Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Lately I've started noticing that I'm slowly turning into my mom. It's the way I react when my little brother makes me mad. Yesterday he was being disrespectful and I smacked him with a fuzzy glove in the face (not hard). My mom then called me a hypocrite and said it was because I treat my brother how I have been complaining and telling people about. and I started thinking. Am I? Am I really a hypocrite?
Abuse victims tend to mimic the abusers, at least until they see what's going on and learn to live differently.
My STBX yells at my kids, and I have caught myself saying the same things because of listening to her. But I've learned to pause and decide what I want to say instead.
If you're seeing yourself reflecting her behaviors that is a good thing and means you are self aware and can deal with it! Way to go!!!
YOU get to decide how you want to treat others, not her!
Hugs and support
BUT and this is a HUGE BUT... there is a difference between those of us here and the abusers! The difference is we recognize our behavior and that something is just not right. We usually can't quite put our finger on what it is, but we know is wrong and we tend to realize when we start acting that way.
AND, if we grow up in that toxicity, we tend to marry similar toxicity. So you are way ahead of the game, violet, because you recognize what's going on and you are asking questions.
What is happening is that you are unconsciously ADAPTING to the abuse and trying to survive! When we try to survive in a toxic environment, our behavior is usually dysfunctional/unhealthy. That's because we haven't been taught healthy coping skills and we don't good role models, so we do whatever we can to survive that moment. This isn't about saying how bad we are when we adopt a toxic/abusive behavior. Its about being grateful that we survived and wanting to do better and then taking the appropriate action to get/do better.
Once we realize what's happening, we have a choice to either take or not take action to learn, correct, grow and heal ourselves.
And, in the end, we are each ONLY responsible & accountable for our own actions.
That is why we keep urging you to see a qualified therapist. I am not intending to harp on this sweetie, only explaining that it's really hard to change what we learn from toxic abusive people until we move away and outside of the toxic environment AND get help from someone who specializes in recovery from abuse.
So to answer your question, no you aren't a hypocrite. You are doing the best you can to survive and pretty awful environment. And you recognizing that you are learning unhealthy behavior, is the first step that separates you from an abuser. The second step is to reach out to a qualified abuse recovery therapist to begin your healing.
i don't think you did anything wrong.
gotta teach people to respect your personal space.
Through no fault of your own,
your "home" is a
toxic waste dump.
The longer you stay,
the more and more
you'll be affected by
the toxicity.
If you can't leave in
the immediate future,
there are other actions
you can take, to attempt
to counteract the toxicity
(and all your multiple
fears).
Unlike an apple,
you havve LEGS.
The fact that you are aware of it and are here asking advice to change is a good thing. It shows you are capable of acting differently than your mom.
What I said was
there are other
ACTIONS you
can take to
counteract
the toxicity.
In my opinion,
(since you're
not in an emotional
place where you can
reach out to social
services) --- the best
action you can take
to counteract your
parents' toxicity on
your psyche and
behavior patterns
is to connect with a
qualified therapist,
for your own healing
and recovery . . . .
particularly considering
that you are dealing the
compulsion to cut.
Re: your apple/tree metaphor:
Like apples, we have
genetic predispositions.
Unlike apples, we have
more resources than
just rotting and planting
our seeds in the spot
we fell, under the branches
of our parent tree.
Unlike apples, we have
legs to walk away. . . .
as far away as we choose.
And even better than just
having legs, we have brains.
We have an intellect with which
to problem solve, to incorporate
new ideas, to make decisions,
to actualize visions, to choose
one course of action over another.
An intellect can be a mighty resource,
and I know that yours is exceptional!
And as to what choices you have:
Your an adult. You have
a world of choices open
to you now, that you didn't
before your 18th birthday.
One choice I hope you'll
seriously consider is to
make some phone calls
and find a therapist with
whom you begin to work
to ensure that you don't
continue to self-harm
and who will help guide
you in a direction of
health and well-being.
go back and re-read it if you need to...you really do have options...
Facing change
is scary.
Sometimes change
can yield something
better.