Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
One thing that I keep remembering about being with my ex is that he would say "You always play the victim" The thing is I was never playing I was the victim and he just never will admit that truth. It was part of his crazymaking or gaslighting tactics. A way for him to twist the responsiblity onto me. I hated that about him!
I have worked very hard not to have victim mentality. I became aware of that phenomenon years ago. If anything, this was another case of him trying to pin on my what he himself was actually doing.
I went through this too.
When she'd say this to me I'd ask her, how do you figure? She wouldn't say anything. She didn't really need to I guess. She'd already planted another negative seed and she knew I'd think about it. What a jerk. The last time she did that she said it was my fault when I was married that my wife and I didn't have children. I asked her, how is that my fault? She said it was my fault because I picked my wife - as in chose to marry her. What kind of sense does that make? I'm not a doctor. I can't tell who can have children and who can't.
Somehow, these people live in a fantasy world where they don't cause any pain, it is the fault of the other person for simply being there. Yet, they would complain if you weren't there.
No matter what went wrong, it was because I did something wrong. It was never because she was drunk, or because she demanded the impossible, or because she acted like a child and felt entitled to everything. It was because I was too rigid or naive or was raised too sheltered.
Let them be miserable. That leaves you free to be happy with yourself!
And honestly I never knew what I'd said or done that was so bad that had angered him, probably because I didn't, he was just a very bitter and angry man, so he'd rage over little things and then expect me to be able to read his mind, if I couldn't read his mind, I'd get this verbal assault! Which was worse than the rages!!!!
Sure everyone wants initimacy with a grown man acting like a child
Beaten: When my ex wanted me back he would always tell me it wasn't just him it was both of us and that we dont know how to treat each other sort of similar.
Anyhow thanks for your replies everyone I sort of needed that validation right now!
Shelly: "Abusers love to make you seem like you are the one playing games"
Oh boy do they ever?! Big time!
AZ: About 15 years ago I experienced everything you said except her getting drunk with a woman who was going to be the mother of my only child. Fast forward 15 years and the woman now, like the woman 15 years ago, says there's something wrong with me because: "It was because I was too . . . naive or was raised too sheltered."
You just said what she says . . . word for word. Amazing.
kaz: "expect me to be able to read his mind, if I couldn't read his mind, I'd get this verbal assault! Which was worse than the rages!!!!" I know this all too well. Again, amazing I'm reading my own private hell isn't so private but it's still hell.
bea: "One more thing he did was days of the silent treatment. He moped and sulked like a little child to play victim. He did that to get his way and make me wrong.
Sure everyone wants initimacy with a grown man acting like a child" I get this too. And I'd say something like this too because I couldn't figure it out. Who wants to be with a child?
Thank you so much for starting this conversation, radrm.
Also my ex used to give me the silent treatment all the time. Even when I was trying to talk to him I would get no response then if i said you dont say anything I feel like i'm talking to a wall not a person and he would say thats because you always say the same thing. That is not even an answer that has anything to do with the subject. It was crazymaking crap!! Ewwwwwww i get so mad when I remember this stuff!! I'm going to be working on the index cards today!! Thanks everyone!! This one really gave me a needed boost!
i was a freaking cat locked in a cage trying to get out..
when i see him now...i just shake my head. sad sad sad pathetic...he's 41 and acts 19. He has abused drugs since he was 16 and I am sure his mind has never developed beyond that point.