Hi blessed ---

Don't be ashamed. We've all been where you are!

Here's an exercise I've developed that's helped a lot of people, me included:

Get packs of index cards. Begin writing out --- one item per card --- things he did that were controlling and heartless and hurt you. (You can easily start with threatening to kill you.) Write out everything, all details related to any incident. You can also write cards on categories, like: humiliated me in public or ridiculed everything I said. But also be sure to write out individual incidents, one per card.

This is an important exercise and it works.

You won't write all the cards at one time, because you'll keep remembering more. It doesn't matter how small it seemed at the time it happened. If it hurt you in the least, write it out.

You'll see the stack grow taller and taller. Then, anytime you get sentimental and can only remember the good time, start flashing through the stack. Other times, you can take one card and focus on that, recalling every sound, smell, every detail of what comes back when you think of that time.

You keep doing this and it gets easier to keep from feeling bad about his being out of your life. Please try it!

Ilene

Just two days ago, I was asking for help on the same issue: I saw my ex/abuser for the first time since he stopped stalking me...it was a complete random sighting, I was in traffic and he was in his car with a young, pretty girl. I felt physically sick, like a wave of nausea and heat. Then...I felt ashamed, stupid and confused for having a reaction (jealousy and anger!) to seeing him with another woman. How could I possibly feel jealous and/or angry when he treated me horribly and I did everything in my power to get him out of my life...I'll get the name of my post on this and send it to you because what others had to say did help. Basically, it is normal to feel this way because, as abusive as he may have been, you also shared some good experiences and made a connection to that person. Let me send you the name of the post, and you can check out what people told me...they put it better than I can!

OMG honey, I know where you are. Being 47 and seeing my husband dating a 20 year old. Well need I say more. To answer your question, well you know what ya'll did together so you know what they are doing together. The shame you feel is he so casually let someone else in that room. Read the post here. There are a lot of stories similiar to yours. DO NOT BE ASHAMED PLEASE. It is not what you did or didn't do. IT IS WHAT HE DID. Listen to llene and lostlonely It is time that you take control and TAKE AWAY control from your abuser. Its okay to love, NEVER OKAY TO BE ABUSED. As I have learned from other post, choose to reply, ignore, or delete, this advice. Just know we and others are here for you. Lots of good advice. Pour out your heart. We will catch it.

Yeah, I totally feel the same way about my ex abuser. I have read lots of articles and all, and it really helped, so I don't understand why I still feel this way.

I still miss him and think about him frequently. The first time I left and this happened to me, I ended up going back and he was horrible to me, so I left again...

I try going over the bad stuff, and it really does bother me and I'm still scared of him, but it doesn't make the other feelings of missing him go away.

Sorry I can't offer any real advice or anything, but just saying I know how you feel.
hugs.

Thank you so much ! I love coming on here I get the best advice.

i too am same i still care for the man who abused me for a few yrs,we had exciting times together we went through thick and thin to survive literally,hes very charming when he wants to be,,some say its the stockholm syndrome women have with these men i dont know,you may want to read up on this for your self,,hope this helps,but one things for sure,you desrve to be treated good
another reason is self worth issues,not loving self

I understand how you feel. I left my verbal abuse of a boyfriend after 15 years after him stalking me and call me everyday and him telling me he would never talk to me in that matter again and how we would be a happy family with our son . Well I finally went back and let me tell you it didnt last very long until he went back to his same ways and this time it was worse then before. He gave me a black eye just by point his finger at me and hitting my eye I have been slapped and his words hurt the most . I even thought about ending my life but my kids keep me here . Regardless to say Im still with him and looking for a way back out. You can love him but love him from a distance . I regret the choice I made. Please dont go back my got worse when I did

Pretty much anyone that has been the victim of abuse needs to take a good look at themselves and evaluate if they are codependent.

Blessed,

It is ok to still love him, from a very far distance. To be quite honest, I still have feelings for my ex, but I don't want to be with him. I was very much still loving him to an extent when I left, but I loved myself more. I wanted free from the nightmare and I wanted peace in my life more than I wanted the crumbs of his love in return.

He accused me of giving up on the relationship, throwing in the towel, making things impossible and yada yada yada.
He even told me if I didn't come back to him, he was going to move on.

TEMPTING, but.... no thanks.

I had to remember all he put me through and that did help, but it doesn't erase the pain.

Embrace the pain, and let yourself feel it but REMIND yourself why you are in such a better place, every day. The good times were NOT worth what he put you t hrough. It was all, wrong, wrong, wrong. You no longer have to FIGHT to be loved! YAY!

You no longer have to CRY to be understood ( and still not be... understood) double yay....

Just keep moving on.

Do yourself a bigger favor though, don't look for any contact with him and don't have any. IF someone you both mutually know starts talking about him, tell them to please stop.

This may or may not be healthy, but for the longest time, I pretended my abuser didn't even exist. In the end, he doesn't. There never was a relationship.

Good luck.

For a minute there I thought you were talking about my boyfriend. His ex keeps sending him half naked pictures and other photos trying to get him back. I'm sure he abused her in some way shape or form. The only reason you want to go back is because you are feeling jealous of this new girl....Period. Guess what, new girl will probably get tired of his crap and say "hey old girlfriend" you can have him back. Then you will see the old crap and say to yourself, "what have I done", I remember this old crap now and why I left. Wake up! Get a grip! Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Your mind is playing a trick on you. You need to find something else to do to occupy your mind. Can you think of something that you could do?

Its normal to feel as you do.
I guess am abnormal for I know the best way to get over a man is to get under one,lol. na I didnt set around I dated men 1/2 my age and flirt w men my age. Having a handsome man beside me helped when I would see my formor and his young flings.
Just dont trip yourself up by giveing your formor any more time of your life.
Be good to yourself for yourself and for us on DS.

Thanks so much everyone for your comments. I know this feeling is only natural and it will go away. All I do is keep thinking about the bad times and it brings me back to reality.He was a cold hearted son of a bitch and I am so happy I was able to get out of that relatioship like I did. In the end he went crazy because I wasnt giving in to his BULLSHIT anymore and he started the threats and thinking I was messing with someone. Then sometimes I think this girl has no idea what she has in store for her and I feel sorry for the hefer but hey she gotta learn just like I did. I promise I will never go back to him that would be crazy his last words to me were if I ever see you with someone you will have to suffer the consequences that was three months ago.

I have recently been checking my ex abusers sisters myspace so I could look at pictures of him and I and his family together. I loved his family so much. And I'm pretty sure they loved me too. In fact, the first time they met me, his sister said "Mark, we like her, dont f*@k it up!". Well, I cant stop looking at the pictures, and this weekend, she even had some new ones up with him. I was thrilled to see he had no one with him of course, and still think he is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I have to remind myself that that is the outside. I like the index card idea, I'm going to try that. We were only together 5 months, but it will be a big stack.

Blessed, you are not alone. It is a struggle, but I think I don't just speak for myself when I say we are all doing this together. We arent alone.

I will be doing the stack thing also. I love my husband, but not the monster he turned out to be. I love the lovely, fun, humble, entertaining, hardworking, intelligent, sensitive person he presented himself to be, only to become the verbal, emotional, physical abuser and cheater he turned out to be....with no emotions or empathy for the bills he has left for me to pay without having what to pay them with (all the bills were on my name). the bills were for his things...alway him and nothing for me. and still, after the separation...everything has to be for him. i sometimes fantasize about getting together again, but get all scared at falling back to the unhappy, stressful place where I was. i have changed so much, am at peace. Ialso know that it would take many years of treatment which he is unwilling to do. He does know how to push my buttons...but am working hard at not letting him control my feelings. HIs punishment will be the sad life he will live and the sadness he will cause his future relationships...I so beleive in karma. i know it is a process.

hi afanador ----

I read your profile and your response. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, but it sounds like you're making such progress.

I developed the index card exercise for myself, seven years ago. Then when I began doing what I'm doing now professionally, I assign my clients the exercize --- and also, of course, talk about it whenever the subject comes up, on this board, and others. The exercise HELPS and it WORKS, both in the short- and long-term.

You wrote:
HIs punishment will be the sad life he will live. . . .

That is so, so true. To me, that's what I think about, when we have to wave goodbye to someone. They're THEIR OWN problem, now ---- not ours!!!!!!

Please ---- if you get away, keeping heading away in the opposite direction. Don't TURN AROUND and go back. Keep on getting healthier. That's impossible, back with the abuser.

Be well, all!

Ilene