For sure it would start with someone who is available and there for me, but not demanding to know where I am at all times, questioning, interrogating, etc.

* Someone present but not invasive!

They would have to be understanding of how delicate my own humanity is now.

I'm currently dating a victim of past abuse. Its really hard for both of us. She does take the initiative and lets me know when its ok to ask that she visits me, or make herself available for me to call or go see her. It remains to be seen if this relationship will succeed.

We keep working at it. :)

I'm always afraid of damaging her in some way, inadvertently or by accident. So far I have not seen any incorrect thinking on both of our parts but some days we both do our own things and we don't worry about what the other person is doing.

She could possibly be my ideal partner.

Mr. E.

Healthy relationships are not about what someone does for you (such as spoiling you with flowers and breakfast in bed) or does to you (those feelings of infatuation like attraction, the butterflies in the stomach, the excitement) they are about respect for each other and each other's boundaries, trust and honesty, communication, compassion, equality of give and take for both parties, supporting one another through both hard times and lifting each other up to each their potential, and good conflict resolution skills.

It all sounds so simple, and boring, but in reality it's neither. It takes effort, and the rewards are great. Both responses have touched on some of these qualities.

But when you are abused, those things I mentioned can be just words, what does respect look like? What does having both autonomy and being comprising look like? How does one resolve difficult conflicts well, how does one communicate well? It doesn't answer the nitty gritty details of what actually IS healthy in day to day functioning.

This is why it can be helpful to first answer these questions for yourself, regarding yourself. If you are practice meeting your own needs and get that figured out it becomes easier to know when someone is not meeting your needs or trampling on your boundaries. When you respect yourself it becomes clear when someone isn't respecting you, when you learn how to communicate well it's obvious when someone doesn't share those same skills.

Thank you for the replies, I suppose it was a question that came into my mind after reading the different experiences here, which although they are so different all seem to have certain things in common.

I just wondered if, when freed from the abusive situations we are all either going through now or have gone through before, what we would value in future partners

" I hope you can find someone who is brave enough to enter your storm, and respects you enough to love the size of your waves. I hope you find someone who will relish the calm you can have, and who is eager to set sail on the expanses of your mind. I hope you find someone that can't escape the love they have for you, because now they have you in their very blood, always reminding them that you are the only sea worth exploring. T. B. La Berge

2. Nothing is nicer than having someone who... appreciates you for the smallest things, accepts you in times of hardships. Comforts you when you are troubled. Loves you no matter what and is simply happy for having you in their life. Author Unknown

3. The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself. A.U.

4. A reporter asked a couple, "How did you manage to stay married for 65 years?" The woman replied, "We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away."

Hugs GB

I wish I could offer advice as I myself am going through some tough times on figuring out how to have a healthy relationship after abuse. I like what everyone here has said

I thought my relationship with my abuser was healthy. So did many of my therapists.

I can tell you what's missing for me:

Respect,
Empathy/ Compassion
Honesty (honest with your heart and mouth),
Equality (equal power),
Respect for boundaries,
Compromise (from both parties),
Both parties taking responsibility for their own things and feelings, Feelings being honored and allowed,
Trust (feeling you are trusted and like you can trust the other party), Freedom (to be who you are and make choices for yourself),
Loyalty,
Consistency,
Intimacy (on several levels),
Not compromise ( such as not having to compromise your core values identity or self-respect),
Dependability (being there when needed not just when you want to be),
Fairness, (taking turns, same set of rules for both people,)
Listening and hearing,
Caring (actually giving a crap not just pretending to so you can get something, all the time not just some of the time)
Sharing (thing and feelings)
Respecting differences (including opinion)

When someone loves you for who you are and not for what you do for them.

When you have problems and they can be solved/worked through.

When you do what's best for everyone and not just what one person wants.

It builds you up instead of tearing you down.

I'm sure I'll think of more....

Thank you guys, I think that after abuse it's easy to fall into the trap of being attracted to someone else just because they don't do what the abusive ex did and not because of hiw they are. I know that happened to me

I went through 3 serious relationships, all of which were abusive. And as Lastat said, each time I chose a man very different from the last. Or at least so it seemed.

Six years out now, and I have dabbled in relationships. What I do know for certain is that in the same way that you often can't quite put your finger on why a relationship is abusive but you just feel it, same goes the other way. Listen to yourself. Listen to how your body reacts, how you feel. If you have a niggling feeling that something is wrong, listen to that. If your whole sense of self genuinely relaxes and is comfortable, listen to that. If you are trying too hard, ask yourself why - and REALLY ask yourself why. It might not be old tapes.

The question isn't what a healthy relationship looks like (at least 2 of my abusive relationships looked great). The question is what it feels like. And it feels comfortable. It feels like putting on a soft robe after a warm bath - who cares what you or the robe looks like, it feels good. It feels like sleeping through the night and not having to second guess everything you do and think and say and feel. Some of that stuff will happen out of habit in the beginning, but if it persists, then you are not in a healthy relationship.

It feels like being ok to be you - the good and the bad. Boundaries are protection not attack and are viewed as such. Respect can't be described, but you can feel it and you know it when you do. And trust me on this, you will know it even if you have never experienced it before.

What a relationship looks like is immaterial. How you feel in one is paramount.

Livn is right. How it feels is most important.

I always felt like something was wrong with my relationship but could never put my finger on it.