Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am two days, 21 hours, 16 minutes no contact. Every morning I wake up with my index cards and I pull a new fresh reason of the day to be no contact. In a sense I honor that reason... Does that make any sense? I read the incident, remember what happened in detail and how it felt and how helpless I was at the time. I write that reason on my hand and I say to myself .... for this one reason, stand alone,all by itself, he doesn't deserve to communicate with me today. I am too good for him and his lousy, stinking words.
He pulled me back in around Christmas time. This sure seems like a common theme. The first day of No Contact was initiated by him in the form of silent treatment. My punishment, right? By the second day of suffering, the fog began to lift just a little bit. Now I am approaching the third day and here it is again.... less foggy and feeling stronger and feeling better.
For me, nothing good comes from contact. Ever. For almost three years it is ALL been bad. That is very unlikely to change so for now... I truly commit to no contact for six weeks. I have never done that before. The longest has been about 12 days.
This feels a little bit rambly and unfocused and even a little chaotic but underneath it is me feeling better. Independent and strong.
He pulled me back in around Christmas time. This sure seems like a common theme. The first day of No Contact was initiated by him in the form of silent treatment. My punishment, right? By the second day of suffering, the fog began to lift just a little bit. Now I am approaching the third day and here it is again.... less foggy and feeling stronger and feeling better.
For me, nothing good comes from contact. Ever. For almost three years it is ALL been bad. That is very unlikely to change so for now... I truly commit to no contact for six weeks. I have never done that before. The longest has been about 12 days.
This feels a little bit rambly and unfocused and even a little chaotic but underneath it is me feeling better. Independent and strong.
You can maintain no contact, I believe in you. Surround yourself with family and friends, eat right, and exercise. You will feel so much better once you're not in contact with him.
a plan and strategies to
manage, moment to
moment.
With every moment no contact
you will grow stronger.
Here's a strategy for the
in between moments:
lKeep generating more cards!
Think about holidays. Think
about special days. Think
about patterns and categories.
Play music that brings back
memories. Think about
things, times and places
that were important to you.
Think about the ordinary
times. Think about days
and nights that seemed
"normal" and were
suddenly chaotic
and painful.
Generate more cards.
And yes. . . .
use your past victories.
What helped you be
strong?
And always, always
ALWAYS
practice self-care.
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for strength
and clarity.
I like Ilene's idea too about reflecting on different things to remind us of things we may have forgotten or minimized. I know as time goes on, things I either forgot or didn't realize or I justified/explained away continue to crop up in my memory. Maybe you find this to be true too.
You deserve this for yourself!!
I took a long drive today. That helps me so much. That is why I love my commute to work. It is therapy twice a day for free. I just talk out loud mostly to myself, sometimes to him, sometimes I sing and wail to the moon and back. Today I did it all.
I also did a timeline of events for my therapist. It is was so incredibly enlightening for me. It makes so much sense seeing it all on paper. He isn't better at all. He is still an alcoholic and still abusive. It hasn't changed in the three days since we last spoke. ha. It likely won't change tomorrow. So, yes, NC will continue and continue.
I did a guided meditation today. I took away from it a powerful message. "What is going on right now? Can I accept it?" Well, for me, I am grieving right now. Hard and strong and true grief. I can accept that.
NC 3 days, 3 hours, and 49 minutes
I do that only not so intentionally. But when I think of what a show off he is now with his new girlfriend (and yeah, we are not divorced yet) and how I wanted that same attention (even though I didn't realize at the time it was fake) I remember some of the times he took my breath away with his lack of caring and downright abuse. When I holiday comes and I feel alone I remember how alone AND abused I felt before. I miss my fantasy but not reality!
Keep up the great work!!
((hugs to you ))
I know that if I contacted him it would be a mistake. I just recognize now that waking from dreams is another potential trigger to pay attention to.
And also another perfect moment
to pull out the stack of Clarifying
Index Cards and peruse them
for however long it takes to
put the misty memories
in their proper place!
Seriously, this thread has saved me. I can't tell you peeps enough just how helpful you are. I go back and reread your words until the hurt passes.
Today I took one of my cards. I happened upon one of the most painful things he had done in his drunken idiotic state and I sort of meditated on it. I told the story, out loud, to the walls from beginning to end and relived it. Oh, my. It is deal breaker type story. My daughter needed him and he wasn't there for her. Presented himself as a total ***** and was the opposite of loving, caring father. To this day, he says it is a story I made up and it never happened. Oh, it happened and for today I will honor that memory and we will not be in communication at all.
It is my deepest wish to continue NC for a lot lot longer and you guys are truly helping me get there. I cannot thank you enough.
3 days, 18 hours, 59 minutes NC