Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I've left for good for a little over 2 months now, and I just wanted to share my thoughts for those who are thinking about leaving and those who have left and are struggling.
So, for summary's sake (since I'm on here off and on):
I've been in an abusive marriage for almost 5 years (been together for almost 7 years). This was someone I knew since high school and had no clue was abusive. The abuse started out verbal and emotional, and escalated to physical, financial, and sexual over the course of the past few years. I've left 3 times, and this time is definitely a charm. Leaving wasn't easy, though, especially this time, since I pretty much lost everything valuable that I owned and many sentimental items. I'm in hiding until I get my life together.
So, at the last point that I wrote (a little over a month ago), I was in an abusive living situation with a friend, and my only other choice (since I'm dead broke with kids) was moving back in with my abusive family. Luckily, I reached out to a friend who happened to have family and although I had to stay with my abusive family for a little bit, I'm now truly in a safe place with my head slowly getting together.
I can be long winded, so I will just boil everything down to certain points:
-NC is such a good idea. Every time I contacted my stbx husband, he used it as an opportunity to abuse me long distance. So, even despite the kids, I choose not to contact him
-If you are in hiding, don't share your location with anyone. Even friends and family. Just keep your distance, especially if you aren't stable yet.
-Limit social media. I've abandoned accounts and changed account names because he would reference me all the time even though I've blocked him. FB is about the only place where a block truly works, but even then, I've upped my privacy, deleted mutual friends/family, especially those who were sympathetic to him, and barely interact with people. If you use FB on mobile, I definitely wouldn't post anything or message anyone because the default is to give away your location.
-Don't talk about your situation to anyone, except maybe therapists and on here :). Even if family means well, you will get a bunch of inapplicable advice like "God will change people", "Maybe you guys will get back together", "You should call him, at least for the kids' sake", "You should move to X city" (basically putting me back out in the open), "Call X, he will beat him up", etc. You need to focus on getting you together in the best way you know how, not be distracted by ill but well-meaning advice. And don't get me started on the comments like "What did YOU do to cause the situation", "It wasn't THAT bad", etc.
-Swallow the bitter pill that you may lose some relationships with friends and family that were privy to the abuse. Everyone has their own opinion, and if your ex called everyone who he thought would support you and spread lies like mine has, then it's going to take awhile for people to come around. Still, try to forge and/or deepen friendships that haven't been affected by the abuse. That's why I'm so lucky to be in the positive situation that I am in now.
-Don't jump into another relationship. I learned this the last time that I left. Once again, focus on getting YOU together. Plus, at this vulnerable state, you will most likely end up with users and/or abusers. And if some sane guy does come along and want to be with you, he might be put off by your drastic situation, or, even worse, may become a target of your ex if he ever finds out.
-Don't be so hard on yourself. Man oh man, if I would not have done a few things last year, I would be in a much better position now. But, I can't dwell on the past or be too hard on myself. I'm starting a new day today--even with nothing, even being practically homeless. I've learned to swallow my pride and take this situation as a lesson and not a failure.
Hope to help, and good luck!
So, for summary's sake (since I'm on here off and on):
I've been in an abusive marriage for almost 5 years (been together for almost 7 years). This was someone I knew since high school and had no clue was abusive. The abuse started out verbal and emotional, and escalated to physical, financial, and sexual over the course of the past few years. I've left 3 times, and this time is definitely a charm. Leaving wasn't easy, though, especially this time, since I pretty much lost everything valuable that I owned and many sentimental items. I'm in hiding until I get my life together.
So, at the last point that I wrote (a little over a month ago), I was in an abusive living situation with a friend, and my only other choice (since I'm dead broke with kids) was moving back in with my abusive family. Luckily, I reached out to a friend who happened to have family and although I had to stay with my abusive family for a little bit, I'm now truly in a safe place with my head slowly getting together.
I can be long winded, so I will just boil everything down to certain points:
-NC is such a good idea. Every time I contacted my stbx husband, he used it as an opportunity to abuse me long distance. So, even despite the kids, I choose not to contact him
-If you are in hiding, don't share your location with anyone. Even friends and family. Just keep your distance, especially if you aren't stable yet.
-Limit social media. I've abandoned accounts and changed account names because he would reference me all the time even though I've blocked him. FB is about the only place where a block truly works, but even then, I've upped my privacy, deleted mutual friends/family, especially those who were sympathetic to him, and barely interact with people. If you use FB on mobile, I definitely wouldn't post anything or message anyone because the default is to give away your location.
-Don't talk about your situation to anyone, except maybe therapists and on here :). Even if family means well, you will get a bunch of inapplicable advice like "God will change people", "Maybe you guys will get back together", "You should call him, at least for the kids' sake", "You should move to X city" (basically putting me back out in the open), "Call X, he will beat him up", etc. You need to focus on getting you together in the best way you know how, not be distracted by ill but well-meaning advice. And don't get me started on the comments like "What did YOU do to cause the situation", "It wasn't THAT bad", etc.
-Swallow the bitter pill that you may lose some relationships with friends and family that were privy to the abuse. Everyone has their own opinion, and if your ex called everyone who he thought would support you and spread lies like mine has, then it's going to take awhile for people to come around. Still, try to forge and/or deepen friendships that haven't been affected by the abuse. That's why I'm so lucky to be in the positive situation that I am in now.
-Don't jump into another relationship. I learned this the last time that I left. Once again, focus on getting YOU together. Plus, at this vulnerable state, you will most likely end up with users and/or abusers. And if some sane guy does come along and want to be with you, he might be put off by your drastic situation, or, even worse, may become a target of your ex if he ever finds out.
-Don't be so hard on yourself. Man oh man, if I would not have done a few things last year, I would be in a much better position now. But, I can't dwell on the past or be too hard on myself. I'm starting a new day today--even with nothing, even being practically homeless. I've learned to swallow my pride and take this situation as a lesson and not a failure.
Hope to help, and good luck!
If you don't mind, I'd like to add to it....
-Get counseling/therapy with someone who specializes in recovery from abuse & PTSD.
-Contact your local shelter or other organizations for information and resources. Most offer free support groups & referrals to counseling. Some offer help finding jobs & inexpensive housing.
-Allow yourself as much time as your body, mind & spirit need to heal. Healing from abuse doesn't happen over night or even in a couple of months. ALL types of abuse cause deep wounding scars and just like a cut, take a long while - months....years - to heal so the scars are not only not painful, but also so they fade away.
-Healing takes a concentrated effort on your part. If you don't make the effort, take the steps & walk that path, you won't heal...you just it down deeper where it only festers & will show itself at some point. Healing isn't pretty and it's not fun, BUT keep your eye on the prize because healing AND the journey you take as you move thru it are the prize.
-Honor your feelings. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. So, if you allow them to be what they are & accept them, they will dissipate. What we resist persists.
-Focus on the positive. What we focus on expands. When thinking about leaving, most of us think about how we CANNOT do it. There are tons of legitimate reasons to keep us from leaving. BUT, if we focus on the positives, we will begin to find more and more positives & we'll find that leaving is possible.
-Practice gratitude. The more we find things for which we can be grateful, the more we will find. And the more we are grateful, the more things will come our way.
-B-R-E-A-T-H-E...Several slow deep breaths can and do allow us to change our mood.
-Practice healthy self-care. Taking good care of yourself is free. There's a great book, The Extreme Art of Self Care by Cheryl Richardson. There are lots of good places on line - places that teach meditation, give free self care ideas, even some that teach us how to be alone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs
-TRUST YOUR GUT. Your gut will never mislead you. If its warning you of red flags, LISTEN. Where we get in trouble is putting explanations or exceptions on our gut feelings. YOU KNOW otherwise, you wouldn't be here asking questions, looking for validation. YOU KNOW.
Thanks for sharing.
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