Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My husband had to pick up the girls at my sisters bc I had a hair appt. He was following my sis around trying to talk, cried, etc and said how much he loved me and asked if things were fixable. She told him that it's over based on what I've been saying and he just wasn't excepting it. He kept pressing but she stood firm and told him she didn't feel comfortable discussing w him. Then he kept pressing our daughter asking whAts wrong, are u upset, etc. Like he was egging her on. She finally got up and walked away from him.
Then he starts blowing up my phone - asking if there's hope, bc sis said no. I finally call and talk to him it's the same shit - running emotions all over, begging for more chances etc
I then go to my moms. My husband had seen her Wednesday after work and badgered her!! He went there to pick up some Christmas presents and cornered her in a room and my mom stood strong. Again, he was rambling, crying, accused her of telling me to get a divorce - it was crazy. I hardly talk to my mom bc he gets mad when I'm on the phone long time, this was too much to txt me and I just found all this out today!!
I am scare to be honest bc he gets this look in his eye. It happened at my moms too. He continues to badger me and ask if there's hope. Begs for chances, says he's falling apart, can't breathe, etc.
I'm up now bc I'm still sick and my cough woke me up so he took the opportunity to come and talk for the last hour as I'm hacking up a lung. I swear it's all about him. The words that come out if his mouth NEVER match his actions. He presses me and I just want to say YES THIS IS OVER - but I'm scared of his reaction. In the last week alone I thought I conveyed that point, but either he's in denial, not hearing me, or is delusional.
Do I say it once and for all?? I have now 21 ppl - my family- coming Christmas Eve and the Day we'll be at my sisters. It'll b a disaster!! And the following Saturday we're supposed to go to his family's - 3 hr drive away and stay over for 2 nights! I do not want to go now. I'd be all alone there, with no support and it would be extremely uncomfortable. I was thinking of telling him straight up. But tell the kids I feel sick and am staying home. I just wonder IF he were to take both kids and go without me, I fear what the kids will hear. I'm sure thru will be talking and not caring if the kids are in earshot. I'm just sick over this.
Then he starts blowing up my phone - asking if there's hope, bc sis said no. I finally call and talk to him it's the same shit - running emotions all over, begging for more chances etc
I then go to my moms. My husband had seen her Wednesday after work and badgered her!! He went there to pick up some Christmas presents and cornered her in a room and my mom stood strong. Again, he was rambling, crying, accused her of telling me to get a divorce - it was crazy. I hardly talk to my mom bc he gets mad when I'm on the phone long time, this was too much to txt me and I just found all this out today!!
I am scare to be honest bc he gets this look in his eye. It happened at my moms too. He continues to badger me and ask if there's hope. Begs for chances, says he's falling apart, can't breathe, etc.
I'm up now bc I'm still sick and my cough woke me up so he took the opportunity to come and talk for the last hour as I'm hacking up a lung. I swear it's all about him. The words that come out if his mouth NEVER match his actions. He presses me and I just want to say YES THIS IS OVER - but I'm scared of his reaction. In the last week alone I thought I conveyed that point, but either he's in denial, not hearing me, or is delusional.
Do I say it once and for all?? I have now 21 ppl - my family- coming Christmas Eve and the Day we'll be at my sisters. It'll b a disaster!! And the following Saturday we're supposed to go to his family's - 3 hr drive away and stay over for 2 nights! I do not want to go now. I'd be all alone there, with no support and it would be extremely uncomfortable. I was thinking of telling him straight up. But tell the kids I feel sick and am staying home. I just wonder IF he were to take both kids and go without me, I fear what the kids will hear. I'm sure thru will be talking and not caring if the kids are in earshot. I'm just sick over this.
And yes, it's all about him. He sees that you are stronger and decisive and he's scared. You don't have to tell him yet. Anyway, it will just make him more desperate and scary and he won't want to give you his permission to leave. Get used to the fact that this will be an uphill battle. When mine realized I was serious, he told me he wouldn't let me divorce him, that he would take the kids from me. Bottom line. You can tell him, but he probably won't care what you want and will look for new ways to invalidate and control you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It's a shame. I thought this could be amicable but it certainly doesn't look like its going to be.
In the end you are the one left with the outcome of your decisions. It is good to be thinking about the concerns of others but not to the neglect of self when you are needing something in your own bucket. However your decisions will affect others, this is something you ultimately have to live with and have peace about.
He hasnt stopped following me around all morning pleading his case, then using the girls as a tactic yet again, then talking about the finances. My skin is getting thicker and thicker tho somehow.
I lied and told him I will think about our relationship After the holidays. He's now saying we didn't do the separation right. He Should have moved out and that I was right. Then more promises and begged for more chances.
I won't tell him flat out until after the holidays. But he better keep his distance bc he's wearing me out!
Question - the house is in both our names. He said we'd need to take his name off ( in case I default so he wldnt b responsible - ASS!) then said I'd need to refinance bc I couldn't just remove his name without doing a whole other mortgage. Then whenever i sell, i give him half after i pay the balance on the mortgage. I will check with my attorney but just wondering if anyone knows Is that all true??
It just has no prayer of being amicable as he is all for himself. He will let YOU think it might be amicable, till he has to put something in black and white.
It really doesn't matter if it is true or not, because everything is all about him. He will say something, but what he says has nothing to do with what will be in black and white. Talk to your attorney and listen to what he/she says---of course you could Google if you don't trust the attorney 100%.
Your soon to be ex will try and make everything go his way, of course.
The best of luck.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
I was divorced and we owned a house together. I stayed and he left. Yes, I had to refinance the house into my name. That doesn't have to be done until the divorce is final. At that time, depending on the equity, you can take out a loan to cover the amount that covers his half. Some people make an agreement to settle later, but I wouldn't wait if I were you. I would take care of it as soon as possible. My ex used to walk in whenever he wanted because he said his name was on the house so it was his right. Changing locks would have infuriated him so even though that is what my dad wanted me to do, I was afraid to do it.
I would tell him you will think about things after the holidays but that you don't want to hear another word about it before then. Make him understand that the topic is absolutely off limits for the sake of the kids, since he claims his concern is all about them.
I agree with other posters who wrote that safety is utmost priority over his feelings, the family Christmas, everything. I just read Ilene's post about the woman in Connecticut and it was scary. Sounds like an important time to listen to your gut. If you feel nervous or afraid of what he might do, it's time to make a plan for safety. Your family knows what's going on, they will be okay if Christmas needs to be somewhere other than your house this year. Your husband sounds really desperate, and that is not a good mindset in an abusive person.
Hugs to you, I hope the situation calms down since you told him you were still thinking about things. xx
Decisions bc I don't trust myself bc I'm so beaten down inside.
Mostly, I'm sick over the girls and how they will take all of this, if they will hear family talking and try and come to their own conclusions. They are so so young, innocent and this wld b so very hard for them to grasp and understand - hell - I can barely do it! :(
When u are free and away from this idiot you'll look back and see things u can't now, you'll see that it was the effects of abuse from him and what he's doing to you right now!
Secondly the girls, hon, trust me that you leaving him would be the best thing for them by far! It sounds ignorant but even thou they may be upset they will soon adapt, plus you'll be giving them a stable environment. Yes children are not able to understand relationships etc like we do, they haven't experienced it yet, but they also don't fully understand about the environment they grow up in and how important it is that it's stable. Whilst they don't really fully know what is best for them you do, it's a mother job to worry, to protect, that's perfectly normal and sometimes we need to do things that hurt but ultimately in the long run will give our children a better future.
Once your free you'll also see this clearer. Don't forget, he's making u feel guilty for the kids, using them to hook you so you're going to feel like its a bad decision, but this isn't you, this is his fog that he's placing around your body right now, tricking you, confusing you, making u disoriented and why?... Because this is what abusers do when they see their supply is on the verge of escaping!
You may feel confused, overwhelmed, guilty etc etc but just to clarify for you, those are artificial feelings that you'd normally wouldn't feel randomly, on your own, they are being created by him his games his grips his guilt trips his all over the place attitudes his behaviours and his control.
Shed those feelings that are an illusion, have a break and time to yourself and away from him for a bit and go through how YOU really feel in your head without allowing him to invade it for a while!
Yesterday it was extremely thick.
Today it's quite a bit thinner...
I really like the idea of putting the conversation on hold until after the holidays.