Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This is my post today on "Wolf's Daily Howl."
Greetings Friends ----
Earlier today I'd promised I'd return with some thoughts on C.W.'s "What's Your Take on This?"
She was talking about anger and I was thinking about all the "stations" we pass through on the journey out of abuse.
There's some similarity to Eliabeth Kubler-Ross's Stage of Grief. But a word about those, before I begin. As insightful and inovative as Kubler-Ross's observations were, when they came out, and as useful as they've been, in relatity the trip through our emotional lives isn't genuinely linear. Some of what she observed was accurate for many people but certainly not all, or even, most.
And so it is for the observations that I'm about to make. They're similar to the stages of grief, not exact with them and maybe not even what happens for lots of people. But here goes:
Initially, we refuse to believe there's anything wrong. It's just what happens to everybody's relationship ---- right? There's always a loss of interest, a growing apathy, it's everyday life, nobody's perfect. . . . . (feel free to fill in the blank with what you said).
But of course it gets worse and worse till finally, denial simply won't cut it.
At this point, Kubler-Ross goes to anger, but I don't think that's the case on the journey through abuse. Most of us, while we may be angry, are still committed to the relationship. So at this point, we go to bargaining. Let me try to be a better ________ (fill in the blank). Let's have a baby. Let me try to understand him better. Let me try to help him understand ME better. Let's try to communicate better. Let's go to counseling. Let me try to explain it to him. (This is usually a BIG mistake!)Let's have more date nights. Let me try to work harder. Let me find what I need elsewhere. Let me try to numb the pain. Let's _______________ (you fill in the blank).
So we try. We try and we try and we try.
Finally, we have to admit that bargaining doesn't seem to fix the problem. So we take some kind of action.
Then at some point, we arrive at anger ------- full-blown, head-on, no-holds-barred raging furious anger.
Anger and depression may begin to take alternate days of the week, for us. One day fury, the next day regret, the next day the whole quart of Ben and Jerry's.
It's often at this stage that many people want to return, or actually do return to the abusive relationship. For them, the cycle returns to the begin, but this time through, the duration of each stage becomes excelerated.
After this, if enough of the right things happen, there may come some kind of acceptance. Hardest perhaps, is acceptance of the loss of the chunk of our life that the abuse consumed. We don't get that time back, whether it was our childhood, our prime middle years ----- our physically optimal decades. We escape, but we can't return to the time before and start over from there.
And of course, we've lost some or most of a dream.
Perhaps we've lost our innocence.
We've lost friends and family.
We've lost money and cherished possessions.
We've certainly lost chunks of self, that now, need to be rebuilt.
On this journey, there may be a stage not included in Kubler-Ross's list. It's forgiveness. This is probably not a stage that's possible as long as a detached couple has to co-parent. But maybe after that. For me, it's come as part of the work that I've done. It came for me in regards to my mother, my original abuser. Also in relation to my disowned sibling (though I experience this forgiveness in private, and will not renew contact). Certainly forgiveness has become part of what I feel when I think about my former intimate partners. I'm slowly coming to forgiveness towards the woman who ended our friendship in a manner unworthy of the person I thought she was.
In my opinion, forgiveness is something that may or may not come. It's good but it can't be forced and really------(unlike the opinion of some) ------ I don't see it as mandatory. If it develops naturally, great. If not ----- not. It may come with understanding that they did what they did because of their own damage. A certain distance is required, along with time and perspective. As I said, if it happens, it's a bonus. If not, get to neutral and be satisfied with that.
The final stage, if we can get to it, is JOY.
I've seen people attain it, after their escape.
It's not a certainty, but it's obviously something to shoot for. It requires many ingredients that may seem unfamiliar to us. Joy itself may seem unfamiliar to us ----- coming from dysfunction and abuse.
I wish you all JOY.
(Did I miss any?)
I.W.
Greetings Friends ----
Earlier today I'd promised I'd return with some thoughts on C.W.'s "What's Your Take on This?"
She was talking about anger and I was thinking about all the "stations" we pass through on the journey out of abuse.
There's some similarity to Eliabeth Kubler-Ross's Stage of Grief. But a word about those, before I begin. As insightful and inovative as Kubler-Ross's observations were, when they came out, and as useful as they've been, in relatity the trip through our emotional lives isn't genuinely linear. Some of what she observed was accurate for many people but certainly not all, or even, most.
And so it is for the observations that I'm about to make. They're similar to the stages of grief, not exact with them and maybe not even what happens for lots of people. But here goes:
Initially, we refuse to believe there's anything wrong. It's just what happens to everybody's relationship ---- right? There's always a loss of interest, a growing apathy, it's everyday life, nobody's perfect. . . . . (feel free to fill in the blank with what you said).
But of course it gets worse and worse till finally, denial simply won't cut it.
At this point, Kubler-Ross goes to anger, but I don't think that's the case on the journey through abuse. Most of us, while we may be angry, are still committed to the relationship. So at this point, we go to bargaining. Let me try to be a better ________ (fill in the blank). Let's have a baby. Let me try to understand him better. Let me try to help him understand ME better. Let's try to communicate better. Let's go to counseling. Let me try to explain it to him. (This is usually a BIG mistake!)Let's have more date nights. Let me try to work harder. Let me find what I need elsewhere. Let me try to numb the pain. Let's _______________ (you fill in the blank).
So we try. We try and we try and we try.
Finally, we have to admit that bargaining doesn't seem to fix the problem. So we take some kind of action.
Then at some point, we arrive at anger ------- full-blown, head-on, no-holds-barred raging furious anger.
Anger and depression may begin to take alternate days of the week, for us. One day fury, the next day regret, the next day the whole quart of Ben and Jerry's.
It's often at this stage that many people want to return, or actually do return to the abusive relationship. For them, the cycle returns to the begin, but this time through, the duration of each stage becomes excelerated.
After this, if enough of the right things happen, there may come some kind of acceptance. Hardest perhaps, is acceptance of the loss of the chunk of our life that the abuse consumed. We don't get that time back, whether it was our childhood, our prime middle years ----- our physically optimal decades. We escape, but we can't return to the time before and start over from there.
And of course, we've lost some or most of a dream.
Perhaps we've lost our innocence.
We've lost friends and family.
We've lost money and cherished possessions.
We've certainly lost chunks of self, that now, need to be rebuilt.
On this journey, there may be a stage not included in Kubler-Ross's list. It's forgiveness. This is probably not a stage that's possible as long as a detached couple has to co-parent. But maybe after that. For me, it's come as part of the work that I've done. It came for me in regards to my mother, my original abuser. Also in relation to my disowned sibling (though I experience this forgiveness in private, and will not renew contact). Certainly forgiveness has become part of what I feel when I think about my former intimate partners. I'm slowly coming to forgiveness towards the woman who ended our friendship in a manner unworthy of the person I thought she was.
In my opinion, forgiveness is something that may or may not come. It's good but it can't be forced and really------(unlike the opinion of some) ------ I don't see it as mandatory. If it develops naturally, great. If not ----- not. It may come with understanding that they did what they did because of their own damage. A certain distance is required, along with time and perspective. As I said, if it happens, it's a bonus. If not, get to neutral and be satisfied with that.
The final stage, if we can get to it, is JOY.
I've seen people attain it, after their escape.
It's not a certainty, but it's obviously something to shoot for. It requires many ingredients that may seem unfamiliar to us. Joy itself may seem unfamiliar to us ----- coming from dysfunction and abuse.
I wish you all JOY.
(Did I miss any?)
I.W.
(If you find this helpful, it is from my Support group here at DS) Feel free to join or take a look! We focus a lot on self help and change!
http://dailystrength.org/groups/metamorphosis
Kylie
Top Six Reasons To Forgive by Michelle Beaudry
No one can change the past, but you do have the power to upgrade how you feel about it, and that makes all the difference. You can take your power back from all those painful memories, and make peace with your past. Forgiveness heals the guilt and the hurt, and does this quietly, privately, and thoroughly. Forgiveness does not mean that you let anyone off the hook, it means that your present happiness is more important than your past suffering. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful things done to you, it means that you reclaim your right to run your own life.
Right now those hurtful things are running your life, and how is that working for you? The people who hurt you may have ruined your yesterdays, but only you are in charge of your tomorrows. And if you feel guilt over people that you have hurt, forgiving yourself will heal you and allow you to move forward with a happier attitude and a healthier body.
So here are the top six reasons to forgive.
1 You will feel better and laugh more. Resolving all that negative spin from your past allows you to enjoy yourself and have the daily fun you really want. Your buttons will stop being pushed because they will be gone. You see, guilt and hatred resolve nothing, they just sustain the negativity that continues to stop you from reaching your personal and professional goals. Forgiveness, on the other hand, undoes the stickiness that binds you to all those unhappy yesterdays, and this returns your personal energy to your present life, and you get more done. Forgiveness is excellent for improved prosperity and success in every area of your life.
2 You will be healthier. Carrying negativity appears to cause many physical ills. The body and the mind are the same thing. Just as ice and steam are still basically water, your body and your mind are simply different manifestations of your spirit. Relieve your mental stress and your body will be happier too. Nothing relieves mental stress like forgiveness. Forgiveness heals.
3 People will like you better.You will be a more enjoyable person to be around, and will attract more positive people to your life. Humans are imperfect, and we all make mistakes. One trait of positive people is that they take life less personally, and readily forgive mistakes as they happen. On the other hand, perfectionists are often miserable people, having standards way too high to be reached. Would you settle for mere excellence? Then do so, and your relations with others will improve immediately. Perfectionists are all about judgement, whereas happy people are all about smiles. Sure, there are fights worth fighting, but if you live is one long series of fights with other people, the exhaustion must be terrible for you. Forgive and life improves. It really is that simple.
4 You will stop the constant suffering. Forgive others exactly because what happened was not your fault. Ask yourself: What was done to me? How long ago did all that happen? Are those hurtful people still in my life? Why should I keep suffering for what someone else did? Since it was not my fault, why am I still paying for it? Of course you have suffered way too long and way too much already. And those hurtful people have probably been gone from your life for years. So let the suffering stop right now. Forgive them.
And it may be that complete, one hundred percent may not be possible for you at first, and that is fine. Not to worry, because you can start with a small percentage of forgiveness and work up. How about forgiving them ten percent? Twenty? Eighty? Even five percent forgiveness is an excellent step in the right direction. The more you forgive, the better you will feel.
5 You have punished yourself long enough. Self forgiveness stops the overwhelming feelings of guilt that obstruct your happiness. Ask yourself: What was my crime? How long ago did that happen? Am I still doing stuff like that? If I had been imprisoned for it, would I be out by now? You have likely already punished yourself way too much, and it is time to grant yourself a full pardon. Forgive does not mean forget, it means accepting responsibility, and moving on with your life in positive ways, having learned your lessons. You can stop spinning over how you used to be and get on with creating the good life you have always deserved. So forgive yourself. Today. Right now. Since you cannot undo what you did, you must do the next best thing, and that is to face what happened, and then let the blame go.
6 No one needs to know. Forgiveness happens privately, between you and God, or between you and your higher self. You do not need to call anyone up or write any letters. Forgiveness is an internal healing, and it is all about you. Other people will have to forgive themselves for what they did. Your concern is you. You evolve all the time anyway, so why not evolve for the better?
And here is how do forgiveness. As you remember past events and the people involved, feel forgiveness flow from your heart out to them and back to yourself. Visualize what happened and who was there, forgiving everything and everyone involved. If you are not particularly visual, that is not a problem at all, since you can just sense and feel what happened, and process from there. Sensing and feeling work just as well as visualizing.
If anger arises when you think of some people, then in the privacy of your own thoughts, confront them. Tell them how you feel about what happened, and spend all of that anger you feel toward them. Tell them all the things you would never say to their face, but need to express. And then forgive them.
You may need to feel forgiven by your higher power. Please know that God forgives you the first time you ask, so only ask once. If you have to ask twice, then it is you who is not forgiving you. Forgive yourself fully knowing that God never needs to be asked twice.
Hypnosis allows the process to work more quickly and throughly, and in my years of seeing clients, I have seen the power of forgiveness help people get the changes they seek. My CD "The Forgiveness Pyramid" may be useful for you, and information on that is on my website.
Michelle Beaudry, board certified hypnotist near Orlando, Florida, takes clients in person and by phone from all over the world. Email hypnofemme@aol.com.
Beaudry Hypnosis
Article Source: http://www.positivearticles.com
I think I stayed for a long time in an unhealthy relationship because I always kept thinking, well ' its not her fault- she had such an abusive childhood and she doesn't have any good role models-- no wonder she doesn't trust me and is so jealous and accusatory.. she was never able to trust her parents to be good to her, why would she trust me?".I saw a therapist for a long time (still seeing the therapist but thinking of changing because I don't think she quite getting what emotional abuse is---) the therapist kept wanting me to see that I shouldn't personalise things ie. If my partner makes a ludacrus accusation, just don't get into it, if you know it's not true".. so I kept saying to myself "well, everyone has their problems, she's just insecure and has been screwed over by so many people in her life that she doesn't really know how to be loving, but since she's in therapy, maybe she'll work through all that-"
I was always so focused on trying to be 'compassionate' about her issues, trying to forgive because it wasn't her 'fault'... but I think this kept me in abusive relationship, hoping for change... I don't know how to get my mind around this forgiveness thing- part of me just wants to be really mad at her for ALL the ways in which she mistreated me, continuously-- does forgiveness come after the angry stage?
I also don't believe forgiveness is necessary. I don't equate forgiveness with not wishing him ill, hoping that someday he will have peace, with being able to leave what he did to me in the past. That I can do. I can let it go, because to hold onto it and remain angry,or hurt over it, just continues to give him power over me. And he's had enough of me.
But forgiveness....I think first he would have to recognize what he did. Then he would have to feel remorse for it. Then, he would have to try to repair it. Then....forgiveness would be a productive tool which could help him to stop the cycle, and would add something positive to the universe. But I am quite content, right now, to have stopped the abuse for me, for my son.
My ex stole way way too many years from me. He stole my son's childhood from him. But if we remain bitter over that, we will never achieve joy, which, I truly believe I am on my way to. That hope, that dream, was a driving force in setting me free. I just wanted a life of joy for myself and my son. And, we may not be there 100%, we have a lot of baggage to unpack...put away, laundry to do, but we are doing it. Day by day.
I refuse to hate him....because hate does the hater more damage than the hatee....In the words of Medgar Evars, (I saw Ghosts of Mississippi the other day) "Most of the people you hate don't even know it." I hope he finds peace. I hope he leaves us alone.
And btw....WHERE DO YOU GET A QUART OF BEN AND JERRY'S???!!! I can only find it in pints, unless you mean to eat two....LOL.
Hugs, and thanks much. It is so affirming to see someone articulate exactly what you know to be true.
Here's a note to OtherArtGirl:
You talk about a very interesting point.
I have two basic measuring tools for almost all my decisions now.
They're about equal in importance, so it's hard to choose which goes first, but I guess it would have to be BALANCE.
EVERYTHING in BALANCE.
(Think about it.)
The second thing then, though also of primary importance, is SELF-RESPECT.
So, now. . . . . .
I really do believe that it helps ---- ultimately ---- to hold in our minds and hearts that those that have hurt us, probably did so, driven by their own injury.
HOWEVER ------ !!!!! This insight that helps us after we have begun to make self-respect and self-care a daily practice, will HURT us if we haven't yet made self-respect and self-care a daily practice.
If we make the honoring of our own life a priority (this is NOT selfishness..... it's our most important RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!), then we will not allow others the opportunity to DIShonor us, to behave disrespectfully towards us, to abuse us.
AFTER we do this, AFTER we've REMOVED ourselves from the line of fire of someone's dysfunction ----- THEN (!!!!!), THEN we can hold compassion in our hearts, for that person's past hurts and continuing injuries.
If we stay within abuse, absorbing and excusing someone abusing us because they themselves were abused and hurt in the past, we are [1] not practicing mandatory and appropriate self-care and [2] not holding all elements in balance.
So forgiveness as a rationale to allow oneself to be abused, is not honoring whomever or whatever you believe the creator or natural order wanted for you in your miraculous opportunnity at life.
Yes/no?
Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing. For me, it's like a delicate flower. It will come in its time, or not. When it does, it's good. When it doesn't, I'm still okay, because I'm practicing self-care and respect for others.
Be well, all!
i.w.
Heres my phases in brief...I know the stages only too well.. And very well described, all take place, sadly..
For me its was:
Shock and hurt discovering that he could be so angry/abusive behave so badly.
More hurt, and disappoinment and confusion.
Honeymoon periods.
Feeling very hurt upset and lonely.
Confusion.
Pleading with him to make changes.
unsuccessful attempts to get help for his behaviours.
Denial to cope.
Feeling very hurt upset and lonely.
Living in hope he would change/honeymoon periods.
Anger and upset at his abuse, calling the police on him.
Living in hope he would change/honeymoon periods.
Acceptance, numb to it.
Enough is enough.
Separation.
Going back with promises of change.
Living in hope he would change/Honeymoon period.
More hurt confusion, lonliness anger.
Detaching trying to live within it, and live my own life despite it.
Counselling help.
Detachment/anger alternating, further disappintment.
Shorter and shorter honeymoon periods.
Abuse becoming too intolerable to stay.
Leaving.
Acceptance that its really and finally fully over. That he will never change.
Healing, letting go.
Not forgiveness for me..but indifference.
Further understanding that he never could be, what I had thought he was.
Some residual anger and disappinment.
Flashbacks.
PTSD inertia, numbness.
Still healing and beginning to feel much better, free and relieved its over. And trying to learn how to once more reach for the joy?..
Like you hockeymom..I don't hate him, but for forgiveness 'I think first he would have to recognize what he did. Then he would have to feel remorse for it. Then, he would have to try to repair it'..Exactly..and he won't and he can't, so forgiveness isn't possible for me..But indifference is, and thats good enough for me.
I'm not angry at him anymore either..(anger, like a poisen you swallow, hoping the other person will die??)..Love that one..
I actually, something he never afforded me..fell pity and compassion for his loss. Because his behaviour lost him a happy family, and a good home, and living with his children, and a great wife. I pity him for that sometimes. He is the loser there.
Yearsof this..I love the piece on forgiveness..especially the following...
'No one can change the past, but you do have the power to upgrade how you feel about it, and that makes all the difference. You can take your power back from all those painful memories, and make peace with your past. Forgiveness heals the guilt and the hurt, and does this quietly, privately, and thoroughly. Forgiveness does not mean that you let anyone off the hook, it means that your present happiness is more important than your past suffering. Forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful things done to you, it means that you reclaim your right to run your own life'...
But for me I would just sustitute the word 'forgiveness'..for letting go..and lleneW, also self respect, or indiffernce?
Anger and depression may begin to take alternate days of the week, for us. One day fury, the next day regret, the next day the whole quart of Ben and Jerry's."
I am there, in those places... back and forth..
I am also experiencing moments of feeling very, very unsafe... to the place of panic, at times..
I get overly afraid when someone raises their voice, either to me.. or even in my vicinity..
Anger and aggression from others causes me to cringe..
And my own inner rage scares the crap out of me..
I can feel it, and it feels.. huge.
I've made the first steps toward therapy.. I know I need it.
I was told by my doctor that there is a really good chance that my ex is a sadistic narcissist.
I don't know..
I just need to ... get through this.
Thank you so much for your post, and all of the replies.
Wendy~
Those abuse stages are so dead on with me.
To Michelle Beaudry
Duh. Forgiveness DOES NOT HEAL!! Hello!
Only healing heals.
It is so annoying how somehow forgiveness has a new meaning.
To all that try to sell me on fake forgiveness. Bottomline is Forgiveness is an act that can only occur after the wounds are mended. There is no other definition of forgiveness.
Forgiving an abuser while being wounded is out right dangerous to your being. It will revicimize you and make you vulnerable to attack.
I believe we can be understanding and compassionate of abusers condition but lets try not to confuse that with forgiveness.
People don't do things TO you, they do things FOR them.
(ie. it's not really about you, it's about them). I think for a long time I kept misinterpreting this as "don"t take it so personally, it won't hurt as much"
I used anger to drive me to fight the good fight for my son. And I won that fight, eventually...
I have suggested to people who are hurt repeatedly by their abuser that they need to get a good healthy dose of anger.
But you have to be careful. You have to allow your self to be angry in a productive way, to let it drive you to do the right things, to make the right decisions for yourself and your children. I found it easier to do this when I was angry vs. being hurt, so I chose anger, on purpose.
But then, once you have used it to drive you, and gotten where you wanted to be, then you need to let it go. Holding onto it after that will just begin to eat at you, will make you bitter, and negative...
My therapist and the dr we were seeing for co-parenting both asked me why I was holding onto my anger. And I told them both, I need to, so that I can continue to fight for my son (who was still with the abuser at that point). But when he was free....so was I from the anger. And now, we both move toward joy, a little more each day.