Please get into therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist who has additional training in the dynamics & recovery from abuse & trauma. Time alone will not heal from abuse.

Therapy will help you to learn to set & keep boundaries. What I discovered is that as I heal, I begin to attract healthier people. I also recognize the red flags earlier and earlier so it never gets to the point of me being afraid because I end the relationship before that happens. I will clarify that I mean friends and not dating/romantic. That's because I am still healing and decided I am not putting myself out there dating wise until I have healed more.

I get what you're saying about men in general & therapy has helped me learn to trust my instincts so I know to stay away from those kinds of men. It takes time and effort. Therapy ain't for sissies, lol. But it is so worth it.

I agree with MyTrueColors. Therapy is critical to healing and transforming. Do you have close girlfriends that you can listen to? HUGS!!

~Ducktapetherapy77

Thank you, I think therapy might do some good even after 30 years.

You're right, time alone doesn't heal and he's affected my attitude to men my whole life. He died in a freak accident 3 years ago and it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders even though I'd hardly seen him for 20 years.

I want to be able to stand my ground and not be intimidated when men start showing off by yelling etc

Wow ok I am glad you got some of the weight lifted off (my sons father died 3 years ago and I got a weight lifted too because I was scared to death of him) so that is one good thing you have going for you.
I think counseling is a good idea too. I keep going to deal with my issues and other than that I don't see anything else that has helped me except for time. But you have given it time and are still having issues with men so yeah counseling is a good idea so you can confront those feelings and learn what to do with them. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. I hope you can get counseling soon.

Thanks for the replies, yes I do have some really good friends.

We have fun and also help each other with our problems but recognising manipulation comes up a lot. It's either that they have lots of short relationships because they are so determined not to settle for what they see as bad behaviour, or they're in long term relationships where the men seem to be able to get their way by emotional bullying.

Somehow it's easy to see it from the outside but harder when emotions get involved.

I'm from a generation who was told to 'keep your chin up', 'don't let it get you down', 'look on the bright side' etc and was told that worse things were happening somewhere else to other people so somehow I should be grateful for what I had however bad it was.

I've taught my children different

Have you read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft?
It describes red flags and how to spot them in abusive relationships.

I wanted to commend you for raising children who are allowed to express their own emotions, even the difficult, unattractive ones may of us had been taught to dismiss. You gave them a true gift in that. You've overcome so much to have so many success and so much to be grateful for, and that's all you and your amazingness!

With the difficulty in seeing red flags, I see this often with people who have suffered abuse, trauma, or have PTSD. I think when we have been abused we learn to just as you said, not trust our own judgment because we were conditioned not to trust ourselves so our abusers have more control. Also, with trauma we can become so hypervigilante about our fears that we automatically assume we are overreacting, and dismiss them immediately even when they are legitimate.

Several things that help me are to listen to my body for clues about how I really feel about something. For me, I carry tension in my neck, my shoulders. If I'm thinking about a situation, and I pay attention to having that tension, I know my BODY is telling me I am NOT okay with a something, no matter how much intellectualization I'm doing about it. I will also do a CBT technique. I think about what my first impression of a person or a situation is, and ask myself what is the worst thing that will happen if I followed that first impression or gut reaction, and how I would handle it if that worst case scenario occurred. If I can handle the consequences of trusting my gut-I take the leap of faith and follow what my instincts are telling me, instead of what my head is telling me. I also often remind myself of all of the times I had a gut feeling and it was totally right on, even though I'd tried to talk myself out of it. I realize I do have strong intuition about things, and it's usually correct.

Intuition, instincts, those gut feelings, are no less valuable than my conscious, rational thought-it just comes from the subconscious. And our subconscious is actually finely honed to take in a million subtle, peripheral clues in our environment outside our conscious awareness and evaluate them and make split second but frighteningly accurate calculations and judgments about them. That is all our guts feelings are, our subconscious working hard in the background. It is NOT less valuable than the logic we can twist around in our conscious mind.

Another thing I try to do to hone my intuition more is to try and be in-tune with my emotions. It was shocking to me when I learned how shut off from my emotions I really was. For example, I used to say, I don't do guilt. But my behavior said otherwise-I'd just shut myself off from feeling guilt, along with dozens of other emotions. Emotions are information givers, like intuition is. I listen to what they tell me. I had to learn to listen by connecting my behavior to what the underlying emotion must be motivating the behavior, and then I was like, "Holly molly, that's anger! I'm angry right now!" It's sounds really weird, it's a hard process to explain.......

My current biggest struggle is the thing you talked about when my bf gets angry-I also struggle a lot. I shut down. I got into compliance mode. It's very triggering for me. And I have to say, my bf is not abusive in any way-he is not a yeller, a name caller, a door slammer, anything that remotely constitutes abuse. But just knowing he's angry, like we all get sometimes, whether or not it even has to do with me, and I don't handle it well at all.

One thing that helps is that my bf knows I have this issue, he tries to be respectful of it, even though he has a right to have a negative but healthy emotion just like anyone does. He tries to stay as calm as he can, even if that means he has to take a little walk first, he watches how he says things (using YOU statements for example makes me feel more attacked and defensive), and does things like this. At the same time I do my part by just reminding myself that I am simply being triggered, and nothing bad is actually going to happen. If I need some time before I can deal with the situation, then I take that time-but I revisit the situation when I feel better, I don't let myself avoid it. But I have a safe, healthy partner to work things out with this way.

I don't know if any of that helps you at all, but that is some of what helps me.

MyTrueColors is right, I would suggest a Therapist as well to help you work through all of these questions you have in your head and no answers for. As you will find out if you ever read my journals, I am a quote-a-holic and love to look up quotes and put them in my journals after I'm done writing. I would like to share some with you if that's okay..
1. Change can be beautiful when we are brave enough to evolve with it, and change can be brutal when we fearfully resist. Bryant McGill

2. Sometimes it takes looking back for us to realize that leaving someone and being free from the pain they were causing was the best choice we have ever made. Jerose

3. It's okay to doubt what you have been taught to believe.

4. Do your own things on your own terms and get what you came here for. Oliger James

5.See how far you've come? Be proud of yourself. If nothing else, one day, you can look at someone straight in the eye and say: "But I lived through it and it made me who I am today."

Lastly: The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your flaws, mistakes, weaknesses, and still thinks you are completely amazing!

Hugs Gramybear

Thanks for the great replies, they're a big help :D

I know I've come a long way. In everyday life I am better at stopping things in their tracks now and I don't let people push me about. I try to deal with situations immediately they arise but if the old fear freezes me I'm getting better at going back later and putting them straight when I'm calm. These days it's manipulators rather than physical threats I come across, but I still doubt my ability to see the danger signs in relationships.

I used to get bogged down analysing the reasons why they said this or that or why they lost their temper. What had I done a moment, five minutes, an hour before which could have caused their outburst? What could I do that would stop it happening again?
I was thinking that their behaviour was my responsibility, and bizarrely fooling myself that somehow I had the power to change them if I could only find the magic key which would make them do what I want! I thought I was in control! I let them make me think that. I don't any more.

But will look for a therapist who can help me with the red flag issue.
Thanks guys x

Just an update to say I found a brilliant therapist and she's helping me work through the messages I was given by my parents (especially my mother) and helping with confusion I feel interpreting my own emotions because I was constantly told

"Don't cry"
"Don't get upset"
"Don't get angry" etc etc,

basically "Don't feel anything!" She liked everything calm.

Yay! I'm happy you are finding some relief.

Great when you get those light bulb moments, huh? : )

Did we have the same mother?!?!?!?!

"I used to get bogged down analysing the reasons why they said this or that or why they lost their temper. What had I done a moment, five minutes, an hour before which could have caused their outburst? What could I do that would stop it happening again? I was thinking that their behaviour was my responsibility, and bizarrely fooling myself that somehow I had the power to change them if I could only find the magic key which would make them do what I want! I thought I was in control! I let them make me think that. I don't any more."

I am right here, right now after all of these years. I keep telling myself, if it were up to me then I could "fix" the problems and that they aren't mine to fix. I've spent so much time trying to understand what's wrong with him and what I can do to help. I'm afraid of I don't do this I will lose mu empathy. Thanks for sharing! I'm so happy you found a good therapist!