Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have a new number: he can no longer text me.
I've blocked his Facebook. But he makes new accounts and messages me from them.
Please try not to judge... I know that NO CONTACT is the only route to no longer let him affect me. I know he feels a sense of power every time he can get a rise out of me. I know I shouldn't respond. But I have this stupid anger inside of me that feels the need to tell him how horrible he is, even as he's love-bombing me. Especially because he always told me how I was allowed to think and feel when I was dating him, and now I don't care. I can tell him EXACTLY how I feel.
But deep down, I realize it's no use. He will never be able to own up to his behavior. He blames it on him "being sick"... he was supposedly chronically ill. And I was cruel to treat him so unfairly.
I know it's wrong to respond. Even though I have no urge at all to be involved with him again, his messages just kindle the angry fire within me. Especially when he plays the victim and tries to convince me I was the cold one who broke his heart. That I am not a good person.
I've blocked his Facebook. But he makes new accounts and messages me from them.
Please try not to judge... I know that NO CONTACT is the only route to no longer let him affect me. I know he feels a sense of power every time he can get a rise out of me. I know I shouldn't respond. But I have this stupid anger inside of me that feels the need to tell him how horrible he is, even as he's love-bombing me. Especially because he always told me how I was allowed to think and feel when I was dating him, and now I don't care. I can tell him EXACTLY how I feel.
But deep down, I realize it's no use. He will never be able to own up to his behavior. He blames it on him "being sick"... he was supposedly chronically ill. And I was cruel to treat him so unfairly.
I know it's wrong to respond. Even though I have no urge at all to be involved with him again, his messages just kindle the angry fire within me. Especially when he plays the victim and tries to convince me I was the cold one who broke his heart. That I am not a good person.
"Sweetie ---- abusers aren't capable
of rational conversations and certainly
not honest answers. Finally, they
NEVER "own" their abusive actions."
A bunch of things helped me get off it. One of the things I did was, when I got one of his stupid messages, I would write a response but, rather than send it to him, I sent the message and the response to a couple of close friends who understood. The 3 of us would "workshop" the response until the anger I was feeling was replaced with laughter at both the ridiculousness of his messages, and the (by now over the top) response. Once I got to that point, the urge to actually respond to him had gone.
Another thing you have to remember is that, as whipple said, the point is to keep you playing, no matter what it is you are saying or doing. Just keep playing and he calls it a win. He just wants a response, any response. And any response you give him will be heard as "I love you, I miss you and I need you in my life, I'm nothing without you". That's what he will hear even if the only words you use are "F*** off and die you worthless piece of s***!"
You can't reach him, you can't make him see.
You can, however, tighten your security on FB so that strangers can't message you. Then you don't need to see his rubbish.
He gets himself in his narc state with Lord knows what going through his head when he crafts his next email to you.
THEN, imagine his brain twisting in the wind, EVERY TIME he checks his Inbox and you write him... NOTHING!!! SO MUCH better than feeding his ego.
Don't give him what he wants.
It does no good to respond or to attempt to defend myself against his comments & accusations. It does no good. It does do bad though, it engages me in ANOTHER useless crazy-making conversation. It makes me feel bad.
Efmatthe, I spent YEARS (like over 5) on that merry-go-round as Livn calls it, so no judgment here, I totally get how easy it is to get baited into a pointless and very abusive discussion because I was angry, to defend myself, to get him to take responsibility or even respect one single boundary. It is infuriating beyond words the crazy, degrading, ridiculous stuff they make up in their heads to justify being abusive (and almost to maintain contact and to continue to abuse). ALMOST SIX YEARS of it!!! It's so embarrassing!
Over time I realized what MStillStanding is saying-no matter what you do, you cannot "win"-you cannot even break even, because with an abuser in meeting you halfway-from their perspective if they move at all they've lost. It does not matter what you do, how you respond, righteously, angrily, submissively, rationally, clearly, vaguely, deferentially, sympathetically, harshly, I could come up with a million more options and it doesn't matter one bit-it will still be met with more abuse, and the only person you hurt is yourself. My ex husband, I realized, was perfectly happy to be divorced from me and abuse me from afar. Because what he valued, what he really wanted was to be abusive. The stand in date, the sex, the tax breaks, were just icing on the cake.
The reason why I emphasize NC is not because I judge people, it's because I KNOW what NOT going NC did to me! I could not heal. I was stuck in the confusion, the anger, the fear- I was re-traumatizing myself constantly. Do you have panic attacks or nightmares yet? Because that is the possible path you are on if the trauma continues. I am SOOO much better mentally w/o that contact. I just want to save people from that grief, although I realize I can't, and people take their own steps in their own time. But I can't not warn you of what might happen based on my experience.
My other concern for you is that you are feeding something dangerous by not going NC. You're abuser reminds me of someone I know who turned out to be extremely dangerous. I don't like it. I worry for you when I read your posts.
The things you want to say to him, COME HERE and say-we'll jump on the band wagon, we'll tell you how crazy he is, how manipulative, that you have every right to your anger, that you are not what he says you are.