Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Last night, I drove an hour to see a friend's show. I didn't tell anyone - I'm not living at home, I don't need to double check with anyone, right?
My wife texted me a few times during the show - I didn't tell her I was going, and it was just 'How is your day going' type of stuff. The kids had a doctor's appointment today, and she wanted to see if I had any questions or concerns I wanted to bring up.
I didn't want to text her while I was driving, so I called on my way home - she realized I was driving, and I told her I had seen a show. We talked for a while, about the kids and stuff, and then she started crying. My shields shifted into full red alert status.
I asked what was up, and she apologized, said she had just hit her emotional wall. I asked if there was any reason why, and she said 'I'm afraid to tell you, because I don't want to say anything wrong.' I reaffirmed my promise to her that if I did hear anything wrong, I would tell her the instant I figured it out.
She said ok. Then said that she was feeling very left out, and hurt by the fact that I didn't tell her my plans for the evening. She said that she tries really hard to make sure I know what she's doing, and what the kids are doing, and the fact that I chose not to share hurt her. She shared that she would really appreciate it if I could make stronger attempts to include her, keep her informed.
I told her that I wasn't thrilled about her feeling so hurt by me not telling her what I was doing, and that particularly the intensity of the reaction was triggering some defensiveness in me, but I wasn't angry about it. I also told her that I really appreciated her sharing how she felt, and making requests instead of attacking me for making her feel like that. I still think that 'I feel left out,' much like her other favorite 'I'm feeling ignored' is still putting too much of the responsibility on me, but little steps. They're both better than 'you're ignoring me.' But I encouraged her that I saw that she was trying to be considerate, that she was making progress, and that I appreciated her attempt to be vulnerable instead of defensive.
Granted, when I asked how hearing that made her feel, she responded that it further upset her, because she didn't feel like she ws making good enough progress, and that I wasn't recognizing the progress she made.
Safe, but fair. I see that she's trying. I want to encourage that. There were still some habitual traps, and the balance of her expectations is still really out of kilter with reality and healthy relationship, but she's trying. Still not willing to let my shields down too far, but she's trying enough that I don't have to walk away yet.
My wife texted me a few times during the show - I didn't tell her I was going, and it was just 'How is your day going' type of stuff. The kids had a doctor's appointment today, and she wanted to see if I had any questions or concerns I wanted to bring up.
I didn't want to text her while I was driving, so I called on my way home - she realized I was driving, and I told her I had seen a show. We talked for a while, about the kids and stuff, and then she started crying. My shields shifted into full red alert status.
I asked what was up, and she apologized, said she had just hit her emotional wall. I asked if there was any reason why, and she said 'I'm afraid to tell you, because I don't want to say anything wrong.' I reaffirmed my promise to her that if I did hear anything wrong, I would tell her the instant I figured it out.
She said ok. Then said that she was feeling very left out, and hurt by the fact that I didn't tell her my plans for the evening. She said that she tries really hard to make sure I know what she's doing, and what the kids are doing, and the fact that I chose not to share hurt her. She shared that she would really appreciate it if I could make stronger attempts to include her, keep her informed.
I told her that I wasn't thrilled about her feeling so hurt by me not telling her what I was doing, and that particularly the intensity of the reaction was triggering some defensiveness in me, but I wasn't angry about it. I also told her that I really appreciated her sharing how she felt, and making requests instead of attacking me for making her feel like that. I still think that 'I feel left out,' much like her other favorite 'I'm feeling ignored' is still putting too much of the responsibility on me, but little steps. They're both better than 'you're ignoring me.' But I encouraged her that I saw that she was trying to be considerate, that she was making progress, and that I appreciated her attempt to be vulnerable instead of defensive.
Granted, when I asked how hearing that made her feel, she responded that it further upset her, because she didn't feel like she ws making good enough progress, and that I wasn't recognizing the progress she made.
Safe, but fair. I see that she's trying. I want to encourage that. There were still some habitual traps, and the balance of her expectations is still really out of kilter with reality and healthy relationship, but she's trying. Still not willing to let my shields down too far, but she's trying enough that I don't have to walk away yet.
When you _________________, I feel_____________________.
What this does is allow the person who is feeling whatever they are feeling to claim that feeling AND be responsible/accountable for their feelings rather than put the responsibility for the feeling onto the other person.
No one can MAKE another person feel anything/any way.
Something else to be aware of when it comes to abusers and change. They will 'change' or work at 'changing' for short periods of time.
The caveat with any human being working on making changes is:
Trying to change because another person (whether spouse, parent, child, therapist, priest, etc) wants one to change never ever works.
This is really important....
Change ONLY happens when the person working on changing WANTS to change FOR him/herself. Otherwise, change will NOT last. That goes for non-abusers as well. It's just human nature.
I do think if anyone is capable of changing, it's her. She's not very narcisstic, actually is very giving to others, and has a strong faith and interest in growth.
The last time I self-harmed, she noticed. She tended my wounds, and wept that I was in such pain. In a moment when I was very vulnerable, she didn't try to sink a single hook into me, not a trace of guilt or judgement.
I'm trying to keep as accurate and as detailed a list of the positive, encouraging things she does as I do the hurtful, abusive things she does. Like you say, time will tell.
For years, it's been my role to go to work, and I get lectured if I'm more than 25 minutes getting home. Full financial restrictions plus the riot act if I stopped at a store on the way home (not to mention being scolded for not loving her because I just never buy her little things anymore like I used to) means i've learned to stay in my place. Heck, I've found myself asking permission to go upstairs or to the bathroom out of fear of upsetting her.
We've been separated for three months now, and although I appreciate her honesty in sharing, it's one of those things that she's just going to have to come to terms with. Not only does she not get to control my every move, she doesn't need to KNOW my every move.
It was a good play, although some of the production values were questionable, the script was choppy, especially in the first act, and the sound levels were waaay out of balance. Still the performances of the leads were really touching and honest, and the singing was phenominal.