Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Terribly dreams last night involving the ex. Won't go into detail. Its strange. I rarely dream of him, and even had that thought last night. Self-fulfilling prophecy, eh?
A few tears when I woke up. And I wanted desperately to change that. Quickly my thoughts changed to anger. How dare he treat me the way he did. How dare he. And he knew exactly what he was doing. After just two weeks of pure meanness, I came home from work one night, grabbed the dog and went to a friend's house. While there I talked on the phone to one of our mutual friends that was at the farm that night. She told me the ex thought that I had left for good as I had taken the dog. He would have no reason to think except for the bad behavior he had exhibited. A few weeks later, after trying to fix things to no avail, he told my friend again that I had "planned" my escape. Again, I had not yet...in fact, hadn't even begun to think that way. My take is his wives both left after experiencing his meanness and he was now fully aware of the risk/chance he was taking by acting this way towards me. But, sadly, that was not enough inspiration for him to change.
You know what...that is his loss. He doesn't deserve me. He didn't deserve his wives. He does not deserve to be loved, cared for and respected by someone special. He has lost that beautiful benefit of living. And he knows it. And he knows there is nothing he can do to fix it. So life for him will be nothing but short-lived relationships, if any.
I'm not going to lie...it still hurts like hell. And the overwhelming fear is still there...that I will be alone. But you know what....that is much better then the alternative I had. He is simply unworthy. And I have little doubt that I would have ended up committed somewhere had I not left.
And for all of this, I am very, very angry. I also realize that I need to express this anger so that it doesn't turn inward. I am prone to depression and I refuse to let him have that power anymore!
Off to therapy and then a horseback ride with my friend. Then more job searching. I can do this. We all can do this. We must. We must strive for a better life, no matter how much it hurts.
A few tears when I woke up. And I wanted desperately to change that. Quickly my thoughts changed to anger. How dare he treat me the way he did. How dare he. And he knew exactly what he was doing. After just two weeks of pure meanness, I came home from work one night, grabbed the dog and went to a friend's house. While there I talked on the phone to one of our mutual friends that was at the farm that night. She told me the ex thought that I had left for good as I had taken the dog. He would have no reason to think except for the bad behavior he had exhibited. A few weeks later, after trying to fix things to no avail, he told my friend again that I had "planned" my escape. Again, I had not yet...in fact, hadn't even begun to think that way. My take is his wives both left after experiencing his meanness and he was now fully aware of the risk/chance he was taking by acting this way towards me. But, sadly, that was not enough inspiration for him to change.
You know what...that is his loss. He doesn't deserve me. He didn't deserve his wives. He does not deserve to be loved, cared for and respected by someone special. He has lost that beautiful benefit of living. And he knows it. And he knows there is nothing he can do to fix it. So life for him will be nothing but short-lived relationships, if any.
I'm not going to lie...it still hurts like hell. And the overwhelming fear is still there...that I will be alone. But you know what....that is much better then the alternative I had. He is simply unworthy. And I have little doubt that I would have ended up committed somewhere had I not left.
And for all of this, I am very, very angry. I also realize that I need to express this anger so that it doesn't turn inward. I am prone to depression and I refuse to let him have that power anymore!
Off to therapy and then a horseback ride with my friend. Then more job searching. I can do this. We all can do this. We must. We must strive for a better life, no matter how much it hurts.
I think it just takes more time till you can emotionally detach.
It is so hard to shake off the anger and hurt and I wish you all the happiness in the world because you deserve to be happy.
I'm so happy you are riding your horse today with your friend!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
You have every right to be angry after the way he treated you. You're finding ways to express it -- maybe the nightmares are a part of that.
I've been having nightmares too lately, including last night. They're not fun, but I like to think dreams and even nightmares are a way for our brains to process what we're going through. And in that sense, they are helpful and part of the journey.
To those new to this site, please make sure you join up with some form of individual counseling or therapy...just for you. Make sure the professional has a background in treating victims of abuse. If after a couple of sessions you don't think they are really getting it or hearing you, look for another. Good therapy, I believe, is an essential to getting back your well-being.
i hope I can turn to angry and then moving forward...
You are doing great!.... even when you don't feel like it.
IMO, I think sometimes when our conscious brains aren't yet aware of something going on inside us -- or just can't handle thinking about something because it;s too painful -- our subconscious uses dreams and nightmares to help figure things out.
Something I just remembered -- in the past, whenever I really felt like I wanted to have a good, comforting, healing dream to give me strength, I would ask for that before going to sleep. Hoping it would trigger some "nice dream" switch in my brain. Sometimes I even asked out loud, hoping someone on the other side would hear me and help me have a nice dream. Crazy huh? But it has worked a few times. Not all the time, but still. I think I'll give that a try tonight.
But again you are right...the one incident probably was the most hurtful of all. For some reason I needed it to present again so that maybe this time it would make a shift in my thinking. It did do just that. While it was extremely unpleasant the first go around and again last night in my sleep, I am thankful. The mind DOES work in mysterious ways. If we listen, it may just be to our advantage.