Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex wasn't that abusive.
It's that I was uniquely vulnerable to what she did.
I literally cannot be shouted at without dissociating part or all of the way away. I have a very hard time staying present when any sort of emotional abuse is unleashed on me.
I sort of have DID light, that is I have alters but we're not completely separate... At one point we were though so it's muddled.
So emotional abuse sort of scrambles my brain so badly, I can't remember what was said.
When I was with my wife I would just remember I must have done something wrong, so I went off and cut...
I don't mention the cutting much because I don't care... My stomach is totally covered in razor scars, so it doesn't matter to me that I still cut, you know? So long as I don't need to go get sewn, that would be very annoying.
So I always wanted to really get close to someone, and I picked her...probably an unconscious looking for confirmation tthat the people who love you are the ones who destroy you. She didn't destroy me, I suppose. I almost offed myself, but...jeez, that's typical. I have severe depression too, so it's a good week when the thought of killing myself doesn't occur.
It's not so much that I want to get better, it's that I want to be able to live by myself and not go insane. This is difficult.
So glad I never had children though.
It's that I was uniquely vulnerable to what she did.
I literally cannot be shouted at without dissociating part or all of the way away. I have a very hard time staying present when any sort of emotional abuse is unleashed on me.
I sort of have DID light, that is I have alters but we're not completely separate... At one point we were though so it's muddled.
So emotional abuse sort of scrambles my brain so badly, I can't remember what was said.
When I was with my wife I would just remember I must have done something wrong, so I went off and cut...
I don't mention the cutting much because I don't care... My stomach is totally covered in razor scars, so it doesn't matter to me that I still cut, you know? So long as I don't need to go get sewn, that would be very annoying.
So I always wanted to really get close to someone, and I picked her...probably an unconscious looking for confirmation tthat the people who love you are the ones who destroy you. She didn't destroy me, I suppose. I almost offed myself, but...jeez, that's typical. I have severe depression too, so it's a good week when the thought of killing myself doesn't occur.
It's not so much that I want to get better, it's that I want to be able to live by myself and not go insane. This is difficult.
So glad I never had children though.
Therapy would help move you toward a healthy lifestyle....one without cutting. My daughter needed to deal with her past in order to have a healthy future. You shouldn't have to live this way and there is help out there. Believe me, one day you will not like looking at the scars on your body. My daughter doesn't. It reminds her of a very difficult time in her life. She's not totally out of the woods yet, but she is no longer cutting, and that's a huge step forward!
I am happy that she is your "ex" and that you're out of that situation. I think her abuse may have a lot to do with your current depression, kind of like she left a big dark cloud trailing behind her and you're stuck in it. I encourage you to seek help for your depression. There are a lot of ways if therapy isn't your thing (although it is helpful) such as excercise, diet, yoga, support groups (like here), and even medication that can help some of the biochemical things occurring in your brain. (I speak this as a current student on her way to being a mental health counselor). The DID is harder to treat but it can be treated. I feel horrible that you have so much to deal with, but I am sensing that you are a kind and caring person and (although it sucks now) that will take you far one day. You deserve all good things!
Therapy's down to every other week due to $$$
It's funny, first I started finding alters, then I found out my alters hated my wife...
O.o
The people in my head can often be right. Not always. But often.
" I think her abuse may have a lot to do with your current depression, kind of like she left a big dark cloud trailing behind her and you're stuck in it. "
Exactly why I started posting over here.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to work out about the whole thing, I just know I seem really stuck again, and I want to get unstuck.
"Cutting is not a healthy way to deal with emotional turmoil."
*Sigh* It isn't. At 41 though, nobody really wants to look at my gelatinous stomach anyway.
I had quit prior to living with the ex.
..I have always craved closeness. The thing I learned with the ex is that when I *love* someone, I have no real defenses against them emotionally abusing me.
This means I have to anticipate that I'm going to be living alone for the rest of my life. Not saying I won't have friends, family, and romantic interests, but living together with a *partner*?
No.
I have to learn how to live by myself and not go insane with loneliness.
Unfortunately, going insane isn't a long trip for me, I don't have to fill the tank, yanno?