you no that actually speaks to me. i get told off if i mention anything hes done and he goes on a full downer and then i get a little speech that coz he goes on a downer it means that he feels bad.
so when do i get to express how i feel?
im so fed up!

I don't know if my H is a sociopath. I just know he is able to charm everyone around him. He is able to turn people against me, and I'm not sure what he even says to them to accomplish this. He has come and gone from the marriage so many times, and I have allowed him to charm his way back in. Problem is he doesn't remain charming. This last time he did quite well and seemed o.k. for a few years, but then he started withdrawing, being unsupportive, not talking, and turned into this other person. The other person won't be reasoned with, can be extremely cruel, scheming and dishonest. I have no idea if this describes a sociopath, but it describes, very briefly, what I have been dealing with.

They feel entitled to do exactly what it is they have done. They think they are correct and they have to right to abuse you because it is all your fault. This is how they bring themselves power and control; at the expense of us and our mind/spirit/soul/body. They are only aware of the way *they* feel, they are only aware of the way *they* think. They believe that whatever it is you think or feel is, at best, wrong; and at worst - stupid.

Having said that not all sociopaths are abusers and not all abusers are sociopaths although there is a certain amount of overlap. Try looking up Narcissistic Disorder. (i may have spelled that wrong - sorry). It may clarify it a bit more.

What queen said. And Susan, I understand what you said ALL too well! (I think we married the same man. lol)

The reason why abusers are able to go on with their lives once they've abused someone is because they have mental illness such as antisocial personality disorder.

So how is it that abusers usually only abuse their family? How are they able to be in control at work? They wouldn't dare say and do what they do at home? Doesn't that mean that they are in control of their actions and CHOOSE to abuse their family? I am so angry....and trying to understand!

Yes honey, they choose to abuse those they know they can. Specificially to your situation with your sister, he abuses her and the girls because he knows they will put up with it. The power and control he feels from abusing them is what gives him the control in other areas. Please understand that this is not an anger management issue. Anger has nothing at all to do with it. It is all about power and control. He feels strong, he feels "large and in charge" when he does this, or to be more specific, when he gets away with it. Abusers choose their targets very carefully. And clearly your brother in law has chosen well because your sister is still with him and tolerating his behavior.

This has openned a floodgate of directions, and I'm afraid that this might be a long answer, so hang on.

Sociopathy and psychopathy are often interchanged. If you go out to Wikipedia, the discussion for psychopathy is at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy

There are a couple of important things to note here: A psychopath has a high level of aggressive narcissism (same as an abuser), and a socially deviant lifestyle (may or may not be a factor with an abuser). Judging from the conditions, yes, an abuser would most often also be considered a sociopath.

Abusers, however are not "mentally ill" in that they have a condition that "causes" them to behave the way that they do. They have a personality disorder (not the same thing as mentally ill) that predisposes them to abusive behavior. They actually CHOOSE to behave the way that they do.

The actual proof that they choose their behavior is how they turn it on and off. Not only with their victims, but with different people. This is why he can be such a charming and wonderful human being to people outside the family, however, and a total monster with those inside.

Abuse can happen in any relationship. It doesn't only happen in typical family or partnership relationships. It can happen amongst best friends or in employment. The neighborhood bully many of us knew in childhood was an abuser. Some of us had/have best friends that abused us. Some of us have had bosses that were abusive. I have known a boss that was horribly abusive to some of the workers but not others, and was a model husband at home. It was the Jekyl and Hyde many of us see in our spousal relationships in reverse.

While personality disorders predispose abusers to abusive behaviors, they are treatable, usually with cognitive behavior therapy. Unless there are other underlying mental health issues, like bi-polar, clinical depression, or schitzophrenia for example, medications really don't help.

The biggest problem with an abuser/psychopath/sociopath in getting treatment that they need to curb their antisocial behavior, is that there is no incentive for them to do so, unless they have resorted to physical abuse that has landed them in jail. For the emotional abuser, being the way that they are gets them what they want. Many are very successful in business because their aggressive, no-holes barred approach and their charm cater to that. It's sad, but no empathy for the human condition (along with no conscience) gets you much farther in the business world than having compassion.

While I don't know that every abuse would have a clinical diagnosis of sociopath (perhaps someone who is a clinical psychologist could answer that one) but it stands to reason that they all have a significant number of the traits associated with one.