Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I dont even know where to begin. Long story short, I was in a relationship for a few years. The first year all was good but something didn't "feel" right. I couldn't put my finger on it. In the second year, it all went down hill. I was with a jerk and didn't know it. Someone who didn't have contact with his kids, had broken ex wifes cats neck (true story) and broken the jaw of ex wife number ONE. I got sick and tired of being told to leave if I DARED expect him to work on relationship issues or take accountability. After two years, I did just that. I left. Of course he blamed me for cheating or having someone else, but that wasn't the case. I could never get through to his cold black heart and got sick of it. Plus, I KNEW I had to leave. He was escalating his behaviors. I signed back up for college.
I left. I felt empowered. My dad gave me money to buy a trailer. It was just me and my dog and my disabled son. He is severely disabled and been on the waiting list for placement even before any of this happened- placement in a group home. He has needs far and beyond me. He is 19. I love him to pieces. I went to college. I own a very very small hardly profitable company but started to feel good about myself. Only exception? I HAVE NO SUPPORT net work. I have no friends. Why? Because I gave that up to raise my son. I have NO close friends. I was trying to get through it alone. Antidepressants work.
Enter the man again. Flowers, vacation, cards. He signed up for counseling and abuse counseling and started going to church. He started treating me right and I FELL for it. THEN WHAM. We had our first fight. I never got ANY maltreatment from him unless it was during an argument and he of course did his usual: wanted to just throw everything away cause we had a fight and then blamed everything on me. Huh uh.
Then we had our second fight and it brings me here. I FINALLY got the call from the group home after 9 years that they have an opening for my son. So im in college, have health problems (alot) of my own including an implant and dealing with placing my son and the guilt and fear over that but also knowing I would get to live to my life and he would have a better life. Now, I worked for my bf. I always did. The first two years completely unpaid and I pulled his company around. Once I came here and he came back in my life, I said I would work for him but he had to pay me. All was going fine.
Then, the phone rings at 240 am. I asked if he wanted me to check his phone too. I did. I found out he was hiring an accountant ( I AM his accountant) thats how I make an income! I asked when were you going to tell me? His answer? I had no intention on telling you.
He goes through the applications finds someone and hires them. His reasoning was that I was going to lose my mind when I placed my son. Nice to know he was thinking about himself. He said no, I was thinking about you. HOW IS TAKING MY INCOME THINKING ABOUT ME? He said "then ask me for money, I didnt know you needed it?" WTF.
I told him to make this right. He did not. She was there twice and when I say there, THERE is IN HIS HOUSE as he doesnt have an outside office. He never asked me to be there when she was. I lost it and said this just isnt acceptable, either fix it or just stay out of my life.
He broke up with me. He said that he will give me my wants and needs but never anything emotional. He was mean, cruel and unkind when you said it and thought I was breaking up with him. No surprise he broke up with me, he DOES EVERYTIME we have a fight. How hard would it have been to COMMUNICATE, talk to me and NOT do that behind my back? Once he did do it behind my back, WHY keep just going on with it. He added more stress to my life.
Now, Im losing my son. I dont have a job. I dont have anyone to be here with me at ALL (no friends either) as I go through this very alone journey. I feel he did this on purpose.
Im not contacting him. Im sick of this.When this first happened and I found out LAST week he was all like "we just need a few weeks apart to realize what we mean to each other" Nope, we need a few weeks apart so he can do WHAT?
He pushed me too far. This doesnt make anything better. I am at an emotional loss. I just sit and stare.
I left. I felt empowered. My dad gave me money to buy a trailer. It was just me and my dog and my disabled son. He is severely disabled and been on the waiting list for placement even before any of this happened- placement in a group home. He has needs far and beyond me. He is 19. I love him to pieces. I went to college. I own a very very small hardly profitable company but started to feel good about myself. Only exception? I HAVE NO SUPPORT net work. I have no friends. Why? Because I gave that up to raise my son. I have NO close friends. I was trying to get through it alone. Antidepressants work.
Enter the man again. Flowers, vacation, cards. He signed up for counseling and abuse counseling and started going to church. He started treating me right and I FELL for it. THEN WHAM. We had our first fight. I never got ANY maltreatment from him unless it was during an argument and he of course did his usual: wanted to just throw everything away cause we had a fight and then blamed everything on me. Huh uh.
Then we had our second fight and it brings me here. I FINALLY got the call from the group home after 9 years that they have an opening for my son. So im in college, have health problems (alot) of my own including an implant and dealing with placing my son and the guilt and fear over that but also knowing I would get to live to my life and he would have a better life. Now, I worked for my bf. I always did. The first two years completely unpaid and I pulled his company around. Once I came here and he came back in my life, I said I would work for him but he had to pay me. All was going fine.
Then, the phone rings at 240 am. I asked if he wanted me to check his phone too. I did. I found out he was hiring an accountant ( I AM his accountant) thats how I make an income! I asked when were you going to tell me? His answer? I had no intention on telling you.
He goes through the applications finds someone and hires them. His reasoning was that I was going to lose my mind when I placed my son. Nice to know he was thinking about himself. He said no, I was thinking about you. HOW IS TAKING MY INCOME THINKING ABOUT ME? He said "then ask me for money, I didnt know you needed it?" WTF.
I told him to make this right. He did not. She was there twice and when I say there, THERE is IN HIS HOUSE as he doesnt have an outside office. He never asked me to be there when she was. I lost it and said this just isnt acceptable, either fix it or just stay out of my life.
He broke up with me. He said that he will give me my wants and needs but never anything emotional. He was mean, cruel and unkind when you said it and thought I was breaking up with him. No surprise he broke up with me, he DOES EVERYTIME we have a fight. How hard would it have been to COMMUNICATE, talk to me and NOT do that behind my back? Once he did do it behind my back, WHY keep just going on with it. He added more stress to my life.
Now, Im losing my son. I dont have a job. I dont have anyone to be here with me at ALL (no friends either) as I go through this very alone journey. I feel he did this on purpose.
Im not contacting him. Im sick of this.When this first happened and I found out LAST week he was all like "we just need a few weeks apart to realize what we mean to each other" Nope, we need a few weeks apart so he can do WHAT?
He pushed me too far. This doesnt make anything better. I am at an emotional loss. I just sit and stare.
This must be really difficult for you right now, but you pulled yourself together once after he did similar things to you years ago. You can do it again. i'm so sorry.
this a-hole gave you a gift by leaving. he gets tons out of jerking you around, let him go. don't ask yourself why he does this, he just does. you and people like you are just ways for him to get his power blast, there is no rational way of figuring it out. again, take a breath, put that away to process later.
you don't have a support system in place because you haven't built one. that doesn't mean you CANT, it means you haven't done it yet. and now seems like the perfect time. you are alone with your thoughts for the first time in a long time, of course it's overwhelming. you don't have your son to distract you from this guys madness, you don't have the madness to distract you from the emotional turmoil of your son. it's scary as hell, but in fact easier than what you have been dealing with up until now.
you are steadier than you think, you have a perfect clearing to create something and you took a step by coming here. this is what bouncing back feels like, there is no where to go but up.
you can do it, we are here for your first step. don't be afraid of the silence, revel in it, and you will hear the answers soon enough.
now is a good time to show him just how well you can live without him, and you will.
try not to go down the "why? why?" rabbit hole, it's unsatisfying, and you've had enough unsatisfying.
I understand the desire to tell him off. But the fact is there is no winning with these types, beyond refusing to play. Any engagement with them at all, what they hear is "I love you, I miss you, I need you in my life, no matter what you've done to me". Even if the words you use ARE "F off".
The only way to win is to refuse to play - refuse any and all contact. No response is the worst response you can give them.
If you really want to tell him what you think of him, write him a letter. Don't send it (as above, he'll see it as you needing him), but put into it all the things you would want to tell him about how appalling has been his treatment of you. Then burn it or something, to let it go. He'll never "get it", he'll never have that true "aha" moment where he realises what he's done to you. And any attempt to tell him will just be perceived by him as weakness on your part.
It's hard, really REALLY hard. But take care of yourself, remind yourself that you really are doing the best thing for you and for your son, fight off those feelings of guilt and shame, and don't let his voice anywhere near your head.
I'm happy that you're here. It's a super helpful place to be.
You need voices other than his in your head. You need people who care about you and understand what you've been through.
You don't need guilt.
but what everyone here said is correct, he will see flowers and hearts coming out of your mouth and have the ARROGANCE to think you just think he's peachy.
the worst thing you can do is take yourself from him. of course for this to work you first have to really know that you are the most lovable, wonderful, sexy, smart, fantastic person on earth, but only then can you really know he is punished. he will never admit it, but losing you is the most devastating thing that could happen to him, and believing that with all your heart will bring balance back to the universe.
also, try dreaming of him getting hit by a car over and over.