Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Bad night.
My rehearsal had to be moved to the basement of the building so they could have auditions for our next show.
Two people were upstairs. The one friend I have left, and my old friend, who forbade me to ever talk to her again because my suffering makes her miserable.
I've been informed that my old friend (J) will be coming to see my show this weekend. Not for me, but for her other friends in the show. She expressed to my other friend (T) that she 'refuses to be pushed away' from her friends and the theatre company we both love.
That was an interesting little fight as I pushed back against any part of her making the choice to demand that I never speak to her (or talk about her, or think of her, according to her boyfriend, on threat of legal action, lawsuits, and physical violence. Verbal violence is assured.) to have any shades of my 'pushing her away' from anything. Kind of defensive about the whole projected victimhood thing these days, you know?
I asked T to not try and protect either of us from each other. I can be responsible for avoiding her as she has requested - although I'm not going to change my behavior or habits just to accomodate her. After all, she still has friends and family she can talk to - I've just got the comapany and T.
The last time she saw my show, she relented and broke her no contact request. It's stupid of me, but I know she loves my singing, and I want her to do it again, even as I know she won't.
I asked T not to protect either of us, because I was hoping that a pass in the hall would be simpler than having to wait until the hyper-emotionally charged and vulnerable performace time to brace myself. I asked her not to protect J, because I feel that if she's miserable from the choice that she made, she should feel the full force of that misery, not be coddled and cosseted.
T admitted that she tried to protect me last night. For my own good.
That's why J told me I should never speak to her again. That's why my wife told J that she should never speak to me again. For my own good.
I told T that if she ever directly chose to disregard a request of mine 'for my own good' again, I would have to end our relationship.
She took it as a threat and got angry at me. Her husband got angry. She stopped talking to me.
I gave in.
Not to her, to the temptation to hurt myself.
I recognize its not good, and far from ideal. But it satisfies the desire to destroy myself that resisting only seems to escalate to suicidal thoughts. And in so doing, it is an action allowed and embraced by the depressive spiral.
No one believes me when I try to express how much it all hurts. I'm accused of being sensitive, overreacting, being overdramatic, and fishing for sympathy. They don't - and won't - understand.
One good thing. My wife knew it was going to be a rough night, and offered me support. I explained what was going on, explained what I was feeling, but did not rely on her for support. I didn't let her get me.
God, I cried when I woke up alive this morning.
My rehearsal had to be moved to the basement of the building so they could have auditions for our next show.
Two people were upstairs. The one friend I have left, and my old friend, who forbade me to ever talk to her again because my suffering makes her miserable.
I've been informed that my old friend (J) will be coming to see my show this weekend. Not for me, but for her other friends in the show. She expressed to my other friend (T) that she 'refuses to be pushed away' from her friends and the theatre company we both love.
That was an interesting little fight as I pushed back against any part of her making the choice to demand that I never speak to her (or talk about her, or think of her, according to her boyfriend, on threat of legal action, lawsuits, and physical violence. Verbal violence is assured.) to have any shades of my 'pushing her away' from anything. Kind of defensive about the whole projected victimhood thing these days, you know?
I asked T to not try and protect either of us from each other. I can be responsible for avoiding her as she has requested - although I'm not going to change my behavior or habits just to accomodate her. After all, she still has friends and family she can talk to - I've just got the comapany and T.
The last time she saw my show, she relented and broke her no contact request. It's stupid of me, but I know she loves my singing, and I want her to do it again, even as I know she won't.
I asked T not to protect either of us, because I was hoping that a pass in the hall would be simpler than having to wait until the hyper-emotionally charged and vulnerable performace time to brace myself. I asked her not to protect J, because I feel that if she's miserable from the choice that she made, she should feel the full force of that misery, not be coddled and cosseted.
T admitted that she tried to protect me last night. For my own good.
That's why J told me I should never speak to her again. That's why my wife told J that she should never speak to me again. For my own good.
I told T that if she ever directly chose to disregard a request of mine 'for my own good' again, I would have to end our relationship.
She took it as a threat and got angry at me. Her husband got angry. She stopped talking to me.
I gave in.
Not to her, to the temptation to hurt myself.
I recognize its not good, and far from ideal. But it satisfies the desire to destroy myself that resisting only seems to escalate to suicidal thoughts. And in so doing, it is an action allowed and embraced by the depressive spiral.
No one believes me when I try to express how much it all hurts. I'm accused of being sensitive, overreacting, being overdramatic, and fishing for sympathy. They don't - and won't - understand.
One good thing. My wife knew it was going to be a rough night, and offered me support. I explained what was going on, explained what I was feeling, but did not rely on her for support. I didn't let her get me.
God, I cried when I woke up alive this morning.
It made me sad to read that you cried when you woke up alive this morning....i so get that, but its saddening nonetheless.
So to me it sounds like you are wrapped up in a lot of drama with the people who surround you and you might base your happiness on their thoughts of you.
Have you tried anti depressants? I had to and i take the smallest does and even cut that in to half. But that isnt what takes away the sadness and the pain....getting out of the situations that hurt me is what worked...
so you say you are married... does she make you happy? What makes you happy? Im concerned that you are around too much negativity and people who you have too many issues with. Can you get out of that circle and move on?
I pray you do something to fix what is looking to me as unneccesary. There is always a way out...
I'm on antidepressants - they're really just starting to kick in.
I don't really feel like I base my happiness on what others think of me, although I do recognize that I am extremely uncomfortable with being hated right now. Not because that makes me a person who deserves to be hated, I just grieve at the idea that a relationship that was once so good is now so bad, and I don't see there's anything I can do to repair it. I'm very focused on making sure that I am in good relationship as best as I can. 'Best as I can' can be frustrating when I am so limited in what I am allowed to do.
But as far as no contact with her goes, I don't understand why she asked for it, and apparently, she is getting angrier and angrier at me the longer it goes on - I suspect her boyfriend is likely still filling her with lies. I just recognize that I have two choices - comply with her request, and let her decide whether to hate me or not, or ignore her request and make sure that she hates me.
Only course of action with a positive outcome is the first, so it's my path. Plus, it provides a fair amount of protection for me as well while she does hate me - it would provide more if they would grant me the same consideration and avoid me in return.
My wife... no. not happiness. She is the one that planted the seed in my friend's head that the only solution to my misery is her never talking to me again. Boyfriend is the one that planted the seed that my misery was my going insane with jealousy and obsession. They worked very well together. I played right into it. I'm trying to be smarter now.
Even now, they're working well together, without any need to communicate at all. I'll say something on facebook or my blog, he'll accuse me of trying to manipulate my friend, and threaten me. I'll get upset from the threats and the revisiting of old wounds, and then my wife is right there with the accusations of my being obsessed with her, because I just won't let it go. She gets to play on my guilt because I dare have emotion about someone other than her, he gets to be the protector defending the fair damsel from the monsterous fiend, I get to stay up with the nice folks at the suicide hotline.
I recognize that the most secure way of proving that I'm not what I'm accused of being is to curse them both, denounce them both soundly, and hate them. But I can't do that. I would, if they were willing, still prefer to be at peace with them. I can't let myself give into that darkness - I feel that THAT would be a violation of who I am, and do far more long-term damage to me than any threatening phone call or fight.
Do what I need to to be safe, and hold my head high. "Whatever is within you, be at peace with all men." I will walk my chosen road, even if it means they will hate me for it. I will hate me - more than I already do - if I do not.
what i did with my abusers is pretend to play right into it and say yea youre right, i am obessesed , I am this I am that, everything you say I am. They dont know what to say to that ...then their guilt sets in as you walk away and claim yourself back. Only thing is, youhave to let go at that point and let them think they win...but really you left them with them feeling bad while you walk away and stop caring, start a new life, and live with a smile.. :)
The book is titled I Don't Want To Talk About It, by Terence Real.
and healing wishes.
Have you considered that self harm is an addictive mechanism that allows you to remain in covert depression, instead of moving through overt depression?
And yes, I do. Which is why I do everything I can to stave off the urges to cut myself. However, when the suicidal depression comes upon me, I work my way through my entire list of coping mechanisms. At the bottom of that list is self-harm. A lot of times, simply making my way through the rest of the list - contacting friends, family, therapist, art, going for a walk, watching a tv show, eating something, taking a shower, exersizing calling the suicide hotline, and more -buys me enough time to regain my balance. Sometimes, it does not.