You are not alone...... I had seen signs with my ex pretty much from the first month we were together, but wanted to believe things would change, the lying would stop, and the mental abuse would stop... he used me bad. Go with your gut intuition, it is usually right.... I know that I will never get answers as to why my ex did what he did, and didnt speak up sooner, I have been trying to cope with it, but it is hard.. i too feel like my soul is destroyed and I may never love again after what had happened. Somewhere inside of me ther is some hope. Are you still involved with the guy or have you decided to leave? You are not alone. I joined this support group just a couplle of weeks ago and have got a huge amount of support and feedback. Hugs to you....

Your feelings are normal, and it takes time to recover. I was like you, and for the longset time tried to rationalize things, explain things, and calm myself by repeating over and over that things would get better and what I experienced was normal and not so bad.

It wasn't until I was away from the cosntant bombardment and confusion about her actions that I finally saw things for what they were - emotional abuse. All the signs were there from the beginning, but all the twists of the relationship had kept me on damage control, and I couldn't "see the forest through the trees." It's pretty clear to me now that she is an emotionally broken individual. She may be capable of functioning on a day to day level, but she is definitely not capable of the emotion and love I would expect from a healthy human being.

I, like you, was a mess for awhile and constanly searched online for answers, doubted myself, and doubted my experiences. It took 3-4 months of being away from her that the confusion really started to lift. Now it's hard for me to remember good things she did for me without associating them with a hurtful or heartbreaking action she said or did at the same time.

It takes time, and that time will be very difficult for awhile.

Kandi......i am leaving , i am just waiting on a 1 bed place to be ready , it could be tomorrow , it could be next week , im just waiting and hoping......lol...
it has taken me all my strength to get this far......we were married for 27 years and i took the vows very seriously....hes about to retire and i feel like im going to ruin that for him but on the other hand the thought of him being at home 24/7 is just too much and my health is suffering too much now....i can hardly get out of bed in a morning let alone do anything else........
plus the fact i am what they call a highly sensitive person so everything he does has a massive effect on me.........
i know theres hope in me too and it will get better once im out.

kevin , thank you for your kind comments.....i know it will take time....its taken me 10 yrs just to get to wanting to leave......lol...

its just so sad now that i know hes just an emotional mess and i cant fix him , but saying that , hes been told often enough to go and fix himself but hes decided to refuse to do so......you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped......even though they can see you literally wasting away before them , thats not love xxx

I know the truth about who and what my ex was and what he does far more than he realizes, now long after the fact and after it's over. I'm no longer looking for clues there's no need now.
I know, period.
I know the whole ugly story.
But still I am having a hard time accepting it of accepting the betrayal.
There is no blowing it, the whole ugly story, out of proportion. It happened. There's no use in trying to candy coat it now.
You'll get there with no longer needing to research and will eventually reach the place of acceptance but the chilling effects of their abuse will remain for a long, long time and the truth about deception, their deception has traumatized us to the point where we are left stunned and our ability to trust, forever marred.

As others have said, it's a stage and it's a worthwhile stage to go through. Eventually, you do want to get to a point where you just accept that it is what it is, but for now it's ok to work through it all.

It will get easier to let go of that false hope/illusion when you are gone.

He hasn't destroyed your soul - he has damaged it. I felt that my ex had ripped out my heart and stomped on it, and absolutely shredded my soul beyond repair. I now realise he damaged both, but he never could destroy me. You are damaged, but not destroyed. Healing IS possible.

The first realization of abuse is really hard to take. When you review your lives together (I was with my H for 17 years) and can think of hundreds of little incidents that you brush under the rug, all of the crap that was probably there from the beginning. It's a lot to digest. Give yourself time, healing is slow and, as I have read here, is not linear. And keep on searching for validation so that you are strong and can't be sucked back in again.

My favorite resources were the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and the website youarenotcrazy.com. And of course, posting and reading on here. Keep on keepin on.

oh gosh, me too. I find myself still going over stuff trying to find reason in everything. Asking myself, is it something I did or didn't do? Maybe I didn't love him enough? Love myself enough? Trying to make excuses for him. Not wanting to believe it never was real. Wanting so bad to make it real. To think I do and did have the control to fix things and maybe if I had done this or that, it would've gotten better. It's making me crazy. We are going to be ok. We are not broken beyond repair. They may be. You're here. You're reaching out. It takes time and time friggin sucks! I hate it. I just want to be ok right now. I want to let go and be free of thoughts about him. wellwishes and hugs

I too went through this stage and its so completely normal. Psychologists lovingly call this the bargaining stage of grief. Its where we try to convince ourselves that this is not really happening, that its fixable, and host of other things. You will move beyond it, I can promise you that. Getting out and into your own place will help with that, but I'm warning you ahead of time, its not going to go away over night. I think many people here can attest to the fact that when you first leave you'll look for a whole new set of reasons why you should've stayed. Just stick around this forum, we'll help you through that, too.

Once you get past the bargaining stage....which you may or may not revisit a time or two along the way, then you'll do some hard core work to heal. Don't give up on yourself. Yes, he has psychologically caused you a great deal of harm. And yes, it has cut you to your soul. But what I can tell you is that your soul is NOT destroyed. If it were, you wouldn't be leaving or even considering it. You'd be a mindless automaton. A body without thought or feeling. Its your soul that is saving you....and its a hell of a lot stronger than you think it is.

Hugs and good luck!

I agree with rainyangel, it does take time, and it does suck. You just want to feel better now, cuz it hurts, and you don't want it to. anymore. Time is the only healer for loss of love, or the loss of the idea of love. coming true. I know now that any thing that is worth something is worth working towards, and waiting for. And it is kind of hard for someone like me. I have a little bit of Attention Defecit issues, but if I really want to heal and find the happiness that i have been starving for , for many years it is the only way. Time, patience, and learning how to care and love yourself unconditionally. It is the only way, because I will not move unto another unhealthy, and emotionally empty relationship, I will know myself, before I ever love again. And if I die trying then it would be better then living in an empty lie. Sorry. A little to passionate about this subject. God give you strength to be true to yourself now.

Wow..when I read this, it describes what I do exactly. You are not alone here. When I google "signs my relationship is dangerous" "signs I am not safe with my bf" is seems clear how bad he is, then I see him do things that are so sweet and thoughtful that none of my friends boyfriends/husbands do for them...I get so confused I do not know what to think. Same as you, I am about to leave as my gut tells me that I am not safe at all..Ive told him this (about leaving) and he will say sweet things that break my heart and attempt to make me feel horrible.. and then turn around and say awful things to me..cursing and saying Im blowing things out of proportion. So..., I spend hours researching..trying to find the right answer. I hope that you are able to get out of any bad situation that you are in and be in a better place. If we are spending this much time researching to try to figure out if someone is bad... that may be the answer itself it seems.