Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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SISTER WOES

belovedfaith
belovedfaith
My sister and I had not seen each other for over 20 years; following the deaths of our parents and younger sister .. one after the other .. same year .. until last year. Our family was very troubled and never recovered. Ironically, our parents were in the ministry .. but very confused; tragically twisting matters of faith childishly. Mental illness resulted.

My sister and I both have adult children of our own. Our attitudes are pole to pole different. Example;
her daughter is now transgendered. For years .. she controlled her daughter without seeming to realize it. Her son is handicapped and she has diligently sought to help him. We were never close; but did try to develop a relationship by phone and email. Typically, every conversation is her attempting to recruit me to join a cause. What also makes being close to her difficult .. is her continual preaching/coaxing/belittling/badgering me to adopt to her views. She tried for years to convince me to try the gay lifestyle. I'm divorced .. have had painful relationships with men .. and that was her solution. No matter how I stood up for myself ... asking her to stop this . and let me who I am .. she persisted like a broken record .. sending me tons of emails supporting her views .. which were not mine.

Finally .. I responded similarly. Stood up for myself and responded with emails supporting my point of view. Her response is to accuse me of .. all kinds of things. It's like it was when we were growing up. I was always the "bad" little sister (by one year) .. for having an opinion.

The inequality gets to me. Even when she compliments me.. there's a razor somewhere.

I raised my daughters on my own .. without family .. they are integrated and healthy women. They've been through raw life with lots of disappointments .. but they press on. They have character .. and compassion.

Issue .. I confronted my sister for cutting off communication .. except with my daughters .. that if she seeks to influence them with her views .. more like bombard them .. as she did me .. it is a major betrayal of our relationship. She will not respond.

She acts very nice .. but it's a form of manipulation to gain control later on. She does have insight on some issues. I understand why she's extreme. I survived (barely) the same legacy.

I'm facing the reality of why a relationship with her doesn't work. The lack of equality. And trust.
Autumnal
Autumnal
I have a difficult relationship with my sister also. Not quite the same thing you're talking about here. But between the 2of us there's always been a power struggle. She is pretty conservative, I am the complete opposite of that. She is 5 yrs older than me, really we are complete opposites. She is pretty wealthy, I am not. I'm a visual artist, & tend not to place a whole lot of value on economic ideals. Growing up I was always compared to her, like I had to meet her standards. My parents never have gotten it through there skulls that were different people. I also think she is quite jealous of me, now & as a child as well. I always felt like I was punished as a child for making her jealous. My parents are fairly emotionally abusive people & I have suffered terribly for it. My sister is impossibly bossy & I do not stand for it. I guess you could say I am the black sheep of the family, I don't care that I am but both my parents & my sisters attitudes towards me have always been very painful.
radrm
radrm
Well i have had to do a similar thing and not really by my choice but my sisters choice to "disown" me. So we have not talked since after my father died in 1999 and I mean at all! My other sister (both of mine where older) is not quite all right upstairs either and she has major mental issues but we also are Ok as sisters but rarely talk because she is so hopped up on prescription pills all the time she cant talk on the phone. So I just pray for them and wish them well and I go without family because that is just the way it is. I guess sometimes blood isn't much thicker than water. But I have found that emotionally I am way better off without them so that is something that many years of seperation has brought me to realize that they are really not necessary in my life sometimes it hurts I grieve it a little but most times I just wish them well from a distance. Only God knows sometimes. Just some families are not like the others. I hope you deal with your situation in a healthy way and take care of yourself in the process because these things can tear you up at times. Really if you let them!
Tamehau
Tamehau
If you can get the book or check it out at the library - get In Sheeps Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K. Simon.

This book will explain what you are going through!

I responded to another poster with this same information but wow you both should read this book.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"I'm facing the reality of why a relationship with her doesn't work. The lack of equality. And trust."
That nails it exactly and sounds very familiar to my relationship with my cousin.
That insistence on only her views being valid or mattering, is imo a form of bullying and is very oppressive. Not allowing for a difference of opinion, is imo arrogant and again a form of bullying.
Since your kids are adults there really isn't much you can to to stop your sister from communicating with them and "badgering' them with her views, but you can let them know they do have a choice. They don't have to interact with her or to agree with her and reassure them that if they chose not to that doesn't make them bad nieces, that you won't think less of them for stopping communication with her if they chose to do that. They are entitled to their own opinions as are you.
"Ironically, our parents were in the ministry .. but very confused; tragically twisting matters of faith childishly. Mental illness resulted"
I'm really not sure that i would call twisting a person's faith or religion as "childish". If that twisting included, demeaning or mocking others or you for not having the same beliefs or for not allowing their beliefs to manipulate you through guilt, I would consider their twisting as abuse. And I think that abuse can cause or at the very least majorly contribute to mental illness. It's not someone's beliefs that makes them abusers, it's their behavior that is the qualifier.