . . . first notice
it, then talk to it,
then breathe it out.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
continual healing.

I know I have had a similar sort of thing due to stress of dealing with an abuser. Also triggers - when you find yourself in a situation that could look like one that you were in with your abuser, even though it may not actually be, it triggers the same or a similar emotional response in you.

Abusers do twist us a bit, because we are not made to withstand the torture they put us through. That`s why their behaviour is called things like "crazymaking". It can make the victim temporarily feel and look crazy to those who don't know what the abuser is doing.

But you`re not him. Your brain is reacting to being abused. Every time I have been abused, I have gone through periods of up and down emotions, triggering, and what could look to other uninformed people like instability afterwards. It was not me, and it is not you.

Hope this helps. Hugs xxx

I am guilty of this, too, and I have been for a period of time following every abuse situtation I have been in--4 altogether, incuding my childhood, an extreme medical abuse by a doctor, and 2 romantic relationships. After each one, I was very reactive to similar type behaviors directed at me. This can be a double-edged sword as many of us discount our reactions, in the face of real and present danger, because we automaticallya ssume we are over-reacting.

Ilene,thanks for the guidance about how to deal with these reactions.

Second the thanks to you, Ilene. That helps.

Kris, the double-edged sword makes sense to me. In situations where my intuition was right on, I have questioned myself. That self- questioning was also actually reinforced by one or two abusers, particularly my father. When I was expressing a legitimate emotional response, either in my own right or to his abuse, he`d say, "Calm down. You're overreacting." I wasn't. He just hated me expressing myself, and wanted to crush it.

Oh def! I used to get on my kids about things that didn't bother me at all but I knew would bother him. Sometimes I still catch myself about to hush them and so instead I stop and really listen and ask questiins about whatever they are talking about (esp my son and his constant yammering about video games)
Def adding my thanks to ilene for the techniques to get around it.
Warm gentle hugs

Your not turning into him, I am so admiring of your insight into a result of abuse I recognize myself. I recognize a lot of the responses you've gotten.

My ex wanted me to be perfect all the time, now I find myself wanting to be perfect all the time and being panicked, irritated, unsatisfied if everything is not perfect. This tendency got worse when my daughter and boyfriend both got sick. When they were not doing well AI took care of everything, even if it ran me into the ground, and it gave me a great sense of control over an unpredictable world I felt like I had no control over.

Now that they are doing better it is necessary for them to gain the self confidence of doing things themselves, and contributing to our household. As important as I know this is-I hate it-because they aren't doing it the way I would do it-they don't do it perfect. I struggle every day to let go of the fact my bf who did all the laundry didn't hang my clothes in the closet by color like I do-and dozens of other stupid things like that. So instead of focusing on the fact he feels good about doing this, and wants to be helpful and contribute I'm thinking about how I would do it better, and making myself keep my mouth shut about it and actually let it go. I do the same stuff with my daughter. She'll clean the living room and I'll want to come in behind her and re-do it instead of being grateful she is capable of and agreeable to do it. I know that is not right for SO many reasons and I also know WHY I do that crap. My abusive marriage.

I hate to say this my friend, but like myself and the others who posted-this is probably only a fraction of what you'll find having been in an abusive relationship has done to you. Like the triggers Rockin is talking about-I get that BIG time and I HATE it but I can't help it-it happens automatically. Only being aware of it can mitigate it's effects, and may be some day I will respond differently. As far as myself-I find new things where a light bulb goes off, like "oh, I didn't even know I was doing that." And it was because of the abuse, and it things fit together. I see patterns I didn't see before. It makes it feel sometimes like abuse never ends, the damage continues. But the truth is it's there already, becoming aware of it can help heal the damage.

I am SO relieved to hear that Im not the only one dealing with this. Cant you explained exactly how I feel. My stbx expected me to be perfect PLUS some a level I could NEVER attain. Then, when I made a mistake he would go off the deep end. I remember when I was like 7 months pregnant I had finished doing the dishes, and I was tired so I went to lay down only to have him come back in and yell at me to come back into the kitchen because I had gotten water drops on the floor and not wiped them up nor had I rinsed out the sink. Like WTF, if it bothers you that much do it yourself! Not to mention at 7 months its kind of hard to bend over! He literally made me feel like a dog that shit on the floor and was having its nose rubbed in it. What a jackass!

Anyway, I am trying to let go of all these thoughts of how I could have done something better myself or re-doing something. My mom folded some bibs for me the other day but I had to go in an re-do it because they werent folded how I wanted them. Then I got to thinking why am I wasting my time? Does it really matter how they are folded? Its gotten to the point where I had considered that maybe I have OCD or something like that but again, these things never used to bother me before I met my stbx. I know it stems from him because he had to control EVERYTHING. I even remember one time having a conversation with him about how there is more than one way to something, and just because its not HIS way doesnt mean its wrong. (Of course in HIS mind it is but any normal person would find this logical) I keep having this conversation with myself in my head about how just because she doesnt do something how *I* want it done doesnt mean its wrong or not done well.

I just hope someday to get back to my carefree/laid-back attitude that I used to have not this type A crap that's been drilled into me!

Also Ilene, thank you for the insight and I will try your ideas!

Yes, I do know about that perfectionist thing very well. For me, I think right now it was the most damaging thing, among many,many damaging things he did. The perfectionist thing was every day, it spilled into everything I did. If he was in the room and I was doing ANYTHING at all my tension level went through the roof, because I KNEW I was going to receive criticism. If I cut up vegetables he told me I would cut my finger off, if I was stirring something I was using the wrong utensil, if I was vacuuming I wasn't making four passes in each spot, if I was dusting I needed to clean each individual leave on a potted plant with specific cleaner and type of cloth, the list goes on an on. The message was that I was an infant, a child in need to constant mentoring. Any decision I made was wrong, I was incapable, and stupid, couldn't even do the simplest thing without his help.

And the worst thing is he believed it, because he enjoyed beveling it, it justified his control over me. And I came to believe it. And this this lack of belief in my capabilities has been ingrained in me, and it remains despite convincing evidence to the contrary.

And I am not supposed to be angry about such as constant, selfish, degradation like that? On an psychological level, EVERY SINGLE time I got up he pushed me down-imagine that physically and how that would feel and what it would do to you and recognize that psychologically that is exactly what they did to us. And that is only ONE of many, many things!

On a positive note you have the intelligence, and the ability to recognize this damage and do something about it. That is such an amazing gift that you have that many others, for whatever reason-don't. Which means you have the power to do something about it-even if it's hard.

It's normal to have your own set of pet peeves even as someone that's never been involved with an abuser. It's okay to feel annoyed by just about anything, as long as we're not punishing others for our feelings, and we're dealing with that annoyance in a healthy way. But when there has been abuse, it somehow changes how we see things and can alter how we react to them. Recognizing this is awesome because it means we have the choice to take steps to "fix" it.

I come from one of those loud families where everyone has a different conversation going at once when we all get together for any gathering. It never bothered me before my ex because it was something I had previously seen only on holidays or other parties. During the split and when my ex was being his "worst" toward me, it came out how much he hated this about my family. So eventually I move in with my parents while I'm leaving the relationship, and suddenly I find I can no longer handle the sound of my parents' voices. I'm literally biting down on my own teeth just to stop myself from telling everyone to use their "inside voices." Eventually, after many weeks and months of reflecting on the relationship and recognizing the abuse that took place, I realize this is not my belief that they're annoy; it was always his. With just that thought alone, I kept reminding myself how cool with my family I had been before living with my ex, and after a few more weeks, things have been much MUCH more comfortable for me.

Definitely have noticed myself start to act like this too -- getting mad & triggered by a situation that reminds me of the abuse. And I've also dealt with the perfectionism too. Pretty much identical disruption wih the dishes -- wasting water and not "doing them right/fast enough". All the chores that I did were never good enough/quick enough. Nothing was ever good enough and I was reminded of that.

Now I do criticize myself just like they use to criticize me. But like you, I'm realizing it and trying to change it.

Excuse my poor terminology, but it was as if they brainwash us. Only after we break from it do we realize how much the succeeded in changing who we are.

You'll need to take some time to re-train yourself. But that's the "fun" part... getting to decide exactly how you want to be! : D

Yes! and I appreciate your post as well as the replies here. I've been going through this same thing, more and more recently, where I'm really noticing behaviors. I'm realizing that I have unfortunately picked up behaviors as a result of the environment I and my kids were in for so many years.

The hard part is consciously working on changing it. Sometimes responses I make to other people, after I say it, I'm really unhappy with myself. I'm working on finding the healthy balance of when do I just keep quiet and let it go and when do I speak up for myself and try to say it calmly and respectfully. Being immersed in an environment of finger-pointing, anger, frustration, and yelling takes its toll.

It's really difficult. I try to remind myself "what would I say to a friend who is feeling the way I am? " But you're not alone. Keeping you in my prayers, take care and stay strong.

I have been lashing out at everyone, and I hate it. It's like I want everyone to hurt like I am hurting. I have been really mean to my ex and don't care, it kinda feels good to me. I think I'm going down a very dark path.

Most of the time, I feel exactly like him. Everything he used to do to me, I now do it to everyone else. I've lost a lot of friends just because I was mean and lashing out at them. I'm still trying to repair just about every aspect of my life, it's hard. Therapy is helping, I highly recommend finding a good therapist and seeing them regularly.

I did this on my FaceBook for a while.

Here's a huge terrible confession: My ex was constantly calling me a whore and telling people I met men online everyday and sent them naked photos of myself. I had actually lived the life of a nun for 10 years before meeting him. I didn't even flirt for 10 years.

After I left ex, I developed a close friendship with a male high school classmate on FB. I flirted with him outrageously in public. I also humiliated him. I would post huge come on's to him (which other former classmates could see), and then insult him publicly. I had never done anything like this, or treated anyone like this, in my lfie. I felt it was all in fun, and pure comedy, but now I see it wasn't. I was angry for how my ex had treated me, constanlty insulting me by cheating online and on the phone everyday. I treated this man like he was my ex and I was getting even.

I am an older woman, too.