LT, he will always be the same with someone else. I get what you are saying. When will this end friends? As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I thought about HIM. Some days are not quite so bad. When will this go away?

LT I wish I had an answer. I am so tired of keeping a cherry face, therapy, learning about me, trying to make a new life. It totally sucks.

Our X's will be gems for a very short while with someone new so they can get what they want: control, money, companionship, sex , housekeeper, cook, maid and someone to hang out with when they feel like playing nice and are getting their own way. Right?

I am so sick of this.

Wow, if only I knew... I would definitely tell you.

I hate it too. If nothing else, because of that idea, "You can think about anything you want except a white bear..." You can't get that frigging bear out of your mind! Trying makes this situation infinitely worse, it seems.

Maybe just say to yourself, "Oh there's X invading my brain again," whenever thoughts of him come up. I read that somewhere online. Then carry on doing what you're doing. Don't freak out just because you thought of him. He's an exceptionally nasty asshole who had a very traumatic impact on your life. In some ways, it would be weird if he didn't affect you! You aren't made of stone...

This is the best I can offer atm. Hope it is of some help! :) Huge hugs and healing thoughts xxx

Oh, Twist....yes, that's a sucky place. I, too, have times where I just sit and cry bc I am so lonely and feel like I miss him, but then when I think about it more I realize I really don't miss HIM. Something that has helped me is to really think about what exactly I think I'm missing. When I do this I realize he offered me nothing good, though I thought he made my heart go pitter patter. It was all the ideal I made it to be in my mind but it wasn't true. It was my fantasy, my idealizing that I was in love with. I was in love with the person I explained away his behavior with. "No, he didn't mean to be hurtful...I know he loves me more than he can put words to. I know he thinks about me as much as I think about him and he also dreams of our future." That is the kind of fantasy I had in my mind. I wrote my "alternative ending" for years to cope with how neglectful and selfish he was. Truth be told I also wanted him to love me bc I thought I needed him to love me for me to be okay. I thought if he didn't love me that this said something about ME, but now I know its only speaking volumes about HIM!

Sometimes I have listened to love songs and such and gotten really depressed as I thought about what I felt I was missing. But the truth is I never really had that love anyway. What made me cry was not his wonderful qualities as a person I missed but I was in love with the idea of loving him.

Maybe you miss being a couple, maybe you grieve over what could have been, maybe you miss the companionship....but do you really miss HIM???

I've gotten more real with myself about the truth of our relationship and that he has never loved me or been committed to me. I've gotten real with myself in fully acknowledging I do not need him for a fulfilling, happy life. I've gotten real that all the stuff I thought was good (his smiles, his charm, his occasional compliments) were really just strategy. He was acting. Once I've gotten a hold of all these things I've found it much easier to choose not to think about him. I still grieve over what could have been, but I'm not grieving over him as a person much at all any more. As a person he was/is pretty sucky to me.

That constant ache is a really crappy place though. I'm sorry that you are hurting like this.

It's your brain chemistry that is fooling you. You are not obsessing about the bad times. You are obsessing over the good times, when the dopamine flowed through your synapses like crack. You (like all of us) are highly addicted to these good feelings.

This is why you need to find that stack of cards that you made about why you left. It's easy to gloss over the bad because the good leaves such an incredible impression. Every single time you start "doing that thing" pull them out and don't stop until you're done. Remember. Remember. Remember.

You CAN retrain your brain!

The only way to stop thinking of a white bear is to actively picture a brown bear. When you think of him, picture something else about how you want your life to be or how your life is. It takes practice to wrench the thoughts away, but it can be done. What can't be done, is forcing yourself to stop thinking about something you wish you were not thinking about.

The other really important thing is to not beat yourself up over it. That only makes it worse, because the angrier you get with you, the more that takes you back to him. As in "Oh I wish I didn't keep thinking of him" - is thinking of him. And putting yourself down (even in jest) by suggesting you may need a lobotomy doesn't help either. There's nothing wrong with you, don't allow anyone (even yourself) to tell you otherwise.

The best way to fight unwanted emotions or thoughts is not to fight them - that only gives them strength. Accept yourself, accept your emotions and when it's thoughts, have some stock OTHER thoughts to think, about your present or your future.

And keep on plugging away at the other stuff. I wish there were a way to make healing happen faster - except that perhaps if it were too easy, we wouldn't appreciate it so much. :-)

The latest FB wisdom: "You wouldn't let an asshole live in your house. Why would you let him live in your head?"

It's so logical, but it is also kind of dismissive because it's so hard to do! I have the same problem--obsessing over everything instead of just letting it go.

The only real thing that has helped me is time and physical distance from him. My latest attempt is to compartmentalize and accept. I know that I will be having issues with him for a long time to come (children together). I have been in the habit of thinking about these issues every waking moment and all of my dark moments in the night, too. Now I'm trying to just put them all on a shelf, accept that they are there, they are not going away, but I can't let them hog up so much bandwidth anymore.

I don't know if that helps. Just know that you're not alone in this.

This is another
great oppoutunity
to benefit from my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise.

Do you already have
a stack of those cards?
If you, go through them
whenever a sentimental
thought about him
hits you.

If you haven't, then
sit down and
do the exercise.
(I'll bump it.)

And no, ultimately,
after she's securely captured,
he will NOT be a "gem" to her.

He'll be the very same
lump of coal.

You won't benefit
from a lobotomy.
You'll benefit a LOT
from practicing
SELF-CARE.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
happiness.

So sorry to hear your struggling. I agree replacing thoughts of him with happy thoughts - things you like to do - will help push him out of your mind. I don't know what the timelines is....Im actually scared to ask ;)
But take one day at a time.

Maybe thoughts stirred up again because of the recent issue with the farm. But once you get through this and other issues that may still need to be dealt with that involve him, you will continue to break free a little more emotionally. And as you continue to focus on you and and take care of yourself, you will feel better.

Sending hugs
xo

Thanks everyone.

Not, I think you are spot on. I think I "triggered" myself when I filed suit. The whole lot just brings up a mess of indignation. How dare he not live up to our agreement, particularly after I had to give up my dream to keep my sanity in tact? He is a terrible excuse for a human.

I will beat this. I must and I can.

We all can.

I sure wish I knew how to turn off the obsessive thoughts as well. I have them from time to time and I can't get shake them. The more I want to the more they stay with me. There are even times I have intrusive thoughts of past abusive exes. I do feel things trigger me, like if I happen to check out a dating site from boredom and find them on there..argh, so I end up getting of that for sure. lol
Also, running into mutual friends, songs we enjoyed together, or of course if one of them contacts me. Hence, blocking them has helped with that immensely when possible. I seem to be triggered too easily.
It's crazy as one of my exes resembles Will from Will and Grace now that he has a bit of grey in his hair and does the ASPCA commericials, I literally have to change the channel. The last ex favors the actor Ty Burrell from the series Modern Family so I can't watch it.
It's just crazy how little things can trigger me now.
I am hoping with time and getting back into therapy, I will learn to cope better and deal with these things.
I guess that was not much advice, sorry, just wanted you to know that I get what your saying. I was not married or in a steady relationship with either of these men. It was so on and off, up and down. I never knew where I stood and I was so manipulated by them. One was for only 2 years, the last about 3 and a half years, more off than on. I have had relationships that were more loving and normal that lasted longer, so why do these stay in my head and torture me?
Man, If I knew that answer and how to fix it, I would share the cure for all of us.
The only thing I can figure is they promise us so much and deliver so litte and give us such a dream and create such a nightmare. Is it any wonder we have to literally rebuild, heal, and find ourselves after the damage they do?

I struggle with this every day. It's strange how my mind works. I get to feeling like I miss him and I have to force myself to remember why he's no good for me. It's strange how he had no problem digging up anything bad about me, or twisting something until it became a fault, and somehow I can still stumble upon a part of me that actually feels sorry for him. I get to thinking "How could I have handled this better?" When I know darn well that if I had a time machine that could alter that moment, that there would have been something wrong with that, too.

And, of course, then I get to feeling sorry for me.

Even though I know better, even though the relationship didn't last long, even though I cut him out of my life, this guy got under my skin. I guess when someone knows how to get such a hold on me during the relationship that I begin accepting behavior that I wouldn't accept if they were anybody else, it's only expected that my brain would give them extra special treatment as well.