Please get a 2nd and 3rd opinion. Not all attorneys have the same opinion. Many offer free consultations where you can ask questions. Also contact your local shelter and ask for recommendations for attorneys who will file on grounds of abuse.

Ask your counselor if she knows any attorneys who understand the dynamics and affects of abuse. One thing that could affect your divorce is if your state is a no fault divorce state. You can check that for yourself by googling "grounds for divorce in (your state)."

If you can't get a divorce on the grounds of abuse, you still need to document everything because it could make a difference in custody and visitation, especially if he's been violent. That's why documentation is so important. Also have the kids assessed by a qualified child therapist. Children are affected by abuse - EVER "just" witnessing abuse. There are tons of studies out that that prove that it affects them in many ways.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but please do NOT give up!!!

~healing hugs~

PS, that atty is an idiot!!!!

No violence. That's the problem. It's all just psychological and emotional. Spiritual. Financial.
The counselor feels it will escalate. But. As we all know. All I can do is sit and wait for it to escalate. But. What if that's too late.
I've got numbers for other attorneys. I will call tomorrow. Problem is I live at least an hour from any city. My husband is an MD in a small town. With no real money to fight over. Local lawyers are limited and biased.
It's a no fault 50/50 state. I could get some spousal support.

I'm so tired of being what everyone else wants and expects me to be. I just want to be me.

You might want to suggest that the lawyer read Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship so s/he will have a better understanding of why "sticking it out" isn't such a hot idea.

I know the feeling of being tired of being what everyone else wants & expects. You have every right, and you DESERVE, to be you and only you! Try to keep stay focused on being you and being true to yourself. Trust your inner knowing.
~healing hugs~

I second the idea of asking at an abuse center. They will put you in touch with an atty who will support your case. Such a shame. Was the lead atty male, by chance? You might do better with a female.

Yes he was.

I'm just tired of people down playing the psychological abuse. Even my female friends say well he isn't going to hurt them. I finally broke down and got mean. And said. "Yes. Psychological abuse is hurting them". She started to interject. And I said "studies are showing it to be even more damaging".

My God people I'm just trying to save my children. He is using them to hurt me. And he wants them to witness it.

He's bitching and moaning at me now cause he hasn't seen them in two days. TWO DAYS. And he talked on the phone with them one of those days. And called after 9 the second day so I ignored him. Now he's sending his voice memos to my friends to get them to not support me. Classic narc.
He's going to try for a "suit effecting parent child relationship". He even has the kids' cell phone numbers. If he is that concerned with the kids he could call and talk to them himself. HE JUST WANTS TO HURT ME.

I researched the suit... It says if your concerned about safety call this number... But its listed as for violence.

Part of me... The brainwashed manipulated part ... Thinks oh it won't be that bad if he has them. (But they don't even want to go. He thinks I'm forcing them to not go with them).
But deep down I know it will be bad...he'll use them to punish me.

I have totally been in your shoes. Find a better lawyer!! My first one was awful too. Keep fighting for those kids because the psychological abuse is very damaging.

His back and forth is truly driving me crazy! From mean to loving. I've never seen him do this so quickly as I have lately. I can't give an inch. I can't be pleasant to him in any form. I let the kids eat with him at Pizza Hut yesterday. I had a normal conversation with him last night. I wasn't loving I wasn't overly nice. It was just a general conversation where I wasn't hateful and suddenly this morning I get email that God has told him we are getting back together and will be a family again. WTH?!
This is why I have to be mean to him in every exchange. His delusions. OMG! They're scary.

Just because god has spoke to him recently
doesn't mean you have to change your
manner. I would not recommend
being mean to him. This doesn't
serve your cause. Civil, neutral,
not loving, not hostile. . . . is the
best line to walk, overall.

Yes, his delusions are scary.
That's why you're fighting
for yourself and to keep
your children safe. I think
you'll find, ultimately, that
walking the middle path
will yield the most benefits.

I talked to a new lawyer last week. It went really well. I definitely did not feel dismissed by her. She gave ideas or the knowledge of how we are going to deal with him. I wasn't able to get the money to retain her yet. But hopefully by Tuesday.

He sends me voice memos. Tonight's was by far the worst. I have gone to not really listening. Just skimming thru them for extra crazy... Definite threats etc. I keep them all. Tonight's was titled "blow my brains out." I decided I needed to listen incase there was a suicide threat in there. There wasn't. It was aimed at me... That I would blow his brains out. I'm so tired of his delusions.
Instead of filing for divorce (God won't let him do that) he filed a suit affecting parent child relationship. (Insert eyeroll. Waste of money and court time cause I told him I was filing). He doesn't want to go to court. He wants to work it out in mediation. I told him he would never agree to what I want. (He's thinking money cause in his mind that's all I care about). He wanted to know what I wanted that he wouldn't agree to. NO OVER NIGHT VISITATION WITH THE KIDS.
So his voice memo was a threat of how he would spend all the money and time in court. Even if I won he would never stop fighting. Bluh Bluh Bluh. BS BS BS. Even if I hold a gun to his head and threaten him he will never stop being a dad to his kids. He's not a dad to them. All he is to them is some whack job Disciplinarian.
I would have to hold a gun to his head and blow his brains out.
And some other bs. About whatever I want to be happy.
It makes me so mad. The stupid voice memos! I truly hate him.

I know your angry, as you should be. The lawyer obviously has no clue how damaging Emotional abuse is. You can get out. Don't let anyone belittle what you're going through.
I decided that going with Irreconcible Differences as the easier route. I'm not sure what state you live in, but in TN it doesn't much matter with regards to support. I hope you find a better lawyer. Keep your chin up.

Oh, I have the same delusional drama going on.... "so we are getting back together? No? Well yes we are because you're moving back now & I'm done with your games. You're coming home. You are a mom, you can't be selfish and just do what you want."
That's just the tip of the huge iceberg that is my life. Going to a lawyer today. Good luck and good for you for standing your ground and and knowing what is blah blah blah bs. I'm getting there finally.

It's sad you are having to deal with that. It reminds me of my experience. People blow off emotional abuse and say that you are both fighting. It's truly awful. And court itself is surprisingly like a sport. I wound up mediating because I was scared what kind of deal I might get with a judge. It did work out pretty good for me though, so things can go well and I hope they go well for you!

Thanks for all your thoughts! I did find a better lawyer out of town. I got a protective order. Only after he truly lost his mind and brought other people into it. Then everyone could see what's been going on. Pretty much the entire town. He lost his career.
We'll see what happens from here. I have a pre hearing on Friday.
Alone1nbrave2: stay strong, don't let the delusions win. Getting yourself and your family away from that isn't being selfish.

Hi Just! (I used to be Daydreamer73) I just read through this whole thread and had to comment about how far you've come since a year ago when I was leaving my H. Back then you expressed feeling hopeless and resigned to staying w/him. Not that I'm glad he escalated (by the sounds of it) but I am so happy for you that you've taken steps to get out. I remember that he was extremely financially abusive/controlling, among other types of abuse but not many women in your situation have the courage to leave. Bravo for you and your kids. I hope your court hearing goes well! Keep us posted please. Hugs