Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Thanks so much for all the feedback I got regarding my sister who is emotionally abused by her husband of 21 years.
She is tormented by the fact that he says such disrespectful things but when she tries to express how his words make her feel, he cuts her off and doesn't let her speak.
What happens in the mind of an abuser that makes him feel that he has the right to lash out but nobody has the right to question his actions or comment on how he makes others feel?
She is tormented by the fact that he says such disrespectful things but when she tries to express how his words make her feel, he cuts her off and doesn't let her speak.
What happens in the mind of an abuser that makes him feel that he has the right to lash out but nobody has the right to question his actions or comment on how he makes others feel?
I had my first abuser call me out of no where and apologize and tell me what he did wasn't right. He couldn't tell me a really reason why he felt it was ok then for him to do it, only that he knew it was wrong. I forgave him. I know longer feel I am vicitmized by, him but if I could get the my other abuser to say he was sorry and answer the questions maybe then I could really start to heal.
Interesting thing about them admitting they are wrong: This is usually another manipulation - ask for forgiveness and expect absolution and to "forget" whatever happened. This ususally plays on the compassionate trait that most abuse victims share - that ability to look past people's faults to love them anyway. An abuser can really take advantage here and this can be a dangerous situation when the victim falls for it.
Another good read, and I suggest it often, is Patricia Evans books "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Verbal Abuse Victims Speak Out." These are good for both victims and their loved ones because they help to explain what has gone on inside our brains while being abused - why we are so frozen and why we simply cannot leave. As an outsider looking in, these books can be a great resource in you being able to understand what goes on inside the minds of both the abuser and those who have been/are being abused.
I joined the anger management community to so that I might gain insight into this awful behavior. The closest I can come to understanding is that they have some kind of system overload and have never been properly nurtured. Therefore, criticism feels inordinately cruel to them. Maybe they BREAK down when someone tells them how bad they are behaving. All I know is, I've yet to really be able to finish when trying to explain to him...
jericabee
These men do it for control. Pure and simple they have a need to control their environment. They feel entitled to abuse people because they think they are always right. I always say my stbx thought that if he said it it was true. He would never let me talk, just yelled over me. The book is incredible, and give some insight into these men, and also into how to deal with them. Lundy Bancroft provided court ordered counseling for many many men convicted of domestic violence. Also, you should be aware that only a very small percentage of men are ever helped by counseling. It is best to just get out of this relationship...the chances are 98% that it will never never change, except to get worse. It's never to late to leave.
Abuse is not about anger - it is about control. Anger Management is a dismal failure for abusers because they are not angry - they are only utilizing an anger type response (yes, they are "acting" angry) to maintain control (i.e. if he acts angry and out of control, you will do anything you can to make him stop).
Some of the brightest and most compassionate people have made the mistake of asking an abused woman what she did to make him angry. Little do they know that this is the WRONG thing to ask, because it implies that the victim has caused the abuse - she caused it by making him angry.... Please, if anyone makes that mistake, use it as a teachable moment. Explain that the rages are a mechanism to gain and maintain control, not generated out of anger.
They will also use whatever works to get a woman emotionally weak. Money and sex are two things they use to make your mind get swirled.
He will sex you up better than anyone you have ever known, and then its on, he will show his behind to the fullest.
This is why I say keep your clothes on until you know exactly what you are dealing with. Abusers NEVER show their behind right away, they are the most loving, charming, friendly, comical, polite, well mannered person you know until he shows his true colors which happens when you develop feelings for him.
Time will show who a person really is. They like to get married real fast too, like in a few months or less, then get mad when you wont comply. He knows once that ring is on the finger he "owns
" you.
God help them and the mothers who raised them.
I spent 14 years trying to work through the abuse after my divorce. Now, I sit here today in stunned amazement as my son let lose on me with the exact words his father used to use strictly because I dared tell him not be abusive to his g/f and my dtr and I in my house.
My new b/f who has been very charming, atractive and loving points out the son's abuse and then turns around the next day and says the same thing to me because I don't want to commit after 3 weeks.
I am sure they aren't all like that, but sure as heck some of them are.
I spent several years trying to figure out why my ex abused me, hated me, raped me, beat me. Want to know what I finally came to several years after I finally got out? I don't give a damn what is in his head. He could explain until he was blue in the face and it is still not going to make sense to me. I just do not think like that and I never will. I do not understand it on any level. The difference now is that I can see it. I couldn't before, which is how I wound up in the relationship in the first place. He saw me coming a mile away. He saw my compassion, my insecurities, my strength, my pride; he saw the perfect alcoholic abuser's wife. He was right. That is exactly what I was. I was strong and silent and beat to hell. I could live through abuse that should have brought me to me knees and then kept silent about it. It took me 5 years to figure out that this isn't how a relationship should work.
Long story short (if it is not too late for that already)...I do not give a damn what is in his mind. I only need to worry about what is in my mind and my ability to recognize his mindset in others and then avoid it like the plague.