Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I have realized I have a very hard time not being able to do what I feel is right and would do if I knew for sure I would not get abused...
For example... I share custody of my son with my ex husband who is emotional abusive. I have left a year ago at this point. Anyway... I went on vacation with my son this past week. So I had him for an entire week, which I loved! I debated for days if I should have my son talk to his dad half way through the vacation. My son is 3. I would have to call his father and put my son on the phone... Which at this point he may talk to him or may not... Short attention span. But I was too nervous to do it. Betting on the fact I was sure he would say something in those few moments that would make me feel awful and the then I would get myself all upset and mess up the rest of my vacation. Im very compassionate and I would want him to do that for me but I am positive he wouldn't. I was sure he would say something about how he should be there and how I messed up this family and he would be crying while talking to our son. I just could t listen to that.
It makes me upset that I can't be who I am with him. That I am not strong enough to not let his words hurt me. I feel bad about myself for not being able to do the right thing.
When my son is old enough or if he was now... That he would call his dad on his own I would be ok with that cause I would not have to possibly hear or talk to him. But now my son doesn't realize at this point and can't dial or say he wants to talk to his father.
I just get upset that I am not string enough at times to do what I feel is right and would want to do for someone else. I make myself feel awful about that. I know if he didn't abuse me with his words this would t be a problem....
Am I too hard on myself? I don't want to be vindictive... I feel like I am sometimes cause I do things to be nice to him with my son and I have only gotten screwed in the past. Lost time with him... Etc. I did it over and over and he made me feel bad for being nice and then he would take advantage of me being nice and I would lose time with me son.
Any words of advice?
For example... I share custody of my son with my ex husband who is emotional abusive. I have left a year ago at this point. Anyway... I went on vacation with my son this past week. So I had him for an entire week, which I loved! I debated for days if I should have my son talk to his dad half way through the vacation. My son is 3. I would have to call his father and put my son on the phone... Which at this point he may talk to him or may not... Short attention span. But I was too nervous to do it. Betting on the fact I was sure he would say something in those few moments that would make me feel awful and the then I would get myself all upset and mess up the rest of my vacation. Im very compassionate and I would want him to do that for me but I am positive he wouldn't. I was sure he would say something about how he should be there and how I messed up this family and he would be crying while talking to our son. I just could t listen to that.
It makes me upset that I can't be who I am with him. That I am not strong enough to not let his words hurt me. I feel bad about myself for not being able to do the right thing.
When my son is old enough or if he was now... That he would call his dad on his own I would be ok with that cause I would not have to possibly hear or talk to him. But now my son doesn't realize at this point and can't dial or say he wants to talk to his father.
I just get upset that I am not string enough at times to do what I feel is right and would want to do for someone else. I make myself feel awful about that. I know if he didn't abuse me with his words this would t be a problem....
Am I too hard on myself? I don't want to be vindictive... I feel like I am sometimes cause I do things to be nice to him with my son and I have only gotten screwed in the past. Lost time with him... Etc. I did it over and over and he made me feel bad for being nice and then he would take advantage of me being nice and I would lose time with me son.
Any words of advice?
He has proven to you that he cannot be trusted. And it sounds like he has done nothing to make any effort to change. The best predictor of future behavior is present and past behavior. So there's nothing there (in him) for you to trust other than he is not trustworthy.
It's important to protect your child and keep him and yourself safe. The only way to do that is No Contact (other than the bare minimum required to fulfill the child custody agreement). Every time we have contact with an abuser, it's like walking thru a door marked "Plague" without a vaccination.
The best thing you can do for yourself (if you aren't already) is to get into therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist who has additional training (over and above whatever it took to get their degree & license) in recovery from trauma and abuse. Not all therapists understand the dynamics and effects of abuse. So please make sure your therapist does.
Please take good care of you and your son. And trust your instincts above all others and w/o judgment.
~healing hugs~
I am in therapy and is what actually made me realize I was being abused. I started going for anxiety a few years back.
I have to keep reminding myself I am not dealing with a rational person. I thought for so many years i was happy and now I realize even the good times we not all real. I never loved the person he is but who he played he was. Which is not really him and never was... So the rational person I thought he was at times was all an act.