Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi friends,
This may be a little long but please bear with me. Wife and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16 years. She has been abusive for much of that time. We have had many good times and some horrible one. The roller coaster of abusue. When she is good she is nearly the perfect wife. When she is bad, she is angry and abusive.
BUT, for the first time in 16 years I wonder if I Still love her. I could always say I did until recently. She abused me in to a stroke 9 months ago and 2 small ones since. She had actually stopped her abuse for honestly about 2 years straight. She can go months without abusing and then blows up. Thats what makes it hard.There can be good times.
But just lately I can't hardly look at her. She is trying so "make things work" and I just can't fake love. I love her as a person but not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This horrible state of limbo. We have no kids so easy split. We are supposed to on vacation in May so maybe that will tell the tale.
I'm not lookiing for any answers as only I can make the decision. But based on what I've read here there are other people in this same situation now or may have in the past. Perhaps I am just afraid of the unknown but I have good reason for that after a life of abuse.
Anyone else in the same boat or have been before? Would love to hear any opinions. Thnaks.
Martin
This may be a little long but please bear with me. Wife and I have been married for 14 years and together for 16 years. She has been abusive for much of that time. We have had many good times and some horrible one. The roller coaster of abusue. When she is good she is nearly the perfect wife. When she is bad, she is angry and abusive.
BUT, for the first time in 16 years I wonder if I Still love her. I could always say I did until recently. She abused me in to a stroke 9 months ago and 2 small ones since. She had actually stopped her abuse for honestly about 2 years straight. She can go months without abusing and then blows up. Thats what makes it hard.There can be good times.
But just lately I can't hardly look at her. She is trying so "make things work" and I just can't fake love. I love her as a person but not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This horrible state of limbo. We have no kids so easy split. We are supposed to on vacation in May so maybe that will tell the tale.
I'm not lookiing for any answers as only I can make the decision. But based on what I've read here there are other people in this same situation now or may have in the past. Perhaps I am just afraid of the unknown but I have good reason for that after a life of abuse.
Anyone else in the same boat or have been before? Would love to hear any opinions. Thnaks.
Martin
Here is your answer: "But just lately I can't hardly look at her." Even your body is telling you that you can no longer even bear to lay eyes on her. I have felt this way about my mother all of my adult life, and so does my sister say this. You no longer love this person. You are past the point of doubt.
I know it is possible to be abused and still love someone. In my recent relationship, I was abused for 3 years and still, he was a feast for my eyes. That is such an indicator as to whether love has been extinguished or still burns bright. Love can endure through a lot of abuse, but eventually, the flame will go out. Yours has gone out.
Hugs.
You may very well be right. Last night we were both up late and I wanted to go in and just give her a hug. Its what I would normally do, And I just kept going. That was telling and quite honestly has never happened before.
But when you have been torn down piece by piece, limb by limb by abuse. I think each time we are abused it takes a piece of our heartand soul. And then eventually nothing is left. Am I worng?
Martin
The fact that she abused you into a stroke is simply horrible. You seem to have taken all you can and you've reached your breaking point.
The limbo is such a difficult stage to be in and it's hard because its not always bad - but that's not good enough. You deserve better.
I am married 18 years and have come to realize my husbands abusive. But very subtly - manipulating, controlling, breaking down my self esteem and crushing my spirit. After years of this and now I'm seeing it for what it really is, I've shut down inside and I've no longer got feelings for him. We're in house separated for 6 months now, I've retained an attorney but put it on hold because he promised he'd change. But at this point, there's not much he could do to erase or make up for the years of abuse.
I love him. We've been together for half our lives and we have 2 little children together. But I have no feelings towards him and I get all tense when he's near me.
I know I need to move forward, but the huge upheaval and disruption of my life and the lives of my girls is so painful and sad to have to think about. But I know staying in a loveless marriage is no life for me or not a good example to set for my girls.
Just know you're not alone. There are many wonderful people here who are either where you are now, or struggled through to the other side and you will receive support, strength, and validation here.
Take care of yourself. Find an individual counselor who specializes in abuse and make a better life for yourself.
Hugs,
Interestingly, about 10 years before I left my abusive husband, his chronic snoring made it impossible for me to continue to sleep all night in the same bed. After he fell asleep each night, I sadly moved to another room. It began to dawn on me that this was a blessing in diguise. Life was handing me a cricumstance which commenced the unravelling of our bond.
When you reach the point that you are at, it's as if your emotional immune system has begun to repel that person on your behalf. It looks like a clear indication to me, you are done.
Kris
With an abusive situation we may feel we are experiencing "good times" but in reality they aren't truly good times but rather just a lack of abuse. The lack of abuse is so refreshing that to our lowered expectations it truly feels like good times. The goal isn't lack of abuse. The goal is a healthy relationship in which your partner actually helps you grow.
Another thing that has been discussed here is how we often fall in love with a false image...a dream...and not who they are in truth. What we cling to and what we feel in love with is the ideal of them....the person we have made them out to be (sometimes as a defense mechanism).
Good for you in recognizing only you can make the decision in all this. As scripture tells "the heart is deceitful". We can be thoroughly convinced of something and be thoroughly wrong (for the positive or the negative). You have a lot of history with her and that's a lot of memories to work through.