This is a time to u d'tat and and to practice self care!

You've learned for yourself now that going on these other forums isn't pleasant or healthy for your self esteem so now that you know make the decision to stay away from them, stay away from asking people's opinions other than the ones who feel are beneficial to you and therefore by doing so your practicing self care!

When you do this you'll help raise your self esteem and when the time comes when your self esteem has risen you'll be able to look at the whole situations and at him and you'll know for yourself exactly what the dynamics were about that relationship and exactly whether or not he was acting abusively to you, so for now, concentrate on self care and stay away from the opinions and advice from those that know little about abuse!

Don't know what the misspelling was meant to say, it's my auto correct on my iphone

Char. . . .

Is it possible for you
to get connected with
a counselor who
specialized in recovery
from abuse? If you haven't
done this before, I strongly
urge that you consider
taking this action. It
has helped many of
us greatly.

You are NOT responsible
for being abused. You
are NOT at fault!!!!!

I have to second the advice of both Kaz to take really good care of yourself and avoid those who would drag you down, and Ilene to try to find a good therapist specialising in abuse recovery.

I also wanted to remind you that you weren't needy and jealous before he started to devalue and dismiss you - and "replace" you, on his screensaver, on the wall, in his living arrangements, etc etc. It was only once he had you twisted up in knots that you became needy and jealous. It's what they do - they twist us around so we don't know which way is up then accuse us of being crazy. They lie to us then accuse us of being untrusting. They constantly devalue us then accuse us of lacking confidence. So yes, maybe you did become needy and jealous (I know I did, and that is SO not me), but that was a result of the abuse, not your natural personality.

Please, find a good counsellor to help you find the person you really are again, and to rebuild.

Living has made an excellent point,

It's easy to see that we did act in these ways but the question really is why!

It's a direct result of the way we were treated!

It's what us known as cause and effect!

The perfection of the abuser excludes them from the responsibility or the effect and they only ever look at the cause so much so that you begin to only look at the cause because your going through it in the moment it's pointed out!

It's natural to have insecurities in life on some level, it's when these insecurities are burst open into bleeding wounds by being emotionally attacked and then having salt rubbed in the wound on a regular basis and let's not forget when they pick at the scab of a healing wound as we try to make NC!

Your wounds will heal but u have to give them the best environment and u have to stop picking the scab off as well, you are not crazy and u have genuinely been abused by this guy, what he's done is very wrong!!

Sorry said that wrong way around

I meant the abuser won't look at the cause but only looks at the effect Nd u end up only looking at the effect!

Get some distance from him so you can get some clarity of mind.

A 10,000 foot view of your life with him will give you some definition of the abuse with time.

Your perception is your reality...be it right or wrong. Even if you are wrong, you have a right to be wrong, so exercise your rights.

About all I can suggest is to avoid those who don't recognize the abuse. If you can't avoid them, then when you are around them be sure to steer converations onto other topics. And after awhile, it will be easier to be strong, and say to confidently to yourself and to others "I was abused, I didn't deserve to get treated that way." The problem is, there is no clearly accepted line between abuse and normal relationship bickering. Some people don't consider emotional abuse as abuse, or don't consider anything abusive if you have an option of leaving. And some people think they are trying to help you get over it quicker by downplaying it, as if you are holding an unhealthy grudge and once that grudge is gone, you will be happier. It just doesn't work that way, though.

I was treated the same way - especially being a man. "Why didn't you just break up with her?" Or, "you need to be stronger than that." Or that I somehow "signed up for it" because I failed to see red flags. But the reality is, we get in these situations because we are caring people, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for the reply everybody. At the moment it's a little difficult for me to get therapy.. I'm actually a student and can't really afford it. In all honesty, i also sometimes feel like i've not been through enough to deserve it? I've read other peoples stories and to me it's such blatant emotional abuse and my heart goes out to them, and i feel like i'm almost taking something away from them by claiming i was abused when some others would just class it as normal relationship bickering (as Kevin said).

I've been trying to read up and work through this myself but the only way i can describe how i'm feeling as "teetering". It's like if something convinces me it wasn't emotional abuse i'll think i'm crazy and like there something that is actually wrong with me.. whereas when people tell me it actually may have been abuse, it gives me a reason for how bad i'm feeling.. it makes me feel like i had/ am having a normal reaction and will recover in time.

Because of this, every time i get feedback which seems to trivialize the situation and how i feel by saying it was just an average broken relationship.. or if i read a description of emotional abuse that doesn't fit him i'll completely lose all my confidence and start doubting myself again. I'll then usually re-read comments people have given me on this forum to try and build my self esteem again and belief it wasn't my fault and i'm reacting normally. I wish i could start to assure myself but i just don't seem to be able to at the moment. Like i say, i feel like i'm teetering.. it takes so much to build me up and something so little as just a negative thought to bring me right back.. I wish i was progressing by seeing clearly what was happening and reassure myself.

Thanks again. x

Depending on where you are, there may well be free or very low cost counselling services. I have found a few just by a single google search (though admittedly they seem to be mostly in London - but I only spent about 30 seconds looking).

As for "deserving", there are a few things I can say about that. Firstly, abuse is abuse, there is no better or worse, so if you have been abused you "deserve" counselling to help you get through the aftermath.

Secondly, even if you are "over reacting" (I don't believe you are) because you are "too sensitive" or whatever other bs you or others are telling you, then so what? The point here is not so much what was done as what the resulting injury is. A couple of years ago, I stepped off a kerb onto the road. I stepped badly and destroyed the ligaments on both sides of my ankle. I also heard a large "crack" sound as I went down and thought I had broken my ankle. So I took myself off for x-rays (turned out to not be broken), got some prescriptions for the pain and for the swelling, and commenced physiotherapy.

Would you say I was not deserving of medical treatment for my ankle because all I did was step off a kerb, or would you say I was deserving of medical treatment because, however it happened, I had really done a number on my ankle? I see no difference with mental health. That relationship has really done a number on your self worth, your sense of self and your psyche generally. No matter how much someone wants to belittle what he actually did, the effect on you is undeniable.

Look at it this way. Whilst, as I've said, I believe (based on all the posts I've read from you) that what he did to you was classic emotional abuse, , let's say it wasn't. Let's say you ARE just "crazy" - isn't that MORE reason to seek help?

Your reactions are, indeed, very normal for someone who has been emotionally abused. Very, VERY normal. But that doesn't mean that you will therefore "just get over it". If you had a broken arm, a "normal" reaction would be to yell or cry in pain, then to favour the arm. Doesn't mean you don't need any medical help, because your reaction is "normal". You would still need the arm to be set and put in a cast or whatever.

Please look into low cost or free counselling - maybe there is something on campus? I know there is here, so maybe there is there. It's worth at least looking into.

You are having a normal reaction. Those people who tell you that were not there and maybe they never had that experience so they are ignorant of what you went through and can not even relate to it. People in here have dealt with it, we've all been through it, and we all know how sneaky and underhanded they can be to deliver the abuse. Abuse comes in many forms and a lot of people do not think of emotional abuse at all they think abuse is when someone hits you but they are ignorant of the fact that stonewalling, withdrawl, witholding information, discounting your feelings, countering everything you say is very covert abuse. In other words it can hurt more than physical abuse sometimes and there is a huge reason why you feel the way you do right now! Because you were abused!! It is true. Now that you know you can begin self care like Kazz says, seek therapy by somone who specializes in abuse like Ilene said, and begin your journey of healing so you can go on to have a hopefully happy ever after life without being abused. Therapy helped me, self care helped me and also like Kazz said self care and detach from these guys is key too. Cut him off and move on with your self, rebuild your self-esteem and self-confidence. It takes time to heal. Give yourself time too. For now its good to cry here and there and feel bad sometimes but the more you work through the feelings the less they will continue to hurt you. Know now this is the rough part in the beginning. Hang in there! Hugs!!

Char. I, too, agree with the others. It's not your fault. Only think positive thoughts and ignore the negative comments. You're better off away from this person. I'm hoping that things will work out okay for you. Take care.