Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, I'm thinking about weight loss surgery....the short version is that I had the psych eval to be sure I was mentally ready and had the spousal support (yeah, ha..ha). Well, turns out I let a few too many words out and he wants me to take 3mths to be sure I'm stable enough to handle the surgery. I didn't tell my husband this, but the doctor's primary concern is spousal support. I'm a bit relieved as I've been getting a little nervous about the idea of the surgery and I look forward to having a little more time to contemplate.
Now.... the problem is my husband. Although from the start he said it was "my decision at any point", do you think that is the reality? I was glad the psych doctor gave me a good excuse to back him off. I've also been dealing with a major bout of depression although my husband sees nothing different as I am a really good actress and just leave my sense of misery, hopeless, self-hate and despair.
Anyway, so we have a 3.5yr old son and my husband starts his guilt trip tonight with how I am unable to play and keep up with my son due to my size. How his formative yrs (0-5yrs) are soon going to be over and my inability to do all the things that people half my size can do with their kids will scar him and lead him to drug use due to lack of parental participation (by me because I am "fat"). Of course this will all be because I am fat and I somehow did not convince the psych doctor that I am stable enough to go through one year of hell to have the surgery and lose my 100lbs (currently 250lb). I know that any trouble or problems that may arise with our son will somehow be my fault in his eyes.
Now, up to this point he has managed to hide his anger problem and obvious disgust of me by going into a different room and cursing me out or something similar. He will continue to think I am the bad parent, in spite of the fact that for the first time in our son's life my husband lost it in front of him and began cursing at me and began hitting doors and slamming cabinets shut and the rest I don't know because I ran over and scooped up our son and took him up to his room to "read him a book". Meanwhile, I could hear stuff slamming downstairs.
My son brought me a book and was ready to have me read it and you know I really tried but as I began to read the first line I just got so choked up and tried my best to hold back the tears. All the while my son was insistant "read the words mommy, read the words".
I ask you, who is the f***ed up parent in this scenario?
Sorry, I'm venting a bit here.....
Now.... the problem is my husband. Although from the start he said it was "my decision at any point", do you think that is the reality? I was glad the psych doctor gave me a good excuse to back him off. I've also been dealing with a major bout of depression although my husband sees nothing different as I am a really good actress and just leave my sense of misery, hopeless, self-hate and despair.
Anyway, so we have a 3.5yr old son and my husband starts his guilt trip tonight with how I am unable to play and keep up with my son due to my size. How his formative yrs (0-5yrs) are soon going to be over and my inability to do all the things that people half my size can do with their kids will scar him and lead him to drug use due to lack of parental participation (by me because I am "fat"). Of course this will all be because I am fat and I somehow did not convince the psych doctor that I am stable enough to go through one year of hell to have the surgery and lose my 100lbs (currently 250lb). I know that any trouble or problems that may arise with our son will somehow be my fault in his eyes.
Now, up to this point he has managed to hide his anger problem and obvious disgust of me by going into a different room and cursing me out or something similar. He will continue to think I am the bad parent, in spite of the fact that for the first time in our son's life my husband lost it in front of him and began cursing at me and began hitting doors and slamming cabinets shut and the rest I don't know because I ran over and scooped up our son and took him up to his room to "read him a book". Meanwhile, I could hear stuff slamming downstairs.
My son brought me a book and was ready to have me read it and you know I really tried but as I began to read the first line I just got so choked up and tried my best to hold back the tears. All the while my son was insistant "read the words mommy, read the words".
I ask you, who is the f***ed up parent in this scenario?
Sorry, I'm venting a bit here.....
HUGS!!!
You wrote about your husband
that he:
. . . . .began cursing at me and began hitting doors and slamming cabinets shut. . . . .
This is not only sick, but
is considered a form of
violent behavior (it's called
"symbolic violence"), which
is an indicator of the potential
for actual physical violence
possibly perpetrated upon
you or your son.
Have you ever been in touch
with the local women's center
in your area? If not, here's
the number for the coalition
in your state: (800) 524-4765.
(It also happens that I'm
actually in the state you
listed in your profile, for
another week. If you're
interested in talking with
me, send me a private
message and I'll send
you my cell number.)
YOU are not the problem
here. The problem is a
violent and potentially
DANGEROUS abuser.
The longer you hang with
him, the longer you will be
blamed for everything and
the longer you will battle
all the kinds of emotional
demons typical of spending
time around an abuser. In
addition, the longer your
son grows up under the
roof of abuse, the more
of the abuse he will
absorb into his
developing psyche
and the longer he
will experience those
injuries over the course
of his lifetime.
By the way:
GOOD FOR YOU for
looking to ways to
achieve a balanced
and healthy life. Yes,
bariatric surgery is
radical, and certainly
has side effects. And
the pre-surgery screening
which has you on hold,
right now, is done to
ensure that if and when
you decide to have this
serious procedure, you'll
be ready internally and
externally. And yes, it
will be awhile after the
operation that you could
lift up a growing child.
But if you're looking to
get to a fitter, more
functional weight, and
the time comes when
the doctors feel you're
good to go, in regards
to the surgery, then it's
YOUR decision. . .
and NOBODY ELSE'S!
Please call the number
I listed above, and talk
to the people there who
are experts in dealing
with abusive situations,
Also, know that you are
NOT the issue here.
Sure, you, like every
human being, has
"stuff" to deal with.
There is no utterly
perfect person and
you probably have
yours, just like the
rest of us.
But most of us don't
go around blaming
everyone for what's
not going our way.
And we don't go
around flying into
scary, violent rages.
Please care for and
protect YOU and YOUR SON.
Call that number. (And if
you'd like, private message
me and or go to
emotionalheal.org and
get my phone number
from the contact page
and call me. I'll be in
your state for another
week, before I leave
for home.)
Life for you and your
boy can be sssooooo
much better. Healing
really does happen.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
I am sorry this guy, with his abusive behavior is a role model for your son. He will grow up thinking this is the way he should act.
I wish you the best.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Having said all the above, the root of most of the above in my situation anyway is depression and feeling demoralized and helpless. While this is a decision only you can make for yourself, I would ask you if by having this surgery if this will "fix" your situation. I am not trying to rain on your parade or make you feel badly. I just mean that I KNOW why I am the way I am. Until I fix the root cause of the situation, any diet, exercise, etc. I do will be a bandaid on what is really wrong in my life.
Lastly, I work in healthcare. I am very dubious about bariatric surgery. There is definitely a population where this is a last resort, such as morbidly obese folks who are having such serious health problems where they are going to die if they don't do something to lose weight quickly. If you are not in that category, I encourage you to reconsider. I would estimate that (conservatively) 80% of all bari patients I work with have gained all their pre-surgery weight back within 5 years. I find that providers are often more interested in making money on expensive surgeries than working with patients in helping them with the hard work of making more permanent, lasting changes. This may include encouraging therapy, taking a hard look at life situations, exercise and lifestyle changes.
I hope everything goes well for you, whatever you decide to do.
I have ALWAYS LOVED roller coasters and know that my son does too. My dream is that by the time he turns 5-6yrs old I can take him to all those wonderfully wild, crazy and adventuresome coasters that we both love so much. I want to be able to fit in the coasters with him. That is my motivation to consider surgery as an option.
As I said before, I am glad the psychologist put me on a 3mth hold. I have been having some second thoughts and at this time this seems to be a good excuse as any to back my husband off of this. Also, I'm coming to realize that my mental health, is much more important than my physical health (to some degree). I need to feel right inside before I can feel right with myself outside. I think that I'm doing this the right way in working with these therapists open & honestly before jumping into a mentally stressful process of surgery ill-prepared. I know a number ladies who have had the surgery that told me outright that they just "said what they needed to say to get the green light". I just can't be that deceptive, it's either that or I just really want someone to help me figure out how to deal with my life before it pushes me beyond my breaking point.