it is no fun walking on eggshells. I am sorry that you have to put up with this. I do understand that you think he is trying but seems unable to master his issues.......JoJo it is good to vent and this is a good place to do it. I wonder what he would do if you just were not phased anymore by his 'punishment' which is what it is and went about your business as if he was nothing more then a piece of furniture. I know that I used to be better able to deal with this stuff early on and just got worn down by so much stuff and we had progressed past a lot of this but when mine got involve with a full blown narcisst...........uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! but anyway I am slowly regaining my ground but I am not where I want to be and he still is in denial about some of his stuff.........but I am not going to be
dependent forever I am getting closer to my degree and closer to my sense of personal entitlement.....but still have a lot more to overcome. Good days and bad days but today is a better day.
I hope that your day becomes better as you empower yourself.
Blessings
Dee

JoJo, I feel for you. This silent treatment hurts as much as the verbal onslaught, doesn't it? I would go for weeks or a month and then my ex would do the same thing - act as if everything was great!

I felt so alone, lonely and depressed when he was in the house with me. Very clearly, I was hurting because I had the EXPECTATION of Communication. When he was out of the house, the loneliness subsided, so try to get yourself out to be social with other people.

And Deedee is right. A piece of furniture is as much communication as he's giving you. So, try not to talk to the furniture. RB

I am in the same position, I can't believe that every time I log on, my husband is the topic of the discussion. Mine is a full blown narcissist, too and the silent treatment is the worst. i was raised by a narcissist too, so I am used to trying to be perfect, trying to be everything to him and nothing to me, to the point it has affected my health severely. I can only say that you are not alone. The books and online reading i have done in the last 6 months have opened my eyes to his manipulations and now when we( my kids and I) don't react, don't give him the audience, he will go to the silent treatment, but knowledge is power. After reading these books and becoming more educated, I now have a different style of dealing with him. It still hurts, but not as much. I used to be the one who would follow him if he didn't come downstairs from pouting, always take the blame for whatever it was that I was supposed to have done, just to make nice. He knows I hate confrontation, and knows I hate the pouting more. I used to wonder, when we would have an arguement and all the terrible things he would say to me and then go off to pout that I would find him sleeping. I would be a wreck and he could sleep through it??? I understand better now, do not engage, just say you disagree and walk away is what I have read, tried, and am living until I can be free with my kids. I know now that there is no cure for him , he cannot change and I cannot live with him any longer. Be good to yourself, try not to let the silent treatment hurt you. Put on some headphones and relax, if he isn't going to talk to you , you don't have to be available to him , now to try to do what I say, myself. Easier said than done, but that is my plan. Best of luck to you and sorry you are in this relationship but you are not alone at all. daybyday12

I get the silent treatment a lot myself. i have been advised just to give it back but its hard when they talk to the children but ignore their mother. i usually try and make myself busy but still feel uncomfortable.

it hurts me more as my mother would ignore me when I was a child and make me stay in my bedroom for days on end before she would talk to me, she would just bring in meals like a prisoner. I didn't even have a tv to watch. I feel like that now to a certain extent and don't go in the same room as him until he has left it. I try to pretend he doesn't exist and walk round him like hes not there but its not easy as I am not that sort of person

I'm so sorry you are having to live like this. You don't deserve it and you shouldn't have to endure it. You're right every action has a reaction, but abusers think they are the only ones entitled to either. We are just supposed to accept them the way they are and continue to start over every time they want us to.

I was in the same situation. I got the "cold shoulder" for days at a time. Once the ice thawed, he acted like nothing happened and expected me to act the same way. My ex never said let's start over. Hell, he never actually apologized. It took me a while to catch on to his faux apologies. "I'm sorry for my part in this." He never, ever said what his part was and he continued to play the same parts over and over year after year.

He was so good at manipulating me that I was always the one to apologize and say lets start over. Many years ago, I did an intervention for his alcoholism and he went to rehab. (Apparently he was really pissed at me for that but never admitted it to me. In stead, he undermined me to anyone who would listen and is still doing that to this day.) After he got home I said let's make this our new anniversary date (because I stupidly thought this would be a new beginning for us). He looked at me and said "Why would you want to do that? I have wonderful memories of our life together." I said "Well I don't. You are remembering thru your alcoholism." That didn't go over too well. Once again I was made to feel crazy.

Walking on eggshells was a way of life for me. Even tho I'm no longer with him, I still walk "gingerly." It's a hard habit to break, but I'm working on it. ;-)

If you haven't read Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, please consider doing so. Not only does it describe all the types of abuse, but it also gives suggestions for how to deal with & respond to each type.

Hugs!!!!

My mother and family gave me the silent treatment as a young teen for months after an episode when I had to defend myself against physical abuse from her. I think that punishment was one of the worst I ever received. It is extremely hard to walk on eggshells, DeeDee, you are SO right about that! I have been doing it most of my life, and am really good at it by now, but not something I or anyone else likes to do.
I think that when you quit putting up with the abuse directed at you, be it by not responding in the expected and routine patterns or by calmly putting it back on him ie "I know you are hurting right now, but don't take it out on me cause this is not my fault" type of response, that might help some....

being the perfectionist, is an impossible feat, and a terrible pressure to put on yourself..I wonder what would happen if you stopped being perfect? would he flip out? , I wondered because with these naricissistic, silent abusive types, its a bit of a no win situation.

My stepfather, and mother are obsessive and perfectionist, and he would persecute me and my brother with his manipulative, covert tricks, moving things, hiding things, etc and doing it in such a way I'd question my sanity "I'm sure I put such and such there..where is it", basically me and all my things he hated the sight of so he would get his stealth anger out by doing this. He also had jekyl and hyde moods, nice as pie/ mr chatty converts to no-one home, no eye contact ignoring. My mother acted oblivious, never defended me when I questioned it.

Two ways I find have helped me deal with this, is to call him up on it and ask him outright to his face "why are you doing this"? which gets a surprising response, the silent bully becomes a flustered angry child and clearly is shocked into stopping (he assumes I am usually to scared to mention anything with no evidence)..and it has subsided over the years... the other, well, I figure I'm not winning any approval by being 'perfect', in fact nothing will please these people, so now I do what I want in my own unique way and think if they have ocd, obsessive perfectionist issues..thats their problem. It makes me anxious yes, but it presents a stronger sense of self to build on. HTH :)

I did the "try to be perfect" thing for pretty much my whole long sorry marriage. It doesn't work.

Every time you think you have met his expectations, hey even exceeded them, he will raise the bar, or completely change them, just to keep you working for his approval, wrapped up in what HE wants, feeding HIS ego.

And....no one is perfect..you can never achieve perfection. And, I thin my ex was pretty typical of abusers in the way he loved to point out my imperfections to me.

Start trying to be a person that YOU like. Start making yourself proud and happy. Build your own spirit first. He's had enough of your life. Make the rest of it yours.

Hugs...YOu are in my prayers...

Thanks so much for listening to me vent. I love this place. It feels so safe.
I used to urge him to talk it out and "what's wrong honey" and all that jazz. Not anymore. I just go on with life like nothing even happened. It still effects me BUT I act like it doesn't. Just like a piece of furniture. That cracks me up because I work for a very large furniture manufacture. The bar comment hit home because that is it in an nutshell. You meet the bar and don't ya know it it is raised again. The pull the rug out from under you hits too because that is it exactly. As far as myself I love to work out and play sports. I play volleyball weekly on a team in the winter and softball weekly during the summer. I am 42 so that is probably not going to last much longer but I am hanging in there. I am very active in the Church and could easily be busy every single night with friends. I still have a son at home so we do a lot together too. When dad is in a mood we just keep on truckin'. You want to pout...pout all by yourself then. That is my way of handling it. He misses out on so much with me and the kids over the years. I could never treat anyone the way he does me. I thought a spouse was to be your best friend. I wish it was that way.
Again thanks for the responses....I had no idea that this was such a common tactic of theirs.

Hi Jojo, When I read your post my heart sank, I know first hand what it is like to live with someone like you are living with. Are you with my ex? Just kidding. I know the pain involved with not knowing how to handle it and the pain with not knowing what you have done to deserve this type of treatment. I spent 20 years of my life with a man like that the days went by where I would dream that someone would just get me out of that place.

I was so lonely..happy as hell when he got home from work only to watch him walk in the door, drop his head and not say a word to me, it felt like he hated me or something. Now you ask why did you stay, well its called the robot, you are beaten down so far that you just don't care anymore, yes I cared about the way I looked and did the same trying to be the best I could, never good enough. He would go for days without saying a word to me, just dirty looks if I said anything.

I finally exploded and moved out which was very tough as for all the years of being a robot I found it very tough to trust other men, I finally withdrew and spent most of my time with myself not able to be with other people etc..........then started to drink.

At one point I decided that I don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself and headed in for councelling, after over a year of group and one on one therapy I am alot better but still can feel the effects of those 20 years.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me........yes it can happen! No abuse! He understands the effects of my years of mental abuse and is very patient with it, I love him with all my heart and feel I deserve him : ).

Ok now the point of all this is to say to you that there is a better life out there and not to be afraid to go find it. Please if you are not happy with him now chances are you are going to end up like I did, and believe me if I knew then what I know now I would of left long ago. Abuse is not WORTH the trouble.

Ok I'll stop writing now, whew. Please at least think about it to get the ball rolling Jojo, picture yourself being happy.......

All the best
Angie

It sounds like our situation is very similar! I know EXACTLY how you feel. He just wanted me to be perfect and when I would accomplish one thing ...he found something else to be angry about or resentful about. I could never do enough, even though, like you, I feel like I have changed into a completely different person for him! (Robot! is the right word here!) Nothing I ever did was ever good enough! I would suffer from the silent treatment also... and lots of passive-aggressive behavior. Then he would just act like nothing was wrong! Completely denying his treatment of me! I just want you to know that I really know how that feels and it is the WORST feeling! GRRRRR.

Hi, Jojo,

I was exactly where you are now, still married to abuser but after finally realizing what was going on, I started changing it.
Make no mistake, you will never change him, ( he'll never feel empathy, he'll always be what he is) but his behaviour will change, they are trainable.
( like dogs:-P

And here's how. But you have to be strong and you have to do this.

You have to start detaching immediately. It's not easy or pleasant but it works. Start getting very vague in your responses, if he attacks you as he does, ( my husband for instance attacked me that I made our cat sick, so insane) but do not defend yourself, just say something like "anything's possible".
If you persist with this detached behaviour, it will send shocks through his system. His victim is not there anymore! Trust me on this one.

Detach and become a Teflon and he WILL NOTICE. You will almost immediately stop being a target. You will be able to smell his fear cause he won't know what is going on. ( and these creatures are the worst cowards, that's why they bully in the first place).

I know, I've been through hell that I don't want to describe here now.
Men are always afraid when a woman changes her behaviour. As long as she nags or acts exactly the same as always, they know they are safe.
Give him short responses, very very vague, look like you're in your own world. Do NOT look like you have an agenda.
He WILL notice.
Pick your battles. If you must confront him, state calmly that you disagree and walk away from that situation if you can.
This will give you a chance to focus on yourself, to calm down and not give him what he wants, and that is crazed, frustrated reaction where he thrives. Don't give him his fix anymore, refuse to fight!

This is NOT a permanent solution but he will stop attacking you because there will be nothing left to attack.
This worked miracles for me, please read about control freaks and how to deal with them and stick to it. This will show him that there is power in you and that you are not crushed as he hoped you'd be. Plus you will become mysterious and illusive.
I will post some advice how to deal with them if you want me to but remember one thing, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER argue with control freaks.
You will not win, ever, he will be energized ( after not talking to you for days) and you will be depleted as always. I read all this online, not that I figured all this out by myself:-P Unfortunately, because they are so different from the rest of us, normal doesn't work, you have to do exactly the opposite.
Those fights are not about anything that matters,anyway.

Hockeymom is right ( just like everybody else here), he will keep raising the bar.
The point is to reduce stress as much as possible while in that situation and to be able to think clearly and focuse on yourself. I know how much it hurts, everybody here can relate. ( and I can relate to everybody).

Hope this helps and I wish you all the best and sending you all hugs, keep strong, you are not alone:)

oh, jojo42. Yes yes yes, I know how you feel as well.
When you wrote that he falls apart the moment his cart gets tipped in the slightest, this was my husband. And I was the target of his raging, even if I wasn't the cause. My stbx could not handle any stress in the slightest. he punched a gas pump once when it wasn't working properly, yelled at the elderly clerk in the store, then jumped in the car and drove like a maniac yelling that nothing in the world worked and he couldn't take it anymore, blah blah blah. I was put in danger in the car more times than I can count because of his raging. I was terrified to ride with him.
I left 2 weeks ago, but still feel like a robot because I can't feel anything 90% of the time. I know that quest to be perfect in your shared home. Now I have my own home, and I am trying to just be me, whoever that is.
You can't live like this, it's not normal, and you will do yourself a great emotional harm if you continue. I pray that you have the strength to make a better life for yourself. :)

Hi Deedee,

the silent treatment is a tool of manipulation..for whatever reason..probably because things aren't going his way or you haven't agreed to something he wants..he sulks..

My Ex husband used to do the same thing for days at a time.I didn't realize this was a form of abuse then..I thought abuse meant hitting..I didn't know there were many different kinds..

It didn't matter what I did or didn't do either,I could beg,plead for him to tell me what was wrong and ..silence....I can tell you it made me feel suicidal at times..

Understand this..it is NOT about you being perfect,NOTHING you do is ever going to be good enough for this man..he obviously is abusive and has issues,but they are his issues,not yours.

If you're going to stay with him..I would leave him to it when he sulks..My son does the same thing to me now..if he's in a mood he won't talk and I'll say something like:

"Fine.tell me when you're ready"

Then I go off and do something else..

It's time to start thinking of yourself here and be good to YOU for a change...

although I've got to be honest and say that now I'm out of that situation I honestly don't know how anyone can live like that...

Hugs
Sharonxoxox