Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi Everyone, it has been a couple weeks since my last post. Hope everyone is doing well. A lot of things have happened for the better for me but there is still the guilt being given and I just want to be sure that I am not over thinking or second guessing myself.
He has seemed to now being a little more accepting of the divorce. The weird thing is he is so sociopathic that he can switch from strong emotional breakdown to complete business sense in a matter of seconds. One minute he can be crying about how he wants me to stay and be his wife and he can't live without me to the next minute showing me a 3 spreadsheet excel workbook of splitting assets, belongings, checklist items of things we need to do to divorce, such as cancel credit cards that are in both of our names, change bank accounts, etc. Came up all on his own with an effective date for the divorce "July 1, 2013".
He keeps asking me for sex, told me that if he would've known that the last time we did it would be our last then he would have enjoyed it more...... Really?!?!
I started looking at houses and realized that I am going to have a near to impossible task of finding a house I can afford which really depressed me...... Then I thought, why the hell won't I just stay in my house I live in now??? We built it, it has everything we want, I wouldn't have to move and most importantly it would be less of a shock to my kids when shlt hits the fan and they will still have something normal but staying in their own rooms, house, etc.
I broke the news to him this weekend that I decided I want to keep the house and that I understood that would mean that I would have to buy him out. He wasn't overly thrilled and said "Oh won't that be so peachy for you, your life is working out so perfectly now......." He didn't argue with me and in fact on my way to work yesterday morning he told me that I should call the mortgage company to see about refinancing to get him off the loan which I did.
He keeps switching back and forth from total emotional breakdown to complete civil acceptance of the divorce with several digs at me in between, such as "I can't believe I'm losing you and your family (he never care nor talked to my family but now they are his life), I'm abandoning him, I have support system, he has no one, he wants me to continue having sex with him after divorce (even telling me he would pay me, WTF?!?!?!?!), etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah blah.
He is trying to hard to find a weak spot in me. I am trying so hard not to let him find it but I am finding myself often when I am alone feeling very guilty.
He has now gone as far as reading me an article about no matter what we can overcome this and be married. I don't know why when I tell him I don't love him, I am not in love with him, I don't want to be married to him. Instead of being offended and telling me to "FK" off you don't deserve me then, he tells me that I am just not realizing this is a phaze/cycle that all couples go through and he is so hurt that I can't just accept that and know that we will move past this. UGH!!!!!!!!
He has seemed to now being a little more accepting of the divorce. The weird thing is he is so sociopathic that he can switch from strong emotional breakdown to complete business sense in a matter of seconds. One minute he can be crying about how he wants me to stay and be his wife and he can't live without me to the next minute showing me a 3 spreadsheet excel workbook of splitting assets, belongings, checklist items of things we need to do to divorce, such as cancel credit cards that are in both of our names, change bank accounts, etc. Came up all on his own with an effective date for the divorce "July 1, 2013".
He keeps asking me for sex, told me that if he would've known that the last time we did it would be our last then he would have enjoyed it more...... Really?!?!
I started looking at houses and realized that I am going to have a near to impossible task of finding a house I can afford which really depressed me...... Then I thought, why the hell won't I just stay in my house I live in now??? We built it, it has everything we want, I wouldn't have to move and most importantly it would be less of a shock to my kids when shlt hits the fan and they will still have something normal but staying in their own rooms, house, etc.
I broke the news to him this weekend that I decided I want to keep the house and that I understood that would mean that I would have to buy him out. He wasn't overly thrilled and said "Oh won't that be so peachy for you, your life is working out so perfectly now......." He didn't argue with me and in fact on my way to work yesterday morning he told me that I should call the mortgage company to see about refinancing to get him off the loan which I did.
He keeps switching back and forth from total emotional breakdown to complete civil acceptance of the divorce with several digs at me in between, such as "I can't believe I'm losing you and your family (he never care nor talked to my family but now they are his life), I'm abandoning him, I have support system, he has no one, he wants me to continue having sex with him after divorce (even telling me he would pay me, WTF?!?!?!?!), etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah blah.
He is trying to hard to find a weak spot in me. I am trying so hard not to let him find it but I am finding myself often when I am alone feeling very guilty.
He has now gone as far as reading me an article about no matter what we can overcome this and be married. I don't know why when I tell him I don't love him, I am not in love with him, I don't want to be married to him. Instead of being offended and telling me to "FK" off you don't deserve me then, he tells me that I am just not realizing this is a phaze/cycle that all couples go through and he is so hurt that I can't just accept that and know that we will move past this. UGH!!!!!!!!
Sounds like he is coming around to accepting your decision. I think it's pretty natural for all people ( not just those with abusive tendencies) to come to terms with something like this in "waves" You know.. He WILL be all right and go on with his life and on some level he knows this... then the reality of the situation washes over and a sense of grief for the loss just overtakes a person. I wouldn't worry too much about it. It doesn't sound ( from what I've read in your posts) that this guy is a horrible monster. Granted he doesn't want the divorce, he wants you to forgive and move past it.
It's YOUR life and if you feel you have been too traumatized by all he has said and done to you in the past and if you don't enjoy his company and you don't want to share your life with him.... You are the one who gets to decide this. Not Us, Not Him .. Not anyone but you!
Good Luck. It's not going to be easy, but other women have done it and you will be ok.
Peace to you.
Respectfully, I don't think he's
necessarily "coming around to
accepting" your decision. From
what you've described, he's
pulled out the standard set of
tactics that abusers attempt
to keep their victim from
escaping. (Note that he's
expecting to maintain
sexual control over you,
after a legal divorce.)
Regarding:
"""""I am finding myself often when I am alone feeling very guilty."""""
This is a perfect opportunity
for using my Clarifying Index
Card Exercise. It will help you
keep yourself focused on the
constancy and consistency of
his abuse. (I am familiar with
feeling guilty. It was one of the
reasons why I developed the
exercise.)
Please stay focused on
your SELF-CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and healing thoughts.
He is not a horrible monster but he is extremely manipulative and controlling which he takes absolutely NO ownership of. For the 20 years we have been together he did nothing but complain about my family and how he doesn't like them and doesn't want to be around them and tried to seclude me from them, but now all of a sudden he acts like they are his bio family. Its a little insulting to me and my family to be honest.
When I told him I wanted out of the marriage at the end of January he would call my family all the time to cry to and never called his mom or dad nor did he call the 2 only friends he has. I put a stop to him calling them because it was really just too much to have everyone involved and he just told me the other day "He is really surprised my family hasn't called him to see how he is doing". I said "What, why would they do that I told them I didn want them to be so involved in this?!" and he said "Yeah, but i just thought they would have at least to check on me". WTF?!?! Really, you did nothing but talk bad about my family for the last 20 years and now all of a sudden you want their compassion and sympathy?
It's really crazy to me. As confident as I feel in my choice I still have a human side that feels bad for him. Him on the other hand, even though he is not a vicious monster still only seems to care about what he wants and not what anyone else thinks.
Thanks for letting me vent. =)
I must say, I tend to agree with Ilene that he's not "coming around", he's trying to come at the problem from every possible angle, trying to find the chink in your armour that will make you give up this silly notion of having a life of your own without his control and manipulation.
Paying you for sex after the divorce? That right there says he's not "coming around" to anything at all, but still expects to treat you as an object whether you are married or not, though he's realising he may need to hire you instead of owning you.
All of the whys come down to one thing - he is attacking this ridiculous notion of you escaping and making your own decisions from every possible angle at once. That's why it makes no sense. How can he be emotionally distraught AND rational AND accepting AND in denial AND hurt AND cold AND so many other things all at once? Because he's none of those things - he's just trying to work out which one will work.
Awsomely articulated,
as always.
So glad to hear from you!! Prayers and peace and support from this corner!!
Do NOT fall for this. Listen to what living is saying and then think about what I am pointing out. One big example to credit livings explanation, he is changing his game plan on your family! Think about it!!! He never really hated your family, he just wanted you all to himself and to make life harder and uncomfortable for you, if he truly hated your family how could he ever bring himself to ring them and want them to ring him? He doesn't even love your family like he's pretending to do so now, he doesn't give a DAM about your family.
Kepp telling yourself this, HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAM ABOUT YPUR FAMILY" so what's he playing at? Good question!!! He's playing the game!
What miraculous changes have your family made towards your husband that would all of a sudden attract him towards them in a way that has NEVER happened in the whole of 20 years?
I bet they have done nothing right? So why would anyone all
Of a sudden change and want to be close to a family they have hated for years and years and years and years and......
Tactic tactic tactic!!! Might not make much sense as to why a tactic, my guess is to get to you through them in hopes that they will feel sorry for him and talk some sense into you so then you don't go throu with this silly idea of a divorce!
He's literally using your family or at least trying to!
And he is a horrible monster, when your out and you have time to think and feel freely without having to go throu his daily distractions you'll see that he was a monster!!
I have been racking my brain starting to second guess my decision despite my plan to move forward, I started to think maybe I am wrong even though he has now moved to begging me to have sex with him, touch him, give him a bj, to even just letting me lay there no emotion so he can get his need satisfied, last request, just give him a hand j0b........ Even with all of this and knowing he just thinks of himself I started to second guess myself.
Your words of encouragement and experience are really helping me through this and keeping me strong. Thank you again ladies!!!
Happy Friday!!!! = )
Ugh. He really is ONLY interested in himself.
One more vote for Livn.
Please listen to her. She is so very wise and has been through so much. She KNOWS!!!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))