Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Met my wife last night. Everyone I know was busy, and I was ffeling very lonely and isolated, and she asked how things were going, and if I was planning to come over to spend some time with her as we had arranged. I told her, no, that I was feeling really down, lonely, and isolated. She proposed that we meet at the store and do a bit of grocery shopping. Neutral territory. I needed to get out of my space, so I accepted.
She was kind. She was warm. She was understanding and fun, and let me go my own way without complaint. But I recognize that all we did was talk surface stuff, and that it's been a long, hellish time since the last time we had a marriage session where we went deep, and the claws came out.
I'm reviewing my index cards. They're there. They're painful. But I've told her about all of them. I'm trying to keep in mind - without slipping into a panic attack - that the deeper issues are still very much there, and she has shown no interest in fixing them.
It's so hard, though. She doesn't quite fit the same profile. Her normal setting is warm and pleasant. She loves me. I know it. As in, the good kind of love. Warm and supporting. But she fears me more. Fears my ideas, fears me disobeying her, fears me doing something she doesn't want. Fears not getting her way. But as long as I heel at her side, she is as warm and loving a person as I could ever hope to find.
I can have my house, and my kids, and my wife back any time I like. i just have to obey. It's not like her plans are bad ones, or evil. It's just that mine... don't count. Can't count. I'm kind of envious of those of you who ran and got all the way out while the need was still there. I have no driving need to push me the rest of the way out the door. If I file for divorce after a fight, I'll be punishing her and reacting from anger. If I file when things are good, it'll confuse the hell out of everyone I know, including her. If I don't file, I'm still stuck, waiting for her. Or I could move back home and obey.
This sucks. (Pardon my french)
She was kind. She was warm. She was understanding and fun, and let me go my own way without complaint. But I recognize that all we did was talk surface stuff, and that it's been a long, hellish time since the last time we had a marriage session where we went deep, and the claws came out.
I'm reviewing my index cards. They're there. They're painful. But I've told her about all of them. I'm trying to keep in mind - without slipping into a panic attack - that the deeper issues are still very much there, and she has shown no interest in fixing them.
It's so hard, though. She doesn't quite fit the same profile. Her normal setting is warm and pleasant. She loves me. I know it. As in, the good kind of love. Warm and supporting. But she fears me more. Fears my ideas, fears me disobeying her, fears me doing something she doesn't want. Fears not getting her way. But as long as I heel at her side, she is as warm and loving a person as I could ever hope to find.
I can have my house, and my kids, and my wife back any time I like. i just have to obey. It's not like her plans are bad ones, or evil. It's just that mine... don't count. Can't count. I'm kind of envious of those of you who ran and got all the way out while the need was still there. I have no driving need to push me the rest of the way out the door. If I file for divorce after a fight, I'll be punishing her and reacting from anger. If I file when things are good, it'll confuse the hell out of everyone I know, including her. If I don't file, I'm still stuck, waiting for her. Or I could move back home and obey.
This sucks. (Pardon my french)
"I can have my house, and my kids, and my wife back any time I like. i just have to obey. It's not like her plans are bad ones, or evil. It's just that mine... don't count. Can't count."
But you do count!!!!
I know it is hard and I know that it is very scary---but you are half way there....(I think) , as you are out of the house. You can live any life you want and still have your kids....
I can certainly tell you that the honey moon phase gets shorter and shorter and the "crazy making stage" promotes other bad stages ---while I can't name them yet I know that the intensity, volume, physical involvement, threats, fear come quick and fast when it comes.
The profile changes, but you know better than I that deep down the personality and characteristics don't change.
Don't give up on your wants and needs----your life.
You are important to your kids, dad, family , and friends...as well as your co-workers...you are what makes you important. With out your interests, abilities, cares, wants ----the people who care about you will not have the same person in their life.
Remember I had said that I was going to either
1-leave or
2- give up and let my soul die.....
It hurts like heck to do either!!!! but at the end of leaving there may be something to look forward to....
when we let ourselves go and not care about us anymore there is nothing to look forward to and we don't care that there is nothing----that is not existing or living---that is dying...don't let yourself say goodbye to you!
I wish I could give you a good analogy! That is one thing that I know that you are awesome! You always come up with excellent and meaningful analogies---that tells me you are a thinker...treasure those things/characteristics about you!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think while I don't have anyone else to turn to when I get lonely - the hardest part is knowing that my kids sitting in my lap fixes that like nothing else - flips the 'be nice' switch in her head. She's got nothing to lose, and it's easy to do. So long as I make no requests, at least. That's when it turns ugly.
Current plan is to make myself a list of everything I want in a relationship - including trust, respect, and assurance that past behavior will change - and compare it with her list. That'll give us some concrete stuff to compare - and if she doesn't want to meet my needs, then the relationship must change. We're still pretty good at being friends provided we don't have any control over the other's life.
I'm also going to start preparing my apartment, so that my kids will have a place to stay. I don't want 'His place isn't a safe place for children' to be a problem. Not that it is, but you know how it is. Defend, defend, defend.
"You hit the nail on the head. My former mil is the same. Amazingly kind and warm and loving--as long as no one puts a single toe out of line. "
This is true for me too.. Perhaps that is why each time he is nice I think I just have to accept-- he wants it (expects) it to be accepted because he wants it--- if he wants to be mad he expects he can be.... No one can interfere... I treating how it comes together--- but still hurts so much!!!! And I still want to fix-- but am beginning to understand I can't.... It is a lot to accept and then swallow--- no matter how we choose to deal with it..... In their eyes we will never be allowed to be good or right or anything positive.... So sad!!!!!