Hi Confused,
I'm sure he loved you as much as he was capable of. Of course it's not the kind of love (that vanishes) any of us want. I really am glad for you that, hopefully it will be over soon. I do feel sorry for any girlfriend that he manages to snag as she is not going to have a pleasant ride with this crazy man.
Is there an animal or something that you could tell him a friend or relative will come and check on??? plants that need to be watered? Can you buy a plant??? You don't actually have to send someone over, it's just if he thinks someone may be coming, at least he wouldn't be as comfortable??? Hopefully someone else has better suggestions than I could think of.
Have a good time when you go away.
Take care.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think it would be best for you if you can just accept it and let it go.

What harm will it do if he does have someone over while you're gone?
If he were gone for a week with the kids, would you like to have your boyfriend over for a visit?

Just focus on the free, peaceful life that is ahead of YOU.

When he moves out... change the locks and clean the place from top to bottom.

Christy's got a good point. There's a very good chance that this is a trap, setting up a weapon to be used against you. Even if it isn't yet, the instant he knows it can be used as one, it will be. When hoovering doesn't work, then the 'this is what your life could be like - is this really what you want?' threats will begin. As much as it hurts, it seems that safest would be to ignore it. He's moving on? Good. Hopefully it works out, and he'll leave you alone. You focus on you, ya?

Thanks everyone.

I honestly don't care (even though I do), in fact I wouldn't be surprised if this has been going on all along because he did such an amazing job at making me feel like I was ALWAYS replaceble (even if I told him how bad it hurt me that he made me feel that way), it is just that the constant mind games of "Oh, I love you, miss you, puke puke puke" he spills out of his mouth is just nonsense and not that it ever meant anything, I just think, "why bother?"

WIth all of this being said, it just makes me feel like I wasted 20 years of my life trying to get him to "love me" and all along he just kept me around until something better came along.... It just stings that I devoted myself knowing all along I wasn't and would never be good enough but he just strung me along like a puppet.

As for him having his girlfriend over, I care because it is MY house. He already sleeps in my bed/room while I sleep on the couch (until he closes on his house) because he has a bad back. It is the principle of it to me. Of course I would want my boyfriend over but if I were in his house I would have enough respect not to. He has taken so much of my life away from me I just want to have control over some part of it. Maybe it is petty or selfish but I have sacraficed so much.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Aw, sorry to hear that!

Well, I can imagine that you would be bothered! You loved him and worked really hard to make things work!

My wife has been talking about divorce, and was talking about how she would take care of the kids and said "I can get a new husband." I've never felt like she cared about me personally, only as 'her husband.' It's very possessive, like a spouse is an appliance. I wonder if your husband is doing the same thing. Like, "Oh, she's leaving, better get a new one."

I agree with gem111 that he may have loved you as he sees love. I think my wife does the same, and my counselor has said this of abusers. It's in "Why Does He Do That?" too. Abusers feel what they know of as love, which isn't what most people know of as love.

My wife snoops in my private things and takes everything out of context. I recommend not to do it, if only on principle.

Oh yeah! I can pass along good advice from my counselor here. "You don't need to have feelings about your feelings" and "Your feelings are always valid." So, if it bothers you, it bothers you, and that's valid.

Please take care and vent as much as you like!! =D

Ok, I hear what you're saying!

It's triggering you, not so much as you being bothered but it's a trigger! If the guy constant threatened you with suggestions that you are replaceable while you were trying your hardest to work at the relationship and now he's trying but has replaced you then ultimately you know that his efforts in trying are not the same as yours! He is literally taking the piss out of you and I'm not surprised your feeling it. It's yet ANOTHER betrayal.

The difference is that when you tried you were sincere. Now he seems like he means it and its not sincere! It's another reminder of what little respect he has for you and what little emotion he feels for you! You're witnessing lip services! Saying what he thinks you want so he doesn't loose what he wants to own and not love!

And that's going to offend anyone and annoy them. So you're being triggered by the deepest fear he put in you whilst you were together ( I will replace you!) and also witnessing he's complete disregard for your human rights (respect!)

Just because you have a bf doesn't mean your abuser can't trigger you! You're still healing!

And as for having his gf around your house, well it is the principle of it. It may have been a little different if he would just be honest or at the very least not try to win you back whilst he's planning on bringing another woman in the house! It's almost like he's emotionally cheating on you! And he is because he's saying "I love you" but will be bringing another woman into your bed at the same time!

Again not that you want him you'd just like to be treated with some degree of respect!

You won't get it from him thou! I can tell you now! He could be the nicest person to you ever and I promise that underneath it will be empty!

It's like my ex, he rings me up and says he's getting my own place he loves me etc..... I find out he's moved like he said he was doing but has moved with his wife! But apparently he LOVES AND MISSES ME!!

They are chancers, con men, shallow! No one will ever be special. Everyone they have a relationship with will be used!

Just use this (like I did with my ex) as an opportunity to see into the window of truth! As painful as it is, you can't stop him paying lip service to you or anyone (the new woman has just witnessed it but doesn't see it) but you can stop yourself from listening to it and having any wonder if he means it this time!

He doesn't and never will. But that's good because you are going to be free from his grasp! The future is free!!

Getting HIS own place **

Thanks ooooo & Kazb! =)

You both make sense and ooooo yes, it seems like our spouses are so alike, if only abusers can be with abusers and leave us all alone.

Kazb, THANK YOU! You are right and I do feel disrepected and not that I expected anything more but it still hurts to think that he thinks I am so stupid and naive. I have the most amazing man I have ever met and never thought it was possible to be cared about and respected as a person for WHO I AM rather then what I can be if only I just...... (fill in the blank). I am glad as it is more proof that he will NEVER change.

I still can't get his words out of my head "Forget you? You are an unforgettable woman and I haven't even met you yet"................ At the same moment he is holding me telling me how he misses my touch...............

I don't recall EVER hearing those words out of his mouth to me.......

Hi Confused,

You haven't heard those words before because ultimately all of the tactics he used on you were ineffective. Somehow, despite his best efforts you managed to escape, and that is unforgiveable in his eyes. He has learned he has to up the anty, to sweeten the pot... Hence, all of the words he says to her while he says he misses you.

In reality, I do think he misses you, otherwise he wouldn't be trying so hard to replace you so quickly. He does not feel stable within himself and needs the love and adoration of another to prop up his fragile ego.

Personally, I think online dating sites are full of users and con men. Yes, there are true gentleman on them, but they are few and far between. I will never forget what my ex said to me (somewhat recently-but that is another story) when I asked for the truth about his dating OW when he professed that he loved me and only me...

. It was bone-chilling...

He said he likes online dating sites because you can be anything you want to be, say anything you want to say and they (the women he dated) will be none the wiser. He said, and I quote, "it was so easy. All women want to hear the same thing, so you play the game. I got them into bed and then disappeared. All I really wanted was to get laid, the sex wasn't even good, average at best. Besides anything beyond that is too much work. There was this one woman who I really thought I wpuld I would like. She looked good on paper. She owned her own house, a good job, a daughter my daughter's age. She would have fit into my life so well. But there was nothing there."

Upon questioning, my ex revealed that she was more financially secure then he is... She fit the picture of who he should be with, and because of her assets, she could have bailed him out of his debt. I don't fit this picture because I am significantly younger than him, and although financially independant, I work in a field dominated by men. Rich, powerful men. It was too much for his ego to date me, he knew he was up against the big leagues for my attention. However, what he never realized was that I loved him for him and that nothing and no one could have replaced him.... Until I realized it was all an illusion.

The point is that everything is ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. He loved, you left. His ego needs stroking, turn on the new supply. However, this doesn't mean what you felt for him wasn't real. It just means that now that you see through to who he is, he needs to go elsewhere to prop up his false sense of self....

That is all it is and all it ever will be!

Also, I do believe he is inviting her over to your home to 'stick it to you'.It is your house, the home you will retain after the divorce is final. Besides, she is a grown woman with a home of her own. However, you are the one who is winning because you escaped!!!

While I try my best to not judge others, I have a feeling this woman haslittle respect for herself. As I don't know to many people that would find it acceptable to visit the marital home while the wife is still technically living there. I would consider it uncouth and in bad taste, especially when he can visit me. I have no doubt that her poor self-esteem is why he chose her. Yep, another target in the making!!!

Just be glad you got out!

I've never understood how people could fall "in love" over the internet.
It's just words. So easy to say what someone "Needs" to hear
There is no work involved. It's too easy.
Real life is difficult... cooking, cleaning, rearing a child, responsibility.

My ex would do that.. Lure them in with all of the right things to say, turn on the charm (as he does so well), dance the victim act as needed, take them out a couple of times, f*ck them and then leave them... Never to be heard from again!

I have no doubt he is out there right now doing the same thing over and over again...

He was so scared of getting caught he never even posted pictures of himself. He would change his profile name, general description and profile and then email his new targets with his actual pictures. In this way, he avoided backlash from the girls he discarded and detection from co-workers, family, friends and myself.

It is so funny, one of the times we broke up I had this haunting feeling he was on this dating site. I combed and combed it. I finally found a profile that sounded like it could be written by him. The details were just tweaked. He made himself younger than he was (45 in comparison to 47), upgraded his education (Master's instead of Bachelor's) and changed his interests to sound more sophisticated. He claimed he loved wine, for example.The man only knows his IPA's! I later found a book hidden in his bathroom about wine for dummies!!! He had been researching what to say to sound knowledgeable to the women he dated!!!

I even told him I had a feeling he was on dating sites and would look for him there. He just about jumped out of his skin! And the profile I found? Yep, that was him.

The lengths he would go to just to get 'laid', made me realize that sex was only a part of what he was seeking... It was really power and control!

He would even wait these women out, pretending to want a real relationship until they had sex with him... And then he would blow them off!

I used to be flattered by the thought that he chose me over them. He can be so charming and gregarious, that I always had the feeling I was easily replaceable. In reality, I was just better supply.

I do know that he loved me, that was my reward for being a great mirror, for propping up his fragile ego over and over again. He couldn't love me for who I was, he didn't know how.

I just wanted to add to the voices saying it's not in any way surprising that you feel hurt and betrayed by this - and that even if it were surprising, you'd still have a right to your emotions.

It matters partly because it's a trigger as Kaz said. It also hurts because it's a new betrayal. If he had accepted your decision that you wanted out of the marriage, had accepted at the least that the two of you were not suited even if he couldn't accept he'd been abusive, then although it would still hurt (I think whenever you have been with someone, especially when it's been for a long time, finding out about their next relationship is always going to sting a little because it proves you are replaceable and nobody wants to feel replaceable), but it would hurt a lot less than this. As you said, he's trying to wear you down, constantly trying to make you feel guilty for "breaking his heart", for walking away from his "love", he misses you, he wants you, he needs you - while behind your back he's chasing other women. Which makes all those words, all those guilt trips ... they are just lies told purely and only to make you feel bad. And that's just plain cruel. It's not surprising, but it's still plain cruel. Just another smash below the belt when you thought those were done with.

Honour that you have every right to be upset and hurt by his cruelty. You are not being in any way hypocritical by feeling pain from this even though you were the one ended the marriage and you have a boyfriend. It's not the fact of his having other women so much as the continued lies and betrayal.

As far as when you go away ... well if you can hint to him that someone will be stopping by from time to time for whatever reason, then that would help. But ultimately, as much as I understand why it would bother you (it would bother me too), there's probably not much you can do about it other than hope he has enough common sense to see women elsewhere, not in the marital home. As to that, the fact that you so obviously still live there (all your stuff around) may well mean he doesn't want to bring women there, because I very much doubt he's told them he's still living with his wife. And if he has, if he's told them it's temporary till he gets his own house, then I think he'd probably still pretend to show enough respect to you AND her/them to not use the marital home. Remember, he's honeymooning them right now. He's playing the good guy. He probably doesn't have nearly enough respect for you or anyone else to not do that - but I think he'll at least be faking it for now.

I know that feeling all too well when you see them thinking you're stupid and naive with how hey still treat you! But you're not in reality!!! Not really!

It's him that's fooling himself! Think about it! He has no clue that you've changed and grown as a person, why? Because those that can't change themselves can't see that others change! This is what you're being shown! It's yet another window of truth into how much you've grown and how similar he still is, trapped in his own cycles!

He doesn't have a clue how bright and clever you are because he's not able to see past his own superiority! He quite literally lives in an imaginary land where he's the king and everyone else is beneath him. But we know better!!!!! We see past the veil and the BS!

Tell yourself this " if he wants to stupidly and so blindly not see how much I'm no longer the same person then he's welcome to do so! I'm well on my way of rising above the ass hole anyway!"

Thank you Freedom, Livn & Kazb! You all hit points I have been running through my mind.

I absolutely HATE that I even care, that it is bothers me!!!! It makes me sick. =(