For starters, the boyfriend's mother is calling your sister a liar for what, exactly? For not telling a perfect stranger that her husband is an abuser? She quite simple says that what goes on behind closed doors is no one elses business.

Having said that, did your sister get any clarity from this situation? Did she start to see that others really do see through her act and his abuse is now extending beyond his little family unit? I really would think that the attack on the boyfriend was really aimed at abusing the daughter, the boyfriend just got in the way. But now it's out there for all the world to see. Your sister is being abused and now someone else knows about it. She can't hide it anymore because her abusive husband has effectively dropped his pants to a stranger.

A mother, who is naturally protective can find herself in the precarious situation of being afraid to break up the 'dream' of a happy family, loosing her children, or not knowing is she will be able to cope on her own without the abuser there. The feelings and emotions as to why someone doesn't leave is different for each situation

Nobody can tell her when and if she should leave. That is a choice only she can make in her own time. Have you talked to her privatly? Does she confide in you?

My sister is so humiliated that another family knows. She is ashamed to go out in town. I don't know what to tell her. She's worried that she'll run into the boyfriends mother.

It is a person's right to share or not share as they feel fit. This should be respected or you are intrusive and controlling. It would make me personally see red if someone told me I should talk and/or do what they say I should.

At the same time you have a right to say some things, I hope respectfully and caringly, like "I've been hearing bad stories about your H. Can I help?" If she says no, then you back off and just tell her you are there for her if she wants to turn to you.

People do not always see the same thing in the same way and that is how it goes.

Your sister is now doing what every single one of us have done. She is blaming herself for his actions. In her mind this is all her fault. She's wrong, but that's what she thinks. And just to reinforce it the boyfriend's mother just blamed her too. That is called "victim blaming". Apparently even the boyfriend's mother doesn't want to deal with your abusive brother in law. Your sister can go anywhere she damn well pleases with her head held high. She is not at fault for this, her abusive husband is.

Is she moving ahead with her plan to get away from him? This episode may well have sped up that process so you might want to ask her just where she is on the timeline. I know that originally she was considering escaping in two years. Right now she might be considering next week. Offer support and assistance as she requires it, but don't push. She will do what she needs to do when she needs to do it.

I don't think she blames herself for his actions. I know she is disgusted and embarrasseed by his behavior.

Just what is it she has to be embarrassed and humiliated and ashamed (all words you used to describe her reaction) about exactly? She has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. That is what I mean. She is embarrassed because of what *he* did, and that response is her blaming herself for how he acted.

My sister says that she is embarrassed for it to be known that her husband acts this way. She carries herself and is an upstanding citizen and a really good, kind person...and she genuinely is this way. She feels that his behavior is a bad reflection of her...that people thought that they had a "normal, healthy, respectful" home, and now the truth is out. What she has tried to hide from the world has been exposed and she feels less good about herself because of it.

My sister is so afraid of running into the boyfriend's mother that she goes to another area to do her shopping. She can no longer hold her head up high in her own community.

They are all right! When I was in my verbally abusive marriage I didnt know it. I was so focused on being the wife I thought I was supposed to be because he told me so. I never felt like I didn anything right, as she may not think so. She may be thinking more about keeping her family together because that is what she is programmedd to do. Looking at it from our side of the pendulum I can see why ahe would want to hide it behind closed doors, especially if she knows deep down things arent right. It is embarrassing and she thinks people will view her as wrong for staying in the relationship the way it is. And all she wants to do is protect her family. And this is how she thinks she has to do it. Also with an abuser they isolate their victims too and this also keeps them from realising the abuse and from others seeing it too. And now that it is in the open she wants to hide it even more for many reasons. One she feels she has to keep her family together and two her husband may be more controlling after letting his guard down and letting the abuse escape the family.

Basically, as I see it, she is not thinking straight to feel bad about herself because of what other people say and do. That is to do with them. She should be ashamed if SHE has something to be ashamed of. And even then she can put what she did wrong behind her and try to try better next time. But I can't see that she has anything to be ashamed of. People tend to like a good public image though.

I know we can get bad reactions from people because of how they view something. That is what happens. You can't please everyone and some people are pushy, loudmouthed and vicious. That isn't nice but it doesn't make us bad; it is about THEM. To call someone a "liar" is not nice and it is abusive and judgmental.

Why should she go to another place to shop? Is the other woman going to attack her and injure her? She can just ignore her or even just say a polite "Hello" and walk on. But if she feels she needs to go elsewhere to avoid the woman, it is her right to do this. It is her life. She will have her reasons. I myself have stopped going somewhere because unpleasant people are there; I have just not wanted them in my life and stressing me.

She should hold her head up. If she doesn't like how her husband is, maybe she could consider divorcing him or do something about it if she can. But that is up to her.

If she really wants her life to look good, well good luck to her. But with an abusive husband and father, the pain won't go away; the kids will suffer; and sometimes people will know or suspect. Sometimes she won't be able to cover things up (did she deny her husband called the daughter's buyfriend "a piece of SH**" ? ). So she gets to wear the consequences. Life has consequences. It can be tough. Sometimes we just can't manage to pull off the image we are trying to create. But I think whether she speaks out about the truth about her husband is her decision and she should be respected about this. You don't have to take responsibility for her choices.

"When I was in my verbally abusive marriage I didnt know it. I was so focused on being the wife I thought I was supposed to be because he told me so." Thanks - this sums up my abusive relationship too. It took 12 years to find out that there was an alternative. So it may be that your sister has not actually recognised there is a desparate "hideous" side to the relationship, even though she is not happy.

Therefore she will likely blame herself....

But - the other thing is that we hide it subconsciously from ourselves. If we admit it to ourself that things are not right, it starts an avalanche of changes that then HAVE to be made because by admitting one thing is not right makes us admit a lot is not right - in fact it has gone over the boundary.

When the worm turns, boy does it turn, and it does not turn back - somehow it cannot.

So - this boyfriend's mother has pinpointed and shone the flashlight on the situation. What does she do? Ignore her, and avoid like crazy? Or bravely say, "Ok - everything is sh*t and I am slipping over the boundary that say I cannot stay in this place."

And that has consequences -
- does she work, can she support the kids
- does she have relatives to go to with the kids
- he will no doubt demand the kids stay with him
- if so can she fight this - has she enough money to? Or will she end up with no kids, and he in an abusing situation with them without her as protectress

I left my kids with my husband - but was only 3 miles away, staying at my parents, I got training and a job which led to another form of hellishness (then quit and got a nice job). Ex-husband had verbally and manipulatively abused me for 12 years but left the kids alone - but from then on, the eldest got verbal abuse.

Daughter left him,...1st son left him... and I think it has dawned on him that 2nd son will be on his way unless he treats him well.

But all this took 8 years to "fix". It was worth it, but it was hard.

It is a lot to ask of your sister. But with family to support, a home to go to - even as temporary lodgings, financial support if necessary then it is more feasible than if she thinks she is alone.

She did not deny that her husband called the boyfriend a piece os sh**. Actually, she had been friends with the boyfriends mother and not only admitted it, but told her that she felt what her husband said was despicable and was totally unacceptable.

I think what happened was that my sister tried to keep from the boyfriends mother (and everyone else too) that her family wasn't built on respect. Although my sister is unwavering in how she is respectful, this incident showed the boyfriends mother how the husband really is...and my sister is extremely ashamed of her husbands behavior which is so different from how she is and how she wishes things were.