Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, this incident actually happened over the summer, but it still sticks with me; after all of the incidents over the years--some that were horribly violent and one that even landed me in the hospital, it is kind of strange that this one relatively minor thing sticks so much in my brain for so long. But there you have it.
Anyway, I have been with this man for nearly 18 years (sad but true), lived with him for nearly 14 of those (except for the brief periods I would get away, which never lasted long). In all of that time, he has never once used body wash--always "manly" soap. In fact, at one point I was informed that he was no p**** and would not use body wash. In addition, he is very anal retentive about the shower. In other words, there can be no extra things on the sides of the shower. If there is a razor or shaving cream or shampoo or anything other than his soap, the rest of us have to gather whatever we need before we get in the shower in order to have it. Just a little background....
Anyway, one weekend my nephew stayed with us. When I got home from work that day, I noticed there was a bottle of men's Dial body wash in the shower. I meant to take it out then, but it completely slipped my mind. Surprisingly, he never said anything about it. I forgot about it until 2 days later when I was cleaning the bathroom. I took the body wash at that point and put it under the bathroom sink in the caddy where we keep our bath products. I was a little surprised that I hadn't heard anything about it yet, but figured I would hear it later.
Later that night, after he had gone out and whatnot, he asks me why I moved his body wash. I was surprised and said, "Wow, I didn't know that was yours; when did you decide to join us on the other side and use body wash?" I honestly didn't mean anything by it--was simply curious. His reaction is what sticks in my mind the most. He blew up--literally. Like 0-60 in 2.3 seconds blow up. He was screaming at me that I was an f'ing bitch and on and on. He wasn't 2 he could use body wash if he wanted to. He was tired of being treated like this, and so on. He then left the house after telling me that he was done and throwing my ring at me and snatching mine literally off my finger.
Of course he wanted to talk when he finally came home (probably about 2 AM) , I can't really remember at this point. He proceeded to explain to me why I was wrong for making such a big deal over the body wash! Seriously?! I tried explaining to him that I wasn't the one who made it a big deal; that to me it was perfectly innocent until he made it a big deal with his actions and words. Of course, we all know what trying to explain something to them is like.
Anyway, this incident above all the others has bugged me to no end since it happened. Was this evidence of a guilty conscience I saw? Or was this simply another matter of him wanting to go out and figuring if he picked a huge fight with me over something stupid I wouldn't dare say anything about it? Thoughts?
Anyway, I have been with this man for nearly 18 years (sad but true), lived with him for nearly 14 of those (except for the brief periods I would get away, which never lasted long). In all of that time, he has never once used body wash--always "manly" soap. In fact, at one point I was informed that he was no p**** and would not use body wash. In addition, he is very anal retentive about the shower. In other words, there can be no extra things on the sides of the shower. If there is a razor or shaving cream or shampoo or anything other than his soap, the rest of us have to gather whatever we need before we get in the shower in order to have it. Just a little background....
Anyway, one weekend my nephew stayed with us. When I got home from work that day, I noticed there was a bottle of men's Dial body wash in the shower. I meant to take it out then, but it completely slipped my mind. Surprisingly, he never said anything about it. I forgot about it until 2 days later when I was cleaning the bathroom. I took the body wash at that point and put it under the bathroom sink in the caddy where we keep our bath products. I was a little surprised that I hadn't heard anything about it yet, but figured I would hear it later.
Later that night, after he had gone out and whatnot, he asks me why I moved his body wash. I was surprised and said, "Wow, I didn't know that was yours; when did you decide to join us on the other side and use body wash?" I honestly didn't mean anything by it--was simply curious. His reaction is what sticks in my mind the most. He blew up--literally. Like 0-60 in 2.3 seconds blow up. He was screaming at me that I was an f'ing bitch and on and on. He wasn't 2 he could use body wash if he wanted to. He was tired of being treated like this, and so on. He then left the house after telling me that he was done and throwing my ring at me and snatching mine literally off my finger.
Of course he wanted to talk when he finally came home (probably about 2 AM) , I can't really remember at this point. He proceeded to explain to me why I was wrong for making such a big deal over the body wash! Seriously?! I tried explaining to him that I wasn't the one who made it a big deal; that to me it was perfectly innocent until he made it a big deal with his actions and words. Of course, we all know what trying to explain something to them is like.
Anyway, this incident above all the others has bugged me to no end since it happened. Was this evidence of a guilty conscience I saw? Or was this simply another matter of him wanting to go out and figuring if he picked a huge fight with me over something stupid I wouldn't dare say anything about it? Thoughts?
wholey and soley
an abuser
"doin' his thing."
[1] You moved
something that
he'd designated
to be in that place
[2] Then, you (gently)
teased him about using
it. A non-abuser would
have enjoyed the chuckle.
But ---- he ---- being an
abuser ----- could not
tolerate the irony you
illuminated. In essence. . . .
you (innocently) suggested
that he was a p*****,
something he despises.
He wasn't looking to
pick a fight so he could
flounce out. He was
simply
an abuser
doin' his thing.
My understanding is that abusers feel like they have no internal identify and a poor sense of self, so their identity is formed by their external environment. Their emotions come completely from external stimulus, so in order to feel secure and control their emotions, they most control their external environment. And if something is amiss in that external environment, it is always someone else's fault because to them, their moods and emotions all come from external stimulus as they are mentally incapable of understanding their role in their own emotional state.
Think of a small child who may get upset because his or her tower of blocks fell down when one more piece was added to the top. The child may scream, throw a tantrum, blame his or her sibling for looking at the tower the wrong way, but never understand that the tower's falling had nothing to do with anyone else. Most children eventually learn that behavior is inappropriate and foolish. An abuser never did. They will keep making the same mistake over and over, treating others like crap, and they blaming others for abandoning them, not understanding that their behavior is what drives others away.
Your body wash incident is typical of many such that I too remember because of the sheer unbelievability that someone could make such a huge deal out of something so small.
I found your teasing funny, as any normal person appreciating light non-offensive teasing would! It's typical too that abusers themselves so often 'cannot take a joke' when they accuse us of the same...not that the stuff they dole out could EVER be classified as humorous or non-offensive.
For whatever reason he then decides maybe there is something wrong with him that he's got such strong feelings about this. He's worried perhaps he is a misfit for having such a strong opinion. He actually perhaps looks to you in other things for how he should act??
So in your absence he tries to do something different. You called attention to it and this invoked a strong sense of shame (narcissists in particular have shame issues). The reaction to this shame is why he exploded. He feels like a misfit and is looking for anything that could be construed as a criticism.
Not saying you did anything wrong at all but I am starting to understand my husband a bit better and hearing your story sounds a little familiar to me.
I agree with Ilene! I, too, thought you were funny! I think it stays in your head because it is such a wonderful example of abuse in a nutshell. I have many horrible memories of my ex, yet so many pushed to the back of my mind that they become hard to recall. I don't even remember what they were about, only the horrible feelings that went with them.
The arguements themselves are so irrational and illogical that I can't even follow them in retrospect!