Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
i have been married to my wife for 9 years. Even though I've tried, things haven't always been the best. Before we started dating, she had a bad breakup after an engagement and had a mental breakdown. She never told me the full story of what happened, but I do know that she says that he grabbed her arms during an argument and when she left she ended up in a mental hospital and diagnosed as bipolar. Fast forward - last year our problems started getting worse. She told me all of the ways that I am not a good enough husband, and told me that I needed to see a therapist to figure out what's wrong with me. I did my research and found one that I trusted and who would see me via Skype. During our first session, she asked me if I realized that I was being emotionally and verbally abused. I spent the next few months in sessions, and decided to talk with my wife. The reaction I got was to tell me I was crazy, my therapist wasn't qualified, I wasn't a good husband, etc. she stormed out of the house, stayed gone for a couple hours, and then told me how I was wrong.
I went to another therapist to make sure I wasn't crazy, and long story short she also believes that I am being abused. I keep taking online tests because I don't want to believe it (they all come back as a high probability of extreme abuse). My parents and friends mostly don't believe that it is that bad, and I don't know what to do.
We also have two girls - 6 and 2. The six year old has started asking why we can't just get along with each other, and even asked me when I was going to get a girlfriend so I can be happy. She is also getting very clingy.
I don't know what to do. I know deep down that I will never be happy here, but I'm having a hard time bringing myself to leave. I have anxiety and have started having panic attacks (chest pain, arm and leg pain). I spend most days either just trying to make it through the day without making her mad, or just trying to forget. I'm scared that I will end up turning to alcohol or some other destructive behavior to get through. Any advice?
continue working with
a therapist.
Also, look at the thread
here called "Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise." It's
an exercise I developed
for myself, long ago. It
helped me and has since
helped many others to
get a clearer perspective
on confusing relationships.
I'll bump it for you.
Finally, make sure you
practice self-care. That
means doing whatever
it takes to maximize your
well-being.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and
healing.
It has been strongly recommended to me by both therapists that we not seek counseling together. They both said that it would more than likely end up being a me against her thing, and because she is so good at making sure my family and friends don't see her abuse that it's likely she could appear like a perfect angel to the therapist. Also - she sees a psychiatrist for her bipolar, and she has done this with her as well. Her psychiatrist is convinced that my wife is getting better and has continuously lowered her medicine dosage over the last 8 years. To the point where she will not sleep more than a few hours at a time without waking up (then blames her lack of sleep on me).
I honestly believe that my only way out is to leave and hope that convinces her that she bears some responsibility, but I don't count on it. Her mother was very similar to her and was very controlling, and always had someone to blame for everything, so I have no doubt I will be portrayed as a bad man/husband/father who ruined our marriage.
also strongly concur
with both therapists
who won't advocate
for couples counseling.
On more reasons why
this is so, in cases like
yours, I'm going to bump
the thread I authored long
ago on couples counseling
in abusive relationships.
I'm also not surprised
that it seems like "everyone"
thinks you should just
"deal with it."
Sadly, this tracks with
the pervasive ignorance
about abuse in general
and emotional abuse
in particular. You have
no control over sociocultural
ignorance. All you have
control over is yourself
and how you parent.
Last of all, I'm not hopeful
that leaving will convince
her that she bears some
responsibility. It doesn't
generally do that. Typically,
the abuser will point to
the departing party as
a deserter.
Nevertheless, leaving
abuse is pretty much
the way to get out from
the crosshairs of an
abuser's worst abuse.
Unfortunately, since
there are children
involved, you'll have
to stay connected to
co-parent. Please
know that communications
around co-parenting
can and often are
limited to means of
communication that
are printable, like
texts and emails.
This eliminates
face-to-face and
voice communication
and also means that
what was said can be
printed out for documentation.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better time in
the coming year.
a legal term known
as "Unlawful Restraint."
Doesn't sound like there's
any point in attempting a
serious talk, again.
For the record, kids
growing up in an
atmosphere like
that are learning
that what's going
on around them
is "normal."
You wrote:
I honestly believe that my only way out is to leave
Then you talked about
hoping that that would
convince her to take
responsibility.
Excuse me but you also
wrote that she's mentally
ill, so the second part
probably isn't going
to happen.
The first part however,
was exactly right. I
hope you'll begin
putting together
an escape and get
yourself out of there.