Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've never let anyone in. I've never told anyone, they usually just find out and in the end I still protect her. I have two best friends, one I've known since I was in first grade and the other since 11 years old. I would do anything for them but i don't want to burden them with my issues. I don't want to burden anyone with my issues. I really should be able to handle them, other people have it worse but the more i have to hide the lonlier I feel.
My mom is abusive, but only when she drinks. I know the facts, I know what the signs are but when she's not drunk everything is okay and she always apologizes but they have ceased to mean anything. I just started college and the stress of work and the stress of having to deal with her when she is drunk is driving me insane. she doesn't clean, she doesn't get the youngest of my sibilings off to school and doesn't make the other one sign onto Ecot like he needs to everyday. There is no order when I'm gone and when i get back home I have to restore it. wash the dishes, sweep the floor, clean up any spills that happened, take the dogs out and makes sure the kids get something to eat. After all that it's about ten at night, maybe by then she will have allowed me to put the kids to bed, maybe by eleven I can start on my hundred page readings, my two projects and three essays. maybe by four in the morning I'll get to sleep. Four hours is usually what i get every night. betwen keeping the house from falling apart and my homework i work two jobs. only to come home most nights to her drunk and she hates me when she's drunk.
She mocks me for being too perfect, she curses at me. The younger boys always rush to my defense becasue they like me better than her, they ask me to take them with me if I leave. That's why I can't just leave, they need me. I just don't know how much left i have to give to her.
I spend most of my days tired. I do well in my classes, assuming she passed out in time for me to get some work done. I'm afraid she'll break my laptop if i have it out while she's drunk.
She wants nothing more than to hurt me as best she can when she drinks. I used to think we were close, but i don't think we ever were, i struggled to remember a singke time in my child hood where she was sober but there aren't any, not any that i can recall.
All I wanted when I was a kid was for her to love me like she loved my brothers. So I pout up with her words and her name calling and her drunken bouts.
I just don't have anything left to give her, I don't know how to fix her.
Your mother is projecting her insecurities on to you. She sees in you what she wishes she could be. You must know that you cannot change her. This is something deep within her psyche. She is not even consciously aware of it as she does not feel compassion, or empathy. You get apologies often but they are meant to keep you engaged and to stay. You are right not to believe them any more, they are just empty words.
Do you have any other family members that could help you with the children some times so you can study and rest? Would your Mom allow that? How old are the children?
You mention never letting anyone in. I felt that way too for a long time...that I didn't want to burden my close friends with my drama. But, talking really does help. If not to them, then find someone. A counselor, or maybe friend me, or someone here and feel free to message us whenever you need to vent and release your feelings. I will always have an ear for you. I just asked my therapist the other day why all of I sudden I find myself talking about my issues with my close friends a lot now, she mentioned how therapeutic it is to get these things off of my mind. Also, in doing so, my friends reassure me that I am not crazy and that I am loved by them, and that is what I need in the low times. We all need reassurance some times. We all need to be reminded that we are loved. We all need to speak to someone that won't yell at us, gas light us, or manipulate us. We all need to have healthy conversations.
response so all I'll add is
to underscore that you
CANNOT "fix" her.
If you're in the U.S. or
other developed country
there are social service
agencies that can step
in and support your
siblings. This is a
super-critical time
for you to focus on
your education and
your continued
personal development.
Later in your life,
you'll be in the space
of making your own
family and shouldering
those responsibilities.
Right now is your time
for preparing to become
fully adult in the world,
not just behind the
closed doors of your
dysfunctional family
of origin.
Last of all, please add
counseling to your
schedule. Working
with a qualified therapist
will help you repair
the emotional injuries
inflicted on you by
your mother's dysfunction.
She is not a monster
but she IS seriously
damaged. Her recovery
is HER responsibility.
Recovering from her
neglect and abuse
is now yours. That's
not fair, but that's the
way it is. Please ask
at your college about
the counseling department
and make a visit there.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days
going forward.
It's refreshing to hear you be so real. Honest discussion is healing for me. It helps me, too.
I'm middle-aged now, but I had a similar experience. My Mom no longer drinks, but she still acts like she hates me. She used to apologize, but she doesn't anymore.
I studied meditation, went to therapy, fixed everything I've been able to about myself.
Still not a good relationship with mother or sister I spent so much time and energy trying to be supportive of. Eventually, after the source of the stress -- alcohol and abusive relationship -- were gone, I'd hoped we could have a different relationship.
The only thing that has worked is boundaries and not putting up with abusive behavior. If your siblings are young enough they need your support, you're likely in over your head.
At this point, I have no extended family support. I've spent too much of my life trying to be there for people who could care less. I regret it. I wouldn't recommend it.
After recently reconnecting with mother (and sister), I got quite down. Not helped by having a chronic health issue. Probably, the chronic stress and abusive attitudes precipitated the autoimmune condition.
I wished that I had been adopted. As it is, I've been scapegoated and treated like a step-child. Was even reading about "A child called It", to try to figure out the reasons for being treated so differently.
So, my experience is that situations like this do not get better.
MY OPINION:
If your siblings need you, it's better off you being out of there. Invite them to visit you elsewhere.
Seeing you being abused by her is damaging to them.
You have a lot of good qualities if you want to do right by them. Please don't let the situation run you into the ground. It's not worth it. I doubt they'll appreciate it after being in such a toxic situation. Social services can help deal with the situation, if they're available to you. It's probably not what you want to do, but losing yourself in this helps No One.
I've learned the hard way. Please save yourself so you can be a real help to your brothers.
Even a counselor could help you find a way to improve things for the others.
Only consequences seem to work with addictive behavior. Anything else is usually just codependency and keeps it all going.
Hope the feedback has given you some ideas for ways to begin. Keeping you in my thoughts ....