I have similar delayed responses. I remember being bullied in my youth, did nothing about it, didn't really hold anger, and just went home and basically shook it off. It was the same way with my abusive ex. She would say insulting things to me. But I would not get angry or really upset, instead I would take hours or days thinking about why she said or did certain things to me, and then finally getting upset, when I was at work or something when I wasn't with her. I think she wanted me to be angry and have a response, but I didn't, and I think that made her more upset with me. I am having similar issues with the woman I am with now. I think she expects me to be angry about things, but I am not. My natural reaction is to try and understand, and have a calm and rational response. And that freaks her out. I do get upset, and a little angry, but I never express that to her. I process it myself internally, and try to be positive.

Hi HopeandJoy,

I am so sorry you were treated this way. It was highly inappropriate, abusive and unprofessional. However, I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Most people would be shocked and wouldn't know how to react in such a situation. It was unexpected. You have taken this class many times before and never been treated this way. You were in shock!

The most important thing is what you do from here on out. You have to find a solution that works for you and makes you feel good about yourself. You have to do something that makes you feel like you can take care of you... To slowly build up trust and inner self-reliance. Perhaps you can talk to the instuctor directly and tell them that they took it too far? Or talk to the management and have them agree to keep the source of the complaint anonymous? You were not the only person in the class, and I am sure you were not the only person who felt the instructor's actions were inappropriate. Just do something, anything, that makes you feel like you stood up for yourself!

Hang in there! :)

I have to point out that there is no such thing as half abusive and half physical, this teacher has assaulted you, and there is no difference between bullying and abuse, it's all abuse!!

The reason as to why u didn't react in the way u think u should have is because u have been in shock.

Classic abusive tactic is to shock the victim. Why do u think abusive people rely upon this tactic? One thing I know is that abusive people can not take responsibility for anything, so this tactic of shock helps them to get away with the abusive outburst and they don't have to take responsibility. Because they shock u into delayed reactions not to mention their (the abusers) position of power which also keeps u quiet on the basis of consequences of change for yourself (victim of abusive outburst)

You reacted predictably that's all. The difference is this, you do have the right and the power to still do something about it.

In my opinion the class for u is ruined now because you won't feel at ease there. You would be best to find another class even if you have to go else where!

Not only that but you would also be in the right to report this either to an authoritative figure at the gym (if there is one) or /and the police!

This is what u can do to react, it doesn't matter whether or not it happened days ago, what's important is that u do this for yourself!

I'm so sorry you were
mistreated that way!

Here's a possible response
to the kind of attack you described.
I'm not saying it's the ultimate
answer. . . . just a response
between a counter-attack and
being frozen.

Say to them:

Why are you doing this?


It's what you're thinking. . . right?
And the attacker isn't expecting a
question. (They're expecting you
to be shocked and frozen.) So it
puts them off balance, at least for
a couple seconds. Those couple
seconds give YOU the opportunity
to turn and leave the vicinity of the
attack. That may not be the ultimate
answer but it's better than being
uttlerly frozen.

Also, might there not be some
kind of alternative to this particular
class? I'm a gym rat also. I've been
working out almost daily for most of
my adult life. So I understand how
beneficial physical work-outs are.
Is this the only place or the only
way you can get the health benefits
you've come to enjoy? A class taught
by a toxic violator ultimately cancels
out the other benefits. Abuse in any
venue, is bad for your health. Isn't
if possible that there might be another
option?

A few comments.
First...sorry this happened to you. It sound so upsetting on many levels.
Second, you did at least say not to touch you so you did do something important.
Third, I respond to bullying like a deer in the headlights as well. Jaw drops....like huh? I know this is from childhood and I am seeing a counselor so I can strengthen my boundaries and my voice.
Sounds like you want to do more...report it perhaps? You definately should.
Best to you...

Yes. I agree.

Report it!!!!!!!!!

I agree as well about reporting it !

Thank you everybody so much for your overwhelming support. :) It means so much to me. I am quite alone, and one really feels like that when you go through something like this, as that's when you really need support, and feedback. So thank you so much!! I had the same thoughts as I went over and began to recover from the incident, throughout the day. I went over my options: speaking to her about it, not sheepishly but firmly, and trying out the class again; reporting it; and/or switching gyms. However, I do feel as one of you said that the space is ruined for me, I don't feel safe there anymore. I feel terrible and untrusting and would be constantly on guard for her criticism and being passive aggressive. So I think that only leaves me with the option of reporting and it and not going anymore. I've been really depressed since it happened. I actually was going to that class almost EVERY MORNING, and it made a HUGE difference with my health and ability to function, as well as being a great start to my day. She was in fact the ONLY teacher, at this gym, of that type of gym class, which is the type that is deeply beneficial for my body pain. And this is a remarkably cheap gym. I actually really don't think there any gyms in the area that come close to being this cheap that offer classes. I will have to double-check about that, but this my terrible bind now. :( As my physical, emotional, and mental health take a nose dive without it, esp. losing it under those circumstances, and facing the low chances of being able to find another situation that is affordable. :/ Stupid abuse..

I've noticed that when I've had a bad experience and I'm triggered I too become down and depressed and when that happens all feels hopeless, I never used to feel this way I just think that when it comes to our experiences we are more vulnerable to knock backs and it seems to hit you harder every time! I don't know about you but I'm sick and tired of it all.

For me something clicked the other day and I've felt better since! I realised that I really don't want to just accept bad treatment from others and that I have every right on this planet to not do!

All I can offer u is a way to look at what you have gained rather than lost in this experience.

You've stood up for yourself, not every single person is a person who is auto reactive, there has been something that I delt with recently, I could have had a right go at someone for the crap treatment they gave me and I would have has every right in doing so, but I didn't! Instead I quietly walked away and refuses to reply back to this person and it felt better doing it this way!

When I split with my abusive ex I had little choice but to react, I was constantly pushed until I got upset and frustrated and this was part of his game! Even at the end I reacted and I told him what I thought of him etc....I don't think there is anything wrong with this because it was the end of my tether!

But the next time I was abuses I just peacefully put up that boundary in my own time (even thou I didn't want to HAVE to) I didn't want to run, jump or skip but I just wanted to walk at a comfortable and in control pace!

What I see your doing is the same walking away slowly, and with that like me you will learn the benefits of saying "no thank you very much but stick that mal treatment up your royal backside"

You may not see it now but yes arranging another place to go and
Paying more is a pain but walking away from abusive idiots is worth it.

And if anything, you're doing more for your well being by walking away from this abusive bitch than you'd ever do in her class!

Work out classes are good for your health for what ever reason but being physically abused by the teacher will knock your self esteem, confidence and all the hard work you've put in over the weeks/months is compromised by one egotistical idiot. Her class sounds shit because she's a shit teacher, she only shown her true colours now that's all

Kazb, I really appreciate your deeply supportive response. It means a lot to me, at this time. :) *hugs*
I wanted to ask you about what you said about shock being a classic abuse tactic. I had never heard that (I don't necessarily have an in-depth knowledge of their tactics, etc.) I would really love to know anything more about that that you know! Because I think being shocked was, and still is, one of the most harmful elements of this and many abusive experiences. In this case, I was in the class for a couple months and though I could sense she had issues with control and wasn't that genuine/kind a person, I had no reason to believe she was capable of anything like this. It came COMPLETELY out of the blue, like I say, with no prior indication. So the shock is so intense when it is happening and also in retrospect, and really impedes recovery. It's like I'm in so much disbelief, I repress it a lot, have a hard time making sense of it, and have a hard time healing. (And that reminds me of some other disturbing experiences/elements I've experienced in relationships as well.)

Your welcome and to answer your question I will use my experience as an example.

My ex's biggest tactic was shock. He would flip from Jekyll and Hyde in an instant and then back again! It's like he had an urge to just react or say something that was so abusive that it left me in shock because it was so out of the blue. I was never ready for it. This is why I have been suffering from PTSD, because it was all these traumatic shocking episodes here there and everywhere!

I will tell u a story.

I once had an ovulation test done because the doctor suspected I had fertility problems (which I have) the problem I have is a blocked tube on my left side which means I ovulate only every other months from my right tube. So I eventually got a letter throu the post and it said something along the lines of

"Unfortunately your are not ovulating at this moment in time, we will send you to the infertility clinic for further investigation"

At the time I received this letter didn't know about the one blocked tube and the one working tube, they had only tested me the once and it must have been on the cycle of the left tube so the test came back negative!

So when I got that letter all I heard from it was "you can't have kids" (this was before I had my daughter)

I was devistated! All I needed was to see allan and for him to cuddle me and support me. So that night I picked him up and we went for a drive in my car and I told him about the letter and I showed him the letter. He took off one pair of glasses and places them on the dash board of the car in front of him as he put in his other glasses he got from his inside pocket so he could read the letter.

As he was reading it I turned a corner with the car and his other glasses slid off and onto the floor where his feet where.

We parked up eventually near some fields to talk about my letter and he got out the car and started to feel around for his glasses. He then said "put the light on for me" to which I said "aww do I have to? Can you not just feel for your glasses?"

The reason I asked this was because I have a terrible phobia of flies, anything that is a creepy crawly and flies! And it was the season of daddy long legs and moths and they would be attracted to the light and there were lots of them because of the fields.

Now i said it in a nice voice and it was mote like a pleaded request from me than anything else, i certainly didnt demand he donthis, i asked and normally his usual self would feel for his glasses because he understood that I was scared of flies flying into the car.

All of a sudden he mumbled something sternly, jumped back into the car and slammed my car door so hard that it made me jump!

I asked what was wrong he shout back "no fucker EVER does anything for ME. Everyone asks me to do everything for them but when I ask for something no one wants to know!!!!!!"

I was shocked already and couldn't believe he was acting like this after the deviating news I had just received.

So I say to him that I thought he was out of order to be like that over a pair of glasses and that I had got the letter and was upset and then he started to open my car door in an aggressive way and stormed off mumbling again (storming off was such a regular thing).

So I shouted to him "your not really going to do this to me are you after my bad day?" And he come storming back as if I had dragged him back.

He got in the car reached down in the dark picked up his glasses and threw them on the dashboard!

Then as I explained that I was more concerned about my bad news that day than his glasses he was like "so my glasses are insignificant to your letter then? I need them to see and if I can't see I have a panic attack!!" Which was a lie because he sometimes wore them and sometimes didn't.

The rest of the evening was spent on him expressing how important his glasses were and eventually I remember sitting there in disbelief at the conversation in light of my devistating news which at the time was out of the blue and increadbily irrational that it little literally stunned me. I ended up going into shock that night, I remember zoning out and I just sat there saying things like "I didn't know your glasses were that important I'm sorry". I was numb! I had left the building, I was in shock!

His explanation of his actions were "I handles the situation badly, I couldn't handle the news of you not being able to have children, it hurt me!!!"

There are so many more times he would say or do things out of the blue.

Many times prior to this letter, he would give me his full support on things, so it gave me a false sense of security thinking that I could get some support again regarding this letter and when he reacted the way he did it was confusing and unexpected!

There has been a thread on here about noticing red flags and at the time I didn't see it as a red flag but now I do.

He was telling me about an argument he has just had with a local bully. He described a man who was a big man and that he stood up to him etc.... Now my ex was no softy so it was believable....anyway the point is what he said next

"I do things to shock people me, see how far I can push them. You get to know their weaknesses then"

I just thought he meant other men that he kicked off with, he was also a security guard and would frequently have to deal with theives so I also thought he meant those times.

I was 19 years old at the time, he would have been 43/44 years old and at 19 I turned around and said "you shouldn't do that allan, it's manipulative and you shouldn't manipulate people it's not right, you should just ignore idiots like that man and if you have to deal with any criminals at work then just do your job but don't push them and shock them, they are not worth the effort they are all idiots!"

So u see he KNEW what he was and he purposely uses the shock tactic, little did I know he meant he used it on EVERYONE and I'd be his regular target!