Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Session yesterday.
They aren't abuse specialists, so do tend to try to make sure I'm accepting my share of the blame. And it's true, I could have stopped the abuse at any time, by speaking up. Now that I'm recognizing what's going on, I am.
I was discussing what I call her 'monster making.' I mentioned the time I told her I felt really good, really confident, like I could take on the world. She responded by telling me she didn't like it when I was in that mood, that she was afraid of me doing whatever I wanted - that I would rape her if I wanted to.
The councellors commented that it made sense to them that she would feel threatened by my power. Interesting that she took it in such a sexual direction. Interesting that she claims her goal is for me to join her, but doing that requires her trusting me and giving me power. And that yes, it may be possible that she seeks to protect herself by robbing me of my power, by keeping me weak and a victim. I thought that was a pretty good step for non-abuse therapists to connect to.
She responded by breaking down. 'I'm a horrible person. I do everything wrong. Everything is my fault. I'm the one that's ruining the marriage.'
A significant chunk of the rest of session was spent calming her down and reassuring her that she wasn't a monster, she was just making ineffective choices.
Then they noticed me. I was frozen. Asked me what I was feeling. I said 'I'm not sure, but my internal shields are at 100% right now.'
When she gets like that, I want to help calm her down. She's demonstrated in the past that she needs help calming down from there, that she's not safe in that mode. And she's told me that she wants and needs me to clam her down. And I can't protect her from herself. So I'm helpless. Just wave after wave of fear until she calms down, and then guilt when she blames me for not doing the impossible. The only thing that does stop it - sometimes - is me backtracking and apologizing.
Then we went to dinner. She sure calmed down fast in the car. I guess her new coping skills work darn well for her.
At dinner, she protested that she couldn't win, that she couldn't even see what she was doing wrong. I told her I could try to help her understand, but it would be to educate her, not attack her. She agreed. So I commented how she makes suggestions on what she thinks I should do, and she uses the phrase 'You can do this. You can play piano now. You can play a video game or read a book.' And if I point it out to her that while I value her suggestions, the use of the word 'can' makes me feel like she's granting me permission. And then she responds 'I was just making a suggestion.'
Two sentances later, she's in tears, lamenting how no matter what she does, it's just going to result in me attacking her.
I got to hear how she's overwhelmed and exhausted, and she just needs help, and I don't help. And now that I"m out of the house, it's even worse. That she doesn't feel that she's important to me, that I have any hope of fixing anything, that I even want to save the marriage. How her needs are never met, and I insist that mine are.
I left last night feeling hopeful that she was making progress. Broke through the first layer of defenses. Now... that hope is gone. All I see is traps and chess moves and tactics.
Good Lord, this sucks.
They aren't abuse specialists, so do tend to try to make sure I'm accepting my share of the blame. And it's true, I could have stopped the abuse at any time, by speaking up. Now that I'm recognizing what's going on, I am.
I was discussing what I call her 'monster making.' I mentioned the time I told her I felt really good, really confident, like I could take on the world. She responded by telling me she didn't like it when I was in that mood, that she was afraid of me doing whatever I wanted - that I would rape her if I wanted to.
The councellors commented that it made sense to them that she would feel threatened by my power. Interesting that she took it in such a sexual direction. Interesting that she claims her goal is for me to join her, but doing that requires her trusting me and giving me power. And that yes, it may be possible that she seeks to protect herself by robbing me of my power, by keeping me weak and a victim. I thought that was a pretty good step for non-abuse therapists to connect to.
She responded by breaking down. 'I'm a horrible person. I do everything wrong. Everything is my fault. I'm the one that's ruining the marriage.'
A significant chunk of the rest of session was spent calming her down and reassuring her that she wasn't a monster, she was just making ineffective choices.
Then they noticed me. I was frozen. Asked me what I was feeling. I said 'I'm not sure, but my internal shields are at 100% right now.'
When she gets like that, I want to help calm her down. She's demonstrated in the past that she needs help calming down from there, that she's not safe in that mode. And she's told me that she wants and needs me to clam her down. And I can't protect her from herself. So I'm helpless. Just wave after wave of fear until she calms down, and then guilt when she blames me for not doing the impossible. The only thing that does stop it - sometimes - is me backtracking and apologizing.
Then we went to dinner. She sure calmed down fast in the car. I guess her new coping skills work darn well for her.
At dinner, she protested that she couldn't win, that she couldn't even see what she was doing wrong. I told her I could try to help her understand, but it would be to educate her, not attack her. She agreed. So I commented how she makes suggestions on what she thinks I should do, and she uses the phrase 'You can do this. You can play piano now. You can play a video game or read a book.' And if I point it out to her that while I value her suggestions, the use of the word 'can' makes me feel like she's granting me permission. And then she responds 'I was just making a suggestion.'
Two sentances later, she's in tears, lamenting how no matter what she does, it's just going to result in me attacking her.
I got to hear how she's overwhelmed and exhausted, and she just needs help, and I don't help. And now that I"m out of the house, it's even worse. That she doesn't feel that she's important to me, that I have any hope of fixing anything, that I even want to save the marriage. How her needs are never met, and I insist that mine are.
I left last night feeling hopeful that she was making progress. Broke through the first layer of defenses. Now... that hope is gone. All I see is traps and chess moves and tactics.
Good Lord, this sucks.
The problem is when you are not dealing with counselors who don't specialize in abuse you automatically are not on even playing field. I ran into something similar.
I have learned, and I am sure if Illene chimes in she will confirm, that marriage counseling doesn't work when dealing with abuse unless the abuser is in individual counseling and only when that happens after at least 1 year to 18 months would a couple be ready for marriage counseling.
Wishing you the best. Stay strong. Sending strength and encouragement!
Abusers most always win over the counselors or therapists and make YOU the bad person. It makes everything WORSE for you.
Please find a therapist trained in abuse recovery, for your sake, please.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It's a tightrope.
And i've got the kids to consider.
And not having anyone at all... is absolutely terrifying.
But it's going to take a miracle for her to change. and I keep seeing the tiny signs that it's happening. Which I'm aware is just part of the dance. The problem is that the dance and actual change look exactly the same from the outside.